Why is it so easy for them?

[Rainz]

I'm on a month of NC after my boyfriend suddenly turned on me 1 day and became all distant....it's still so hurtful and my heart just aches everyday. Although it was a new relationship and we'd been together 2 months we'd known each other as acquaintances several years prior and has mutual contacts.

This is my 3rd serious breakup in my whole life and so far the worst one, and the longest it seems, in terms of the stages of healing that I'm at.

What I don't understand, can't seem to get my head around is the fact that my boyfriend would call me, text me morning, afternoon, evening and night, literally. We spoke several times a day everyday, mainly initiated by him, same with texting, he was so full on. We had mapped out our future plans for a family and marriage. I've been taken out on more dates in the last 2 months by him than guys that I've dated 2 years! He met my family, got on with them........talked of how into me he was all the time, how happy he was to have met me. If anything it was me that applied the caution and tried to get him to take things a bit slower.......anyway, things were going swimmingly well and them suddenly one Saturday he just didn't call the way he usually did, and became just distant and detached. This was the start of it, I addressed it with him he became kind of vague, my gut started talking to me, even though he's trying to tell me he's still there, then he seemed to be there and not there, I got tired of it, had a go at him for how he was treating me and then that's it. Nothing.

When I'm not even into someone, I feel bad to let them down and tell them, but out of honesty and integrity which I have I always do. Without even having feelings for them, I wonder how they are and hope they're ok.....so I can't understand how someone like my ex can be so into me, and on my case, morning, afternoon, evening and night like he'd been let out of a cage 1 day and literally just stop the next and go on as though I never existed? How do people do that? Please can someone give me a real exlanation because it's beyond me....and I'm not a woman who's naive to the world either.

[DN]

I got tired of it, had a go at him for how he was treating me

 

How long had he been 'detached' before you had a go at him. What did you say and were you very aggressive? Have you had a 'go' at him over anything else? Did you ask him if there was any reason for it or just complain about what he was doing?

[tarheelfan]

I'll help as much as I can... but I am in the same boat as you so the advice will likely be MUCH better from others.

 

It is my humble opinion that there are just 2 different types of people. There are those like you and I who take time to grieve, miss our mates SO much and ache for them to call. We go through a grieving process that allows our bodies to heal and that process is lengthy.

 

The other type of people (like our ex's) grieve much quicker and GENERALLY do it while we are still together with them. In other words, in their minds, they began to break up with us and let go of us WHILE we were still together.

 

Maybe someday we'll be able to look back and go "Ya know... I can see where they started to change...". Who knows.

 

But I do know this. We EXternalize our feelings and get it out and want answers and closure. They INternalize their feelings and deal with it on their own. Get passed it and move on. I can NOT tell you why. Wish I could.

[tarheelfan]

Hope that didn't sound harsh. I am very sorry if it did.

[Rainz]

I got tired of it, had a go at him for how he was treating me

 

How long had he been 'detached' before you had a go at him. What did you say and were you very aggressive? Have you had a 'go' at him over anything else? Did you ask him if there was any reason for it or just complain about what he was doing?

 

DN

It started the Saturday he wasn't right, we were supposed to meet at 7, he hadnt called since midday. I waited until 7.30, called his place of busines because thats where we were supposed to meet, he was there, asked me if I'm ok and tells me he'll call me back all in the same breath, quite abrupt. That didnt sit well with me. I texted him, expressing my frustration. Because he hates conflict so much I knew he wasn't going to respond any time soon, This made me more annoyed, I send more texts expressing my annoyance. He eventually tells me some story about how rubbish days takings at the till was, and this and that and blah blah...I responded by saying it doesnt excuse not callin. So we hadn't gone out in the end, I'm annoyed. Sunday. No morning phone call from him, again not like him, bu then the night before wasn't like him either, it dawns on me I've not seen him all week. I take a t-shirt that I had bought for him and myself to his place of business to see if I can get to the botton og what's wrong.

We sit in my car, we talk, he explains that his finanes are a total mess, basically if he doesnt't get certain things under control he could lose his whole livelihood. I listen, I'm supportive. He apologieses for the day before, I give him his t-shirt. We were getting on like we normally do, we kiss and cuddle. He promises to call in half an hour and doesn't. alarm bells go off in my head again. I keep cool and get on. He texts me saying thank-you. but still no phonecall. He was leaving London that evening to go and see his parents in Wales, still thought his phonecalls were really scarce and not as frequent. Anyway Sunday through till Monday he was sort of there but not there. We both agree how uncourteous it is to not return calls when you say and we both agreed that texting isn't good enough other than for brief exchanges. So things still didn't sit well with me. The Monday morning I was off work, he had sent me a good morning text, so I called him back. I told him nicely that I'm feeling a vibe here is he ok about us, he say yes, he's chuffed that I came to see him, he wore his t-shirt all evening just to feel some connection with me, it's not me it's just that he has to sort these things out regarding the finance situation. He wants to be with me, im the onyl positive thing in his life, he wants the same thing as me, I tell him he's suddenly changed, he's become distant, my voice starts cracking, he insists its just these issues that he's dealing with.i say ok. he says he'll call in half hour when he gets out of bed properly, then doesnt, i get upset again, send him a stroppy text, then he texts me back a few hours later that he's getting sick grandad reasy for hospital, texts me every so many hours updating me about grandad, then calls. I feel a bit better. Then come Tuesday I get a brief morning call then nothing. All day Tuesday I'm full of anxiety, come Tuesday night I call his mobil, he doesnt answer my calls, I get even more upset and that's when I first had a go at him. So from Saturday to Tuesday was how long he was detached. I was very upset and a bit aggressive. I've never had a go at him over anything else before.

[Rainz]

That's a good perspective on it Tarheel, I'm definitely an answers and closure person. The way I see it if he had so much mouth to woo me, date me, make so many grand gestures both verbally and in his actions, why then didn't he have the mouth to tell me his change of heart? Keep things neat and tidy, don't go down the flaky, shabby route, just tell me, it's not going to kill me that's the way I see it, at least I can have respect for you afterwards. Coming to this website at least I know I'm not alone. In my direct circle of friends relatives etc...no-one has had an experience that was so abrupt and unexpected and they just cannot relate. Everyone is just as shocked as me. He was the one instigating everything, all the serious stuff everything.

[tarheelfan]

I'm right there with ya' rainz. SAME situation. It's bizarre. Like I said... 2 different types of people.

 

Here's to US! We'll find someone more LIKE us next time! Keep the faith.

[DN]

OK, let's see what his point of view might be:

 

His business is falling apart, his finances are a mess and he could lose his entire livelihood. His granddad is sick and he has to take the time from his business to get him ready to go to hospital - presumably that is fairly serious. And now he has you mad at him for not calling you often enough and feeling that there is something wrong with the relationship even though he assures there is not.

 

These three things are all causing him stress. Which is the one that he can control the most?

 

He has to try to save his livelihood so he can't avoid that stress.

 

He can't make his grandad better so he can't avoid that stress.

 

He can stop dealing with you and avoid that stress.

[simon_uk]

That was fantastic response DN! Very well analyzed. I think DN may be on to something with this one Rainz so I would perhaps try to stay on good terms with your ex and see if maybe you can help him in some way or at least let him know that you understand and you are there for him. I dont think being mad with him is the best way here.

 

Simon

[tarheelfan]

OK, let's see what his point of view might be:

 

His business is falling apart, his finances are a mess and he could lose his entire livelihood. His granddad is sick and he has to take the time from his business to get him ready to go to hospital - presumably that is fairly serious. And now he has you mad at him for not calling you often enough and feeling that there is something wrong with the relationship even though he assures there is not.

 

These three things are all causing him stress. Which is the one that he can control the most?

 

He has to try to save his livelihood so he can't avoid that stress.

 

He can't make his grandad better so he can't avoid that stress.

 

He can stop dealing with you and avoid that stress.

 

 

AWESOME AWESOME response. Mine went through the SAME thing but it is her Dad who is sick. But now I have CONVINCED myself to send her this very nice letter I have written. Somebody slap me quick or I will put it in the mailbox... HELP ME NOW GUYS!

[simon_uk]

If you havent had much contact with her I would go with your instinct and send the letter. i did it and I have had some kind of response. I dont know how positive it is yet and I am not holding my breath but it is something. The reason I sent the letetr was really for closure for myself but to know, really know that I did everything I could to so save my relationship. Its upto you but sometimes, sometimes, complete NC isnt always the best option.

[Rainz]

OK, let's see what his point of view might be:

 

His business is falling apart, his finances are a mess and he could lose his entire livelihood. His granddad is sick and he has to take the time from his business to get him ready to go to hospital - presumably that is fairly serious. And now he has you mad at him for not calling you often enough and feeling that there is something wrong with the relationship even though he assures there is not.

 

These three things are all causing him stress. Which is the one that he can control the most?

 

He has to try to save his livelihood so he can't avoid that stress.

 

He can't make his grandad better so he can't avoid that stress.

 

He can stop dealing with you and avoid that stress.

 

DN

I know. A guy friend of mine gave me that same perspective. Even when he revealed the finance issues, he said that he didn't want to have to tell me that he didn't have enough money for us to go out, he has his pride etc. I told him that I'm not with him for that, and that we can sit indoors with each other, we don't have to go out all the time. Admittedly, his financial situation is a mess because instead of nipping it in the bud when it first arose he just danced around it all and now it's reached a point where it's bad. That intial Sunday he did say he knows he can become vague when udner pressure and that it's not a good thing. However for how he normally communicates if he had said to me that this is what's going on, sorry if I'm being a bit distant, I'm still thinking of you. Then I would have gotten it. But for him to just stop calling, stop communicating, what am i supposed to think? Even my Mum called him, they get one well, and he told my Mum the same story, and also told my Mum that I'm not throwing wobblies at him on the phone and he can't take that. Then he he just stopped calling and only text me, and kept saying he doesn't want for us to argue he wants for us to be ok. For someone who hates texting as much as I do to start only communicating with me by text, just made me more frustrated, it's like I'm not being heard. I end up having another go at him, saying the worst things to him ever, very harsh words, more harsh texts messages back to him, because by now I'm feeling rejected, hurt, let down, disappointed, the anxiety of him being in Wales and not London, plus me missing him etc...was all too much and he caused it by not communicating in my eyes, basically just made it all worse, and that wa when he became really cold. That Sunday I went to his place of business, he was really upset and angry, told me how hurt he is by the things I've said, never expected this of me, I told him that if he had reassured me to begin with I wouldn't have reacted the way I did, he says I've overreacted if this is how I am now what would I be like 6 months a year down the line when we have a house and kids, I tell hime the same thing what would he be like, would he just shut down whn faced with hard times?? It just wasn't nice, in all my years of knowing him I've never seen or heard of him to be mad like that. He made it clear he didn't want to see me or talk to me at that point. I apologised, that made no difference and it's like he's just written me off. He hasn't called, nor been to see me or anything and I just miss him so much and feel that it's unfair. Before this happened we were both so happy. I'm 32 he 38, we both talked of how we're both at and age and stage in life where we both want to settle down. We felt that we'd found in each other that rare "once every 10 year" type excitement that I'd given up on. He often said he felt like a teenager again etc because of me and now he's just given up on it all. The thing is I know he's not even "happy" there were so many things that he wanted to change in his life and he told me I was the "missing link" in it all. He was my "missing link" as well. My perfect gentleman until it all hit the fan. I've met a couple of other guys but my heart is so not in it.

[DN]

OK, look, you have to stop playing the blame game. It is not working for you. You can vent on here and tell us what happened and we can sympathise and support and try to make you feel better - and it may work for a while. But it won't get him back and I am assuming that is what you want. So stop working yourself up into a tizzy and let your rational mind govern your emotions.

 

Assume he was wrong for not calling you. OK, then how you approach him about that is key. Bear with me and read the following. It is a response I wrote to someone who wanted to get her boyfriend to do something and I suggested a new way to communicate what she wanted:

 

 

Much of that applies to you and your relationship. He is in a lot of pain right now and you are adding to it, whether you are right or wrong is not the point. But if you can give him comfort, and at the same time get what you want, then your relationship may have a chance.

[Rainz]

Thanks for your analysis DN.

 

Whether I take steps to initiate contact with him or not. I'll definietly look toward working on myself as far as my approach goes when I need to communicate within my relationships.

 

I'm feeling quite positive today though, thanks.