Is it worth it to keep this in mind?

[snkv]

Hello to all!

 

Long story short, I had a horrible break-up with my girlfriend for over 8 years, and I met another girl as if some kind of magic. We just clicked. Life was giving me a second chance. We dated for almost a year, and suddenly she stopped contacting me for a week or so, and had simple excuses for all my invitations. So, yes, you guessed it. She told me that a new relationship spontaneously happened, because she was unsure if I have the same feelings towards her. I was shocked. I gave her all my spare time, we exchanged gifts with and without occasion, everything was beyond fine. She told me that in her eyes I was loving womens attention or some crazy stuff like that.

 

The main factor in my issue here, is that she is 29, and I am 28, which doesn't leave us time and space for much more relationships, at least from my point of view.

 

I am starting to double question my very being as a man. I know this is too harsh to say or even a cliche, but this is messing with me on a physical level too. At the end of each training session at the gym, which is my only routine activity, I get a bit dizzy, winded and agry for no obvious reason, physical results are present.

 

We had a last meeting, but I couldn't make all my points because I was shattered. Two months and a half after that, she messaged me on instagram and facebook occasionally every few days, whilst I was in full no-contact mode. Two days ago I blocked her from every social media we had a connection on. Deleted her number. Then the other day she contacted me via Viber, because she still had my number. She said she was very hurt to see that I have removed her from everything. I got mad and poured all that was keeping me awake at night. At first she stood her defenses up, but I made further points which she confessed true, and told me that she had it wrong, but she is already 2 months into that new relationship (with a guy that is the complete opposite of me of course).

 

And she decided to finish me off by saying, "but know that I am not aware what will happen tomorrow, the next week or the end of this year". Like as if I am the spare tire and she just locked me in my own prison. I am beyond desperate and broken. She said that she does not want me out of her life, that she couldn't take it.

 

Would You keep a warm memory(hope) for this person to come back eventually? It's been almost 3 months now, I can't sleep more than 3-4 hours at best. I literally think about her every second, despite all my tries to forget. I do not see her image anywhere, and still I can't cope with reality. Self-worth is non-existant. I don't find joy in anything. I can't have a decent talk with anyone.

[Capttrae]

It could happen but don't wait around for her. Go out find you another one. There are plenty of them out there

[snkv]

It could happen but don't wait around for her. Go out find you another one. There are plenty of them out there

 

Yes, that is my default logic, just like anyone else's but the problem is I tried 3 times already and by Murphy's Laws of attraction, the girl obviously gets interested in me, and on the second day immediately acts offended and responds with one liners.

[Capttrae]

May try just being single for a while. I've done that too.

[rosephase]

Wow, she's a jerk.

 

Why would you want to be with someone who treated you so poorly. She started another relationship while you were together and now is dangling the idea that *someday* *maybe* she might want to get back together with you. Oh no, not now, now she is in the relationship she dumped you for... but hey, if that fails or if she loses interest she would like it if she could have your attention and affection until she finds someone she likes more.

 

Even the fact that she's having these conversations with you, while in this relationship, is so disrespectful of the relationship she is currently in. And getting you back on the emotional hook by contacting you and talking this way... at best? she is super self centered? at worst? she is actively mean.

 

What a jerk.

[DanZee]

She just wants to keep you as her backup plan. If the jerk of a boyfriend she's seeing now breaks up with her, she might default back to you for a while. But I wouldn't trust her. As rosephase said, why go back to someone who treated you so poorly? Find another girl and forget about her.

[catfeeder]

The main factor in my issue here, is that she is 29, and I am 28, which doesn't leave us time and space for much more relationships, at least from my point of view.

 

This belief is what's causing your urgency. This will not only make you miserable, it will make you desperate, which is a turn off and a giant red flag to women. You've leapfrogged from your 8 year relationship directly into another one without gaining any autonomy or solidity of self. Now you're frantic about finding someone else, and that will play out as either coming on too strong and scaring women away, or you'll attract someone as desperate and as fearful of being alone as you are. But you've already seen how rebounding plays out--either the last ex viewed you as attention hungry and didn't trust you, or her excuse was lame because she wasn't a good pick and she picked someone else before she dumped you.

 

The only way for your lover-picking skills to become reliable is for you to learn how to rely on your Self. Solo. You're not racing against a bio-clock, so you may want to slow down and examine your rush to hook up quickly instead of learning how to relax and allow yourself to develop a solid sense of values you can recognize in another, rendering anyone less that RIGHT for you to be irrelevant.

 

Most people are NOT our match. That's not cynical, it's just math. It's also liberating to grasp because it frees you to allow wrong matches to pass early while you screen for a GOOD match, not just any match who will have you.

 

Head high, and work with a therapist if necessary to calm yourself and relax. The dating thing is not nearly as pressurized as you make it out to be, and unless you lose that urgency, you'll sabotage yourself and keep drilling yourself a deeper emotional hole to climb out of.

[snkv]

allow yourself to develop a solid sense of values you can recognize in another, rendering anyone less that RIGHT for you to be irrelevant.

 

Before all else, thank You for your opinion on my problem, every line of it is like nothing I have read on the internet, You just sound certified and well-read. This doesn't mean the rest of the community did not help here, thank You guys!

 

But how to cope with the fact that this is the first female that I see a lot of myself in. I am talking about understanding each other across a room full of people with just a stare, or a gesture, laughing over things together that I have laughed at only infront of my computer screen, alone, and etc. ?

 

I will make it a priority for me to just work, read books, hit the gym harder, solving problems for my relatives, friends and me, and mostly working on dealing with negative thoughts.

[catfeeder]

But how to cope with the fact that this is the first female that I see a lot of myself in. I am talking about understanding each other across a room full of people with just a stare, or a gesture, laughing over things together that I have laughed at only infront of my computer screen, alone, and etc. ?

 

I will make it a priority for me to just work, read books, hit the gym harder, solving problems for my relatives, friends and me, and mostly working on dealing with negative thoughts.

 

Insta-bonding is a great sign of initial chemistry, but it's not necessarily an automatic sign that you're a great match for one another in other important aspects. That's what dating is for--to learn that stuff.

 

Carting your 8 year relationship-mode into a new relationship can feel natural, but it's not the stuff of forming a brand new relationship. It's leftover habit that you developed 'around' someone else, so it may not feel like simpatico for someone new. That's why it's important to clean your slate and get your Self back. Then you can operate from that place and form a unique bond with someone based on two compatible selves--not leftover behaviors from a prior relationship.

 

Relax first, and your perspective will change as your reach your own higher ground.