I gave him an ultimatum - was I wrong?

[Tdcjones]

Hello,

I have known my boyfriend for 11 years, together for 15 months, lived together for 6 months.

I work evenings and weekends, he works mon-fri 8-4. Every weekend he has one night out with his friends which doesn’t bother me at all, infact, I encourage it as he does a difficult job and it also means I get to have a night with the house to myself to have some ‘me time’.

Anyway, over the last 5 weeks he hasn’t come home until atleast 8am 4 times and the one time he did come home was because he got punched.

He isn’t cheating. But I do know he has a past with taking recreational drugs which worries me. He’s usually late home because he goes to a friends house and continues to drink. He tells me he feels he has a problem - once he starts drinking he “just can’t stop”.

Today he woke me up coming in at 9am. Due to work I don’t tend to wake up until about midday.

Today I gave him an ultimatum - go out by all means, enjoy yourself, but don’t tell me you’re gonna be ‘home early’ or ‘booking a taxi soon’ when you won’t be - just be honest and tell me you’re staying out - or I will leave. Obviously it’s not just that simple - he comes back so drunk, stays in bed all day the next day, his friends are so nasty about me. They once came into my work place and started being quite abusive but I will never ask him to choose.

He broke down. Tears. Hugs. Begging.

I should add he knows I have trouble sleeping and can get quite anxious when I don’t know what’s going on.

Now I feel like I’ve done the wrong thing and rather than being highly emotional I should have waited until I had calmed down and spoken about it after thought rather than acting out of frustration and tiredness.

 

I need someone to tell me - did I act out of spite and do the wrong thing? I never intended to upset him really I just wanted him to realise how I feel. I’ve told him before but until today I don’t think he understood how I really felt.

 

Sorry for the rant!

[Capricorn3]

I do know he has a past with taking recreational drugs which worries me. He’s usually late home because he goes to a friends house and continues to drink. He tells me he feels he has a problem - once he starts drinking he “just can’t stop”.

- he comes back so drunk, stays in bed all day the next day, his friends are so nasty about me. They once came into my work place and started being quite abusive

^ This alone would make me pack up and leave. I would head for the hills and never look back. Sounds like he has a drinking problem (which for me, is a deal breaker).

 

OP, he's giving you a great insight of what the future holds for you if you stay with him. When I see my future like that, I would be screaming Hell NO! He won't change - if anything, it WILL get worse. Is this really what you want?? Think about it.

 

And No, you didn't do anything wrong giving an ultimatum. I do however think you will be doing wrong by staying with this ... person.

[Annia]

You did the right thing. He has to "grow up" and deal with this problem or he has to leave. Don't second guess yourself on this one. You have all the right to express how you feel about this.

 

I'm also concerned about what you said about his friends being abusive to you and coming to your work... like, what the hell??

[DaisyMayPorter]

His friends should not be coming to your work, that is harassment.

[Snny]

Ultimatums rarely work-- especially when he's got an addiction. He has gone from drugs to drinking. No ultimatum will fix that problem.

 

Capricorn is right: this is essentially who he is. And his friend coming over to your workplace seriously crossed the line. I would of contacted security/the police for their unruly behavior.

 

This will only get worse. Just ask people who date/are married to alcoholics and see how much the habit has ruined their relationship.

[journeynow]

Today I gave him an ultimatum - go out by all means, enjoy yourself, but don’t tell me you’re gonna be ‘home early’ or ‘booking a taxi soon’ when you won’t be - just be honest

Asking for honesty in a relationship? Sounds like the right thing to me.

 

That said, "early" or "soon" (as in saying he's going to be "home early" or "booking a taxi soon") are vague statements. Early, soon, those are open to interpretation. Home by midnight, booking a taxi for 2 am, those are specifics. In relationships, I found vague statements to be problematic. I'd hear them as promises, and understand them to mean something specific, time-wise. After repeated disappointment I think the speaker may see these as "good ideas" or good intentions at the moment, but non-binding.

[MissCanuck]

What on earth are his friends doing coming to your workplace? Who does that , and moreover, what did your boyfriend do about it? That crosses so many lines the mind boggles.

 

He sounds like a mess who attracts chaos. I don't think he's going to give up this lifestyle too easily, and I don't blame you for being extremely frustrated and fed up. This is ridiculous, but typical of addicts. He obviously has an issue with alcohol, but what other drugs does he take? (that you know of, obviously) How did he get himself punched? I imagine he gets up to a lot more trouble on these nights out than you realize.

 

I think you need to reconsider the relationship, OP. This doesn't sound good at all. You can see if he's willing or capable or making changes if you feel he deserves a chance, but I am not too convinced you're going to see the results you're hoping for. How old is he?