How to stop the destruction of our long-distance relationship?

[orangesrock]

1 year LDR, 2 months in

We have been together for over 4 years. This October, she moved 2000 km away to another country (in Europe, we both live in EU). Volunteering program for a year. Now, we are facing a crisis. Over the last three weeks, she has grown increasingly distant. We have been talking on the phone almost every day, but she said that it has turned into a chore.

 

Where I stand

Past month, I have concentrated on personal goals like work, health, and so on. Right now, I feel that all other aspects of my life are great. But relationships and romance have always been really important to me - and believe me when I say this - no one has compared to her in personality compatibility. She's stellar!

 

Bad communication from my side

I feel bad for communicating mainly relationship building based stuff to her over the internet and phone. I guess I started to distance in another way: just focusing on the communication like 'a job you gotta do the right way'. Ugh, I feel bad about it. As a result, I sent a skewed, unattractive vision of me only focusing on our LDR, not having any passions of my own.

 

Now, it's ... dead

We have met twice in her current country. The second time a few days ago. The relationship feels quite dead. I am really sad; I do love her. That said, I have to be careful about showing affection too much. She said that if I contribute more into the relationship than her, then this makes her distance herself even more. She feels guilty about already hurting me and said she doesn't miss me at all. When I tell her I love her, she shows a blank response. Nothing like that when she left, back then she cried in the airport when we said good-bye. This time, I cried (buckets) because us meeting again reminded everything I cherished about our relationship. It was awkward because I was genuinely sad, but she thought it was just an emotional outburst caused by hunger or not enough sleep.

 

Background issues

We have a few bigger relationship issues to deal with, but it's impossible to arrange couples therapy in our LDR situation. Some problems trace back to rough spring we had this year: huge university stress, temporary breakup, emotional fights, etc. She doubts the point of working on the RS if we can't deal with these issues.

 

What the future holds

In a few weeks, we are going on a 10+ days trip abroad. This is the last thing we have planned and the calendar's empty for the rest of 2018. We both agreed that calling or Skype don't really work, the real bonding only happens eye to eye. Moving closer isn't an option as she took the year for self-development and feels that mixing volunteering with a close relationship ruins the solo experience she went to find. What are some practical things we can do to make this work?

[DanZee]

Well, I think the relationship's dead and you're using a lot of self-help mumbo-jumbo to try to keep from moving on. It seems like the relationship wasn't too strong initially and without personal contact it withered. If your girlfriend still wants to go on the 10-day trip, it will probably be as friends, or it will be her goodbye tour. You should probably start looking for someone nice within your area to date.

[thorough]

Well, I think the relationship's dead and you're using a lot of self-help mumbo-jumbo to try to keep from moving on. It seems like the relationship wasn't too strong initially and without personal contact it withered. If your girlfriend still wants to go on the 10-day trip, it will probably be as friends, or it will be her goodbye tour. You should probably start looking for someone nice within your area to date.

 

I agree w/this and I feel your pain. Granted w/my LDR situation, we knew each other for a short period of time, I fought tooth and nail to keep almost dead relationship alive. In the end, that was just a waste of all my energy. Def very hurtful when someone calls you a chore and this person is not worth fighting for. I took the crappy communication and days w/out contact, w/him telling me how much he cared about me. Take your time to mourn and if you find someone local, who doesn't see you as a chore, you will be MUCH happier. Good luck.