Depression and anxiery after being used by my ex

[AlexSays]

I have been talking to a really nice guy for the last 1 1/2 months. He is consistent and very respectful and sweet. We have known each other for a while but just in the last month and a half really started talking. It started off flirty right away. Nothing sexual has happened. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I said no because I didn’t want to use him as a rebound. Even after saying no he is still being consistent. He puts in effort to make my day better and is always available when I want to talk. Always texts me in the morning and night even if I never answer. Goes out of his way, is very respectful, smart, attentive.

 

My last relationship ended horrible around 3 months ago. I betrayed his trust and he broke up with me then around 1 1/2 months after the break i reached out and attempted to rekindle the friendship. He wanted to work towards a gf/bf relationship again but was being inconsistent and was talking to his ex again. I never trusted him even during the relationship and that’s what ultimately led to us ending. Just my gut never left me alone.... even though he was showing me he loved me with actions. After the horrible start (we started horrible. I used him for attention and he used me to rebound on his ex that he’s talking to again now. He asked for exclusivity and I gave it to him and he wasn’t giving it back and I never trusted him after that. I tried to break up and he manipulated me insinuating if I left him he would hurt himself) Now we decided to go NC and he is fully courting his ex again. I honestly still love him but I know I deserve better. However this has made me question everything that happened during our relationship of one year and I feel like everything he made me believe was a lie. Now I feel like I can’t trust any guy.

 

My ex is dealing with depression and honestly He hates being alone. I am the opposite and I’ve always cherished being alone and never minded being single. When we started, he wasn’t even my type and I was his. Since he was a good guy I forced myself into the relationship by easing into it. Down the line despite the lack of trust I fell for him. That goes to show I did genuinely love him. He wasn’t even physically my type, and he had NOTHING to offer me. The guy couldn’t even drive and wasn’t in school and after me I helped him get a license by teaching him to drive and helped him save to get in school. I stayed with him when he had nothing to offer me. I basically picked him up and wanted to fix him.

 

His ex girl left him for the same issues I helped him. His depression, negativity, was nothing on paper had really nothing to offer. Down the line he even rejected her advances to be with me but after the damage I caused him I think he’s trying to get her back. He has admitted to wanting her back on his social media after going NC with me but the day before we went NC gave me a letter saying he still loved me and said to me not even a week before he didn’t want her back and he wasn’t getting back together with her because he didn’t want to. The day after going NC I saw he called her babe and I posted a pic of me and my new guy from above. My ex saw it and deleted me off the platform I posted it. The guy is obviously a joke and a clown considering he was posting pics with his ex for 3 months and I never retorted until now that we went NC. It’s making things easier for me but the memories are now tainted and he’s my first everything sexual except for the sex because I never had sex with him during the year due to lack of trust. This was obv an issue, since he lost his virginity to his ex and got used to sex. He felt rejected and like he wasn’t good enough for me. Ultimately all the issues led to the end.

 

I feel disgusted, like I want to shower with bleach and delete his fingertips off my body. I feel so dirty and I feel like I’m getting depressed... I never allow anyone to touch me like that unless I am committed to them and he was my first love. Now I feel like I was letting a stranger touch me, the memories were so happy and now they’re so disgusting I hate him so much I’m literally crying typing this.

 

I’m honestly torn and don’t know what to do or how to even go about doing it. I feel depressed and dirty and like I want to hit my head and get amnesia on purpose.

[1a1a]

Don’t feel disgusted, see what things you can learn about yourself, and things you want in a partner from this experience. Most dating ends up a bust but all of it helps us know more about ourselves

[Carus]

It is important that you cry...so let it out when it comes.

 

Google Attachment Theory and Stages of Grief to get a better understanding of what you are going through...

 

Hugs

Carus*

[Rozhni]

Think about it like this. Your ex is just some guy who crossed your life and you accepted him in it. He’s nothing special obviously. The only thing special about him is that he was basically your first. (Penetration is not THAT special) it’s the being naked together, sharing sexual experiences, all that stuff that is what’s most special. You can make love without penetration. He is just a lesson in your life and you both have messed up in your own ways. When you first start dating exclusively you learn a lot about your insecurities that you never knew you had. It’s quite scary actually because you realize how weak you are. The more you like a guy, the more anxiety you’ll have because you’ll feel like you’ll never find someone better so you begin to worry and get jealous..

With this new guy. Is he better than your ex quality wise? Do you feel like he’s a high quality guy? You seem like a girl who doesn’t date just any guy. You seem to only want to date someone where forever is the goal. If this new guy makes you feel happy, if he has a lot going for him, if he puts in all this effort into you, why not date him?

What don’t you like about him? Would you be hurt if he moves on tomorrow and finds someone else because you were never sure about him?

I’m sure it hurts him if he feels like you’re not that into him.

[AlexSays]

Think about it like this. Your ex is just some guy who crossed your life and you accepted him in it. He’s nothing special obviously. The only thing special about him is that he was basically your first. (Penetration is not THAT special) it’s the being naked together, sharing sexual experiences, all that stuff that is what’s most special. You can make love without penetration. He is just a lesson in your life and you both have messed up in your own ways. When you first start dating exclusively you learn a lot about your insecurities that you never knew you had. It’s quite scary actually because you realize how weak you are. The more you like a guy, the more anxiety you’ll have because you’ll feel like you’ll never find someone better so you begin to worry and get jealous..

With this new guy. Is he better than your ex quality wise? Do you feel like he’s a high quality guy? You seem like a girl who doesn’t date just any guy. You seem to only want to date someone where forever is the goal. If this new guy makes you feel happy, if he has a lot going for him, if he puts in all this effort into you, why not date him?

What don’t you like about him? Would you be hurt if he moves on tomorrow and finds someone else because you were never sure about him?

I’m sure it hurts him if he feels like you’re not that into him.

 

Thank you so much for your reply. Reading this again I realize how far I’ve gotten since my break up.

 

The thought of my ex still lingers from time to time, but it no longer fills me with regret. Just sadness. I feel like I’m genuinely moving on completely.

 

Regarding the new guy, he’s still courting me and being just as consistent. Met his family yesterday, and got him to agree to slow things down for me and wait until I’m ready to form a partnership. As of now, I’m enjoying not having someone to call my own.

 

The guy is actually ridiculously similar to my ex personality wise. They favor the same color, food, video game, say the same catchphrases, etc. The resemblance is uncanny... but this new guy? He’s the improved version.

 

He’s actually mature (he’s 7 yrs older than my ex so that’s a given. Ex is 21 he is 28. ) he’s respectful to all women unlike my ex who loved to shame and stuff. New guy is way better on paper. He’s positive and full of energy unlike my downer ex. So I’m basically getting best of both worlds.

 

We have agreed to talk exclusively, and thinking of how him now makes me super happy. He puts a smile on my face so easily.

 

Posting about my moving-on journey soon!