Always looking for reassurance

[Emotiredness]

I have posted on this forum (twice, unfortunately) before on the no label relationship between my partner and I. Long story short, he agreed to the label and promised to see how it turns out between us.

 

It has only been a couple of weeks from then, and I am still feeling insecure. I am not sure whether I am feeling insecure due to my inner insecurities or my gut feeling is seriously telling me something is wrong with us (and our rocky start is not helping).

 

I have couple of issues and hope I can get some opinion on them:

 

1. I feel I am not good enough for him.

I am a person who thinks a lot, a pessimistic I would say. I feel that I have no qualities for him to like and maybe I am just a "okay for now" girl for him. I am constantly looking for reassurance from him, which brings me to my next point.

 

2. Not enough reassurance (Online vs Offline)

When we meet, we hang out as per usual and he treats me well, brings me to places I want to go, and gives me hugs and kisses. However, when we we go "online" (aka no meetups and just solely texting), I can no longer feel his feelings for me. I began texting him subtle questions to get assurances from him (such as "don't you miss me..." when we stop texting for more than 12 hours), which he usually laughs it off or dismiss.

 

He has a 100 hours work week and has warned me that he could not meet up very often.. He is never a romantic person, but sometimes I would just want that "miss you" text. I know I can't force it out of him, but I am confused on what I am supposed to do...

 

 

Last night, it happened again. I texted him I was tired and there was a lot of things on my mind. He asked me what happened and talk to him, but I refused and told him he needs rest from his long day of work.

 

 

I have been hurt before in my past relationship, and has been single for far too long. I admit I do have trust issues that I need to work out from myself. But I don't want these insecurities and the need for reassurance to push him away... How do I work on myself and this relationship?

[1a1a]

Do you have a mental health professional on your team yet? It sounds like you could use the help of one to work through your feelings of inadequacy.

 

Next, what else do you have going oninyour life that makes it full and awesome and him just a cherry on top and not the whole cake? Friends, work, passions, ambitions. If there’s not a lot now is as good a time as any to add more.

 

Finally, you’re allowed to want a certain level of contact from a partner, and he’s allowed to be too busy to give it. That might just mean that even though you are both attracted and you both like each other, you aren’t compatible.

 

If you step back and leave him to set the pace of engagement what does it drop to? Are you happy with that? (You don’t have to be, but you can’t control his actions only your own and low level of engagement might be your cue to abandon this tepid boy and free yourself up to meet someone who has fire for you).

[Capricorn3]

I have no answers but just wanted to comment on one part. I think it must be incredibly difficult for anyone to sustain a relationship when working 100 hours a week. I can't imagine him having any energy left and the last thing on his mind is texting (imo).

[Emotiredness]

I do not have a professional with me right now as such insecurities has just started to bubble up a couple of weeks ago (less than 2 months).

 

I do have friends, and ambitions of wanting to grow further in my work.It does help with my friends always listening to the problems I have and giving their advice and take that I am thinking too much and I should enjoy this journey with him... and I will forget about all these problems for a moment. However, sometimes it just lapse back and I am unsure of what I should do (esp at night when no one is there to listen to me).

 

I took a step back by trying not initiate dates with him (still working on texting). Up to date, he will still see me once a week for couple of hours (around 5 hours), which I am fine with. When I do request, he will try to fit in some time in his schedule (be it a quick lunch or dinner).

 

My only problem is his lack of engagement through text... I do not see any sparks in his texts and I just feel very upset about it.

 

Thank you for your advice.

[Emotiredness]

I agree, he usually works over midnight and sometimes on weekends. I appreciate it when he takes time to spend it with me.

 

When we stop texting for more than 12 hours and I initiate another text to him, he tends to reply, telling me about his busy schedule..

 

I rarely show interest in people, which is why I do not want to let him go.. I do like how serious he is at work and how he pursues his dreams, but sometimes I just need that simple text telling me that among his tight schedule, he is at least thinking of me...

[MissCanuck]

I am not sure you two are compatible, OP.

 

He is incredibly busy and just doesn't place the same value on texting that you do. It doesn't mean either of you is wrong, but you have very different expectations and communication styles.

 

Why did he agree to finally put a label on this, out of curiosity?

[Emotiredness]

I simply just told him how insecure the ambiguous relationship made me feel and how it prevented me from opening up to him. He admitted that he is afraid of long term commitments especially due to his work. I have no idea what fully convinced him to accept the label, but he told me that he is willing to take the risk with me. We promised that we will always talk things out and see how things goes.

 

I never knew I had such high expectations in texting, and personally I do not think that is the case. He does still text me in the midst of his busy schedule, but just never reassuring me that he misses me, and my insecurities stems from there.

 

Perhaps I should learn how to get reassurance from his actions instead of his words. He does still take time out to meet me (for quick lunches or dinner) if I say I want to meet... But maybe like what 1a1a said, I may need professional help on this...