Learning to Let Go

[1278]

This is the second journal entry I've been writing on my computer. Honestly I recommend keeping a journal. I feel relief while writing. I've always been emotional person so to be able to release all the emotions other than crying feel good.

 

I'm glad I started doing this because I've cried to the point where my body can't cry anymore and that I have now developed an eye twitch that comes and goes throughout the day.

 

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The mornings are so hard. Wow honestly the mornings make me depressed. Every since we broke up, I’ve been dreaming, sometimes having nightmares, about him every single night. I deleted all the photos and just cut him off for over three weeks now. It’s to the point where his face is slowly disappearing from my memory. I’m starting to forget what he looks like because in my dreams he doesn’t even look like him if that even makes any sense. My subconscious is starting to erase his appearance. I know I need to move on, I know I can’t have a relationship right now, I know I need to focus on me, I know this is a time for me and I know our relationship is over. But the mornings are so hard. It makes me realize the reality of my situation.

 

I wonder if we’ll ever reconnect even as friends. I told him we could be friends but I have to heal first when we said our official goodbyes. He told me “I can’t not have you in my life” when I told him we couldn’t stay in touch after the breakup. I agreed to be friends the first week but I knew I couldn’t go on like this. I do want him in life again one day no matter if we’re going to be together or not. I miss talking to him. He was my “person”. I just miss him. I miss our friendship too. It really hurts to become strangers with someone you used to be so close and intimate with not just physically but emotionally too. To share all these memories that I’m constantly reflecting on to a now stranger is such a weird concept to comprehend.

 

I’ve always been a person who overthinks and just gets anxious due to overthinking, and he knows this too. It’s hard to shift my focus on what’s important which is me. I can’t stop thinking about him and I hate it so much. I think it’s because of all the memories we shared. They were really good memories. I really miss them. Those memories are so precious to me but I want to move past them. There’s a difference between appreciating memories and living in their past. I’m living in those memories’ past right now. I guess in a way it’s like he’s still with me, like I’m in a relationship with the ghost of these memories. I need to get out of that and move forward. It’s so hard.

 

I need to get out of this tunnel. I need to fight my hardest to reach to that light and stay there. It’s so hard it makes me mad. Honestly I’m so sick of pitying myself. I’m literally to the point where I’m sick of thinking of him, I’m sick of obsessing over something that’s not part of the present anymore, I’m sick of crying, I’m sick of feeling sad, I’m sick of having my head feel full, I’m sick of all of it. In a way I’m glad I obsessed over it the first month because I believe it got out of my system faster. I can appreciate that about myself, when I obsess about something, I really really really obsess over it, but once I’m truly over something, I’m over it. I can’t wait to reach to that mindset.

 

Sometimes I feel one foot out the tunnel and one foot in this dark cave. I admit that a part of me doesn’t and is afraid to let go. Another part of me wants to so badly already. Holding on feels so detrimental for me. Holding on literally drives me insane sometimes because in reality there’s nothing left to hold on to, our relationship is over.

 

Accepting it’s over is the hardest part, but it’s also the most relieving part. I slowly accept the situation piece but piece but sometimes I just resist it and fight it. Those are moments that drive me crazy. I believe that’s because I’ve always been a person who got what they wanted I’ll admit it. I’ve always been spoiled not just by my parents, but by emotional attention received by him.

 

I’ve always been a bit of a selfish person, that’s the truth. I’ve always been a bit greedy and inconsiderate even from a young age. But for the first time in my life, this relationship truly made me selfless. This was my first love, and what I learned from this first love experience is that real love is selfless. I reflect back on the times where I put him first, never because I expected something in return, but because I love him. Even while breaking up I believe I was being selfless. He didn’t want to hurt me and wasn’t willing to break up with me until I did it. It wasn’t a healthy way for him to go on the relationship like that but I let him go. I knew he wasn’t happy in the relationship anymore. By keeping him around wasn't selfless. I knew I had to let him go because I wanted him to be happy even if that includes not being with me. Real love is selfless. Giving love feels really good, giving feels so empowering and feels better than receiving. In a way he taught me how to love and I’m thankful for that.

 

I would by lying if I said I’m not over analyzing his words, I think that’s what’s feeding my hope that’s keeping me from fully letting go. He told me he needed “time" several times. He told me he needed some space. He said he lost feelings because he felt the pressure to talk all the time while he away at college. But I need to get on with my life. This is my life, I should be the number one priority.

 

What hurts is reading the paragraph he sent me after I told him being friends hurts to much for me, which is why I cut him off, because I needed to heal. He told me how he was grateful for the relationship, how much I helped him find himself, how thankful he was for all the things I did for him and so on. It was bittersweet to read because we would always send each other paragraphs of texts professing our love and how grateful we were to have each other, this one felt like that, but it was different because it was a goodbye.

 

I just know this break up was needed. I lost myself along the way. I admit I started to become negative. I realize that I need to love myself before I can love him or anybody for that matter. My self esteem wasn’t where it should’ve been. My confidence deteriorated, I started to neglect my studies to see him. I was too focused on him and making sure he was loving me. I used him to reaffirm my self-worth. I should be the one that determines my worth and add value myself. I was dependent and making sure he was determining my worth, which was unfair for him. I understand where some of that pressure also came from now. I didn’t have trust in him and just the circumstances and this new found college life for the both of us didn’t sit well.

 

Right now I just know I need to mature and grow. I followed my gut before with him and it always worked out. I need to follow my gut for my own sake now. My gut is telling me to focus on myself right now, I feel it. My gut is telling me to mature and grow right now and be the best that I can be. It’s telling me to be happy and just find that light. It’s telling me to find and build my confidence, self-esteem, worth, value, and that love I need for myself. I need to love myself. To love myself is to make sure I’m happy and well. Right now my gut is telling me this is crucial time for me.

[sputnik123]

Hey 1278,

Many thanks for posting. Much of what you have said resonates with me.

I am sorry you are going through this, but I think you at least have acceptance that it has happened and a plan of how to cope.

You have come to the right place and I hope you continue to post your thoughts here.

Use this time for yourself, as ultimately, this is what matters most.

I fully agree that mornings post b/u's are brutal and soul destroying.

Stay strong and keep going, one day at a time.

[Jaded7]

Thanks for your post, I am struggling right now too and obsessing over the break up. How do I get out of my own head .

[DanZee]

I feel for you. My first relationship was very much like you described. It took me two years before I dated again, and even then it was a rebound relationship. She was nothing like my first girlfriend and I treated her like a FWB all the while knowing that she wanted something more. And then I just had a bunch of dating relationships that didn't lead anywhere, all the while thinking of my first girlfriend and trying to analyse what went wrong. I still think of her several decades later.

 

What I learnt from it was that I simply was not the kind of guy she was looking for. She wound up becoming a lawyer and marrying a lawyer. I wound up substitute teaching and was a freelancer in the hotel world for a decade, neither being high paying jobs. I didn't need to change or work on myself other than to get out there and date. And I found a girl who wanted me the way I was, who was on my level, and who had the same motivations and ambitions. I didn't need to act any different.

 

So the moral of the story is don't give up on dating. Take some time to grieve, but you probably need a rebound relationship just to move you along and distance you from that previous relationship. Don't go all in on that relationship because it may not last. But after that, you need to find that one person who wants you for being you. If you feel someone pushing away from you, let them go. Just keep looking for that guy that needs you in their life.

[Carus]

Beautifully written 1278*

 

Perfectly describes where I'm at right now...and yes, mornings are the hardest time for me too.

 

I just don't know how many more tears I have left in me...!

 

Carus*

[Frostyfox]

It will get better. You need to grieve. Then it will get better. One day it will be gone. Everyone takes a different amount of time, be gentle on yourself.