Ex-gf of three years moved away to school, dumped me, and now is ghosting me.

[spacetrip]

Where do I really begin? My ex (calling her M) and I were together since November 2014 until about mid-October 2017. She and I have had our ups and downs, but we have always tried to make things work. We have lived together at my parents house, her dads house, her moms house, our own apartment, and then back to her dads house. We would spend nearly every day together and she admits she is co-dependent and went to numerous CoDa meetings. Her childhood also had trauma with her dad and his temper tantrums. I can't deny I now know I am co-dependent too. She also told me she loved me about 2 months into dating (however, we knew each other since middle school). Another red flag is she dated another guy and then kinda dumped him for me.

 

M decides she wants to go to school up north 6 hours away even though she got into the same school as me to study feminism. We did in the back of both of our minds, and openly admit, that sometimes we think I am just living with her until she leaves and if she wasn't going to be going to school I'd have moved out by now (back to my parents house in the same town). She has always asked for space, but being both co-dependent we had hard time giving it to one another). We did not say that we would be breaking up if she was staying for school here, we just said I'd move out and give her space.

 

M goes to school in September of this year and I help her move, drive with her stuff in her dads truck, unload and bring it all into her new place 6 hours away and we hang out and I fly home. We miss each other dearly. Two weeks later her dad drives her car to M and he grabs his truck to drive back home. M decides it would be cute to surprise me since she has two more weeks until her semester starts... she drives 7 hours to see me and then flys home the weekend after.

 

We talk every night and miss each other dearly. She even begs for me to go to school there with her (I could not because I did not have proper requirements), but I did promise I'd finish school quicker than I planned so I could be with her. I visit her again mid-October and we have random fights as we hang out and she thinks it's best to break up this time. It hurts, but I understand, since I flew there and we got into multiple little arguments. We thought the time apart would make these little arguments not come up, but they still did. It's nothing in particular either, they just arise.

 

So now I am back at home and she is at school living in her new apartment, single. She is bi-sexual and has always wanted to be with another woman and told me she would get Tinder and look for a woman, and I didn't mind.. I actually let her sleep with another woman as we were together. I thought it was kinda exciting and hoped to join in one day as she openly thought it would be hot. Not once did she ever mention wanting to be with another guy, she even told me it grosses her out to be with another man. To this day I think she is trying to be with a woman and that is a huge thing she wants to truly experience. I understand if I told her NO that is not going to happen, but I was allowing it to happen and told her it's okay to explore.

 

So she is on Tinder and it actually does start to bother me. Then I tell her and block her. She writes a HUGE email to me saying that her love for me is reborn and wants to make things work, but I need to work on myself and give her space. I unblock her after two days and she becomes overly sexual with me after that, in ways I have never seen her act. She says she wants to do all this sexy stuff when I visit her next time (yes, as we are broken up). I buy a plane ticket to see her November 9th. Then she tells me she was talking to a guy on Tinder and I was really taken back. She told me just for friends because she is bored... she even texted me "the thought of being with another man grosses me out." M and this guy were gonna go hang out one night and he cancelled on her and she texted me saying "this mother er cancelled on me as I put makeup on... I wish I could drive down to see you..." Then two days later she tells me he snapchats her and she sent him a snapchat and he opened it twice to replay it and did not respond and she said "I'm butthurt i am definitely not gonna talk to him again, you know im not down for that." I already thought she stopped talking to him.

 

 

I want to be there for her and make things work like her email said, but how could I sit back and give her time and space and she tells me all this while leading me on? M tells me you know what this guy is a jerk and I am actually talking to a woman on Tinder and we are gonna go on a date Wednesday. On Sunday, Monday and Tuesday she texts me how much she loves me and can't wait to see me, lay on my chest, make love and cuddle on Thursday (when I fly out there). On the day of her date on Wednesday I tell her, "why are you doing all this? Dating others as you want to lead me on and you know my heart is for you." She still goes on the date despite the hurt it brings me and she knows. She gets back, sends me a nude photo of herself, and says she didnt have a good time. I say I can not go tomorrow to see you and she begs for me to come. Next day comes around and I keep saying no I am not going because you are dating others. A few hours later I cave in and say I will come and she tells me "no you are not welcome over, and I am texting other people (as in that guy)."

 

 

The next day, Friday, I go into her snapchat and saw she sent a message on Wednesday, as I had plane ticket to see her, which said "I am not trying to per say, but I probably would." She wrote that message to her only friend that she can seek advice from. My heart sunk. I called her out and then she said "its my body i can do what i want with it" and then blocked me. I then texted her elsewhere saying "I'm gonna ruin your life." and called her over 100 times from a private number so i could get through. She changed her number the following Tuesday. Yes, I lost my cool.

 

This past Saturday M sends me a message on Instagram saying how much she loves me and misses me, but when she visits for Thanksgiving she does not think she can see me. I tell her I did not think I'd ever see/hear from you again and she said how can that be when I love you so much and so does sucio (dog).... Then she says talking to you calmed me I'm going to bed (this was around 2 AM). I am confused as but happy she messaged me. Then today I asked if she loves me or is in love with me and she said "i did not open the line of communication again so we can talk about our relationship. i can't go back to having these discussions" i said wow you can't just tell me that... to her response " that will open a can of worms. lets leave it as that and you are demanding it from me and trying to make me feel guilty. goodbye." i say "i can't believe you, just let me know for the sake of me... how could you leave me hanging with that question" she says "i do not want to block you again please just stop....." and i say "it breaks my heart that you are talking to other people when you told me you have 0 interest in other guys. it breaks me heart you told him he's a jerk and you talked to him after. it breaks my heart what i read on snapchat as you tell me you want to lay on my chest, kiss me, and make love." her final response: "i am not going to talk to you anymore goodbye take care." there is just so much flip flopping. she was always honest about wanting another woman but never ever once said she wanted another guy. she even said the thought of another man grosses her out (less than a month ago). it just does not add up.

 

 

she flew out over thanksgiving break and flew home today. she has been posting pictures of her on her personal instagram account which she has NOT posted on since about a month after we gotten together. so now she is single, posting on her personal account showing a pic of her at a show all late. it is not really too much like her to want to be out late. when we were together she was tired as much of the time, low sex drive, painful periods, etc. now that she moved away a lot of those problems are seemingly going away. i am not sure if it is temporary or what. i sometimes wonder if she is bipolar? i think her wanting to be with a woman is also a huge thing, but she knows i was okay with it. the only reason i got mad the day she went out with that woman from tinder was because M was getting to go on dates as i sat at home loving her dearly and not feeling the same love reciprocated, yet she would text me things as if she did.

 

the fact she flew out here and visited her old friend and co-worker, posted pics with both of them, and did not call me shows her true character of how she feels to me now. i just wonder how she could go from earlier this month to wanting to lay on my chest, call me her best friend, say i'll always be her dogs dad, to blocking me and wanting no contact. i wonder if she is talking to others so quickly and liking them? it is unlike her to disappear on me for how needy she was always on me.

[Ziggy123]

Uhh she sounds quite confused about everything and she is putting you through a lot of heartache. Why are you letting her do that? Block her back so that when she decides to pop into your life next you don't be there for her. And move on to someone who is 100% sure they want to be with you. Relationships shouldn't be so stressful and confusing.

[spacetrip]

yeah she is definitely confused all of a sudden. it just seems out of no where all of this confusion. today she said she is not comfortable speaking to me but earlier this month everything was fine and dandy until i stood up for myself and said it's not right to date others while leading me on. even though she blocked me and everything i feel like one day she is going to want to come back.

[lostandhurt]

She is a total mess.

 

Go NC on her and don't look back. She is dragging you into her mess and will ruin your life.

 

If she never contacts you again she will be doing you a huge favor.

 

Time to finish healing and get your life going in the direction you want.

 

Lost

[MissCanuck]

She is a complete mess and is going to hurt you a lot more if you stick around.

 

You deserve better than this, OP.

[alisontranquil]

OP - this is NOT an example of a nice girl.

This is not an emotionally stable girl, either. (PLEASE don't romanticize that and try to "help" her. Everyone one that's a NORMAL person's excuse to try and make somebody change - they can't!)

 

I want you to look at yourself today and ask - would you be capable of treating a partner like this? I'm guessing not. So - what makes it okay for HER to treat you like this, essentially use you, and bring you on an emotional roller-coaster?

One thing I've learnt is that there aren't good/bad people necessarily, but there are some people with BAD morals.. She is one of them, relish in the fact you're not. You've done all you can do. If she returned, she would do the same. If it helps, I ask myself everyday how someone can love you one second and not the next, but it's not a question that can be answered. Some individuals are just formed that way, and I feel sorry for them. I am so lucky I am capable of compassion. Aren't you?

 

She is a selfish coward and you love her. And that's okay! On the surface there were amazing times but she's not the person you thought she was at the beginning. Let her go off and enjoy her sad life playing the act of the tortured, confused young soul. Go to the gym, hang out with your friends, cry, scream, watch good breakup films and come to places like this and vent. But do not contact her. It will delay your INEVITABLE healing process.

 

It will also delay the inevitable fact that soon enough you will find somebody worthy of you that won't treat you in such a despicable and callous manner. You won't have intervals like this many times in your life to be fully alone in a romantic respect, so take full advantage. You will have days where you are okay and days where you feel as bad as the first day, but that's totally normally. Ride the waves until they are calm.

 

All the best, you will be better for this, i promise x

[spacetrip]

you are all right she is a complete mess and it is quite evident to many of you just from my short post. honestly, i wish her input could be added to this just to be fair. obviously this is one sided, but this is where we are at right now. she would/is not post on forums about this situation because quite frankly it seems like she is doing better. i just wonder did i make her worse off and was she lying to me in all the notes she wrote to me saying how much better of a person she is because of me. she claims she has grown so much from me. i have grown from her as well, but i feel as if she dumped her emotional baggage on me and ran. the thought that someone as seemingly sweet as her would use me does not compute in my brain. she is such an empath to situations all of the time and it is weird how she is handling this.

 

our last contact was yesterday. i told her i was in a car accident and she just said "i am praying for your safety and glad youre okay, i will mail you your keys." then i told her "im not okay you have traumatized me more than anyone. i am having anxiety attacks because of this, etc etc.. i wish you would have given me closure when you were in town." to which she replied, "i have given you enough i dont owe you anything else. i am not comfortable speaking to you. i am sorry youre having a hard time take care. there is nothing more to say we have said everything and speak in circles. goodbye." *blocked*

 

she is 27 years old and i have ALWAYS been there for her. she is an emotional roller coaster, you are right, and i did STICK through it all. i never abandoned her. she ing abandons me after i call her out on her BS. it's like she dragged me along for the ride until she had someone else messaging her and keeping her company (i am not 100% sure this is the case but i truly believe so. i highly doubt she would move away and have no friends and leave me, but once tinder started working for her she got less and less needy on me).

 

i have to admit i do have my problems too and i can be lazy and not pay a lot of attention to certain things, but i have compassion. yes, i overreacted in some scenarios such as calling her over 100 times but it led up to this situation of her just leaving me hanging once i find the truth.

 

If it helps, I ask myself everyday how someone can love you one second and not the next, but it's not a question that can be answered.

i honestly did not know it was possible until this month. i literally have pics of her saying "youre my best friend in the whole wide universe" and 3 days later i'm blocked. it does not add up, no one stable could do that. she also has like 2 friends and one is just a recent coworker and the other is a coworker who is not a good influence. no childhood friends or anything.

 

SHE IS A SELFISH COWARD. you are right. you are also right that i love her, a lot. more than she loves me and that is a fact.

 

it is weird that she is so spiritual, practices positive affirmations, enjoys cleaning crystals, sage and things along those lines.

 

i love you all for replying. i would appreciate more insight from others as it helps validate the way i am feeling.

[lostandhurt]

Just keep re-reading your own words. You need to remind yourself of the red flags you ignored because you loved her.

 

Don't be fooled by the loving nature you saw because in her case it always comes with the opposite side. She is clearly not the one for you or anyone else for that matter.

 

Time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and get started on growing and learning from all this. What happened is in the past so stop reliving it and start doing something about the faults you have that you would like to improve.

 

No more contact with her, no more looking at pictures or posts or texts or emails from her or of her. Now is the time for you to heal and work on yourself so one day when you meet someone special you will be in a great place for success.

 

Lost

[alisontranquil]

spacetrip - no, you did not have anything to do with her decision. People like her will never change or be happy with themselves truly. She will jump for guy to guy treating them the exact same way as she treated you - lifting you up, praising, then discarding. it's a cycle of a narcissist, not a normal person.

 

Of course you're not perfect!! None of us are. We all get angry, upset. In regards to the 100 phones calls thing, it sounds like she drove you to that. Someone that confuses you and emotionally tortures you in such a vile way brings out a crazy, undignified side of us that we've never seen before, but it's crucial you don't blame yourself.

 

Keep getting angry. Cry. Ride the waves as I said..I would suggest talking to a doctor/counselor about spotting unhealthy relationships/toxic people in the future

 

all the best, we're all with you