Second Opinion... who to choose?

[LonelyJedi]

Hello all -

 

I went through a very rough break-up at the beginning of this year. My 5.5yr relationship/engagement ended and she moved on within less than two months. I have been in NC since that day and my healing has greatly progressed. With the help of this forum, counseling and NC I can say I no longer feel any feelings towards my ex-fiance.

Since that time, I have been on several dates with women. Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid, etc.

Each having mixed results... some girls were too crazy, I didn't like them, they didn't like me, etc.

 

Some Background

I have this friend, K. I have known her for 7yrs and we have always liked each other since day one. Even when we were in long-term relationships we thought about each other and wondered what it would be like to be together. Once I broke up with my ex-fiance, I tried chasing after her. She was unavailable at that time because she was starting to see someone.

 

When she got into a relationship with her new boyfriend, he started treating her poorly. He would cancel on her, put her low on his priority list, not see her as much, etc. K would always text me and complain to me about her boyfriend. I refused to be her "backup" so I just told her to leave the relationship if she was unhappy. Months later they finally broke up. Once it happened, she texted me asking me to hangout with her. I came over, we talked for a bit. I asked her what OUR plan was now... are we going to start dating now?

She has consistently told me over the years that she has always really liked me and wished things worked out for us but it was always "bad timing". She responded to me by saying that she hops from relationship to relationship, doesn't know what she wants and wants to "get closer again and go from there".... I agreed. After her getting out of a 4yr relationship, she got into a new one 4 months later... then broke up after two months, then 5 months later got into another one. Now she is single, so I thought what she had told me was valid.

 

Every time I asked her to hangout, she said she was always busy with work, seeing friends, etc. We did manage to hangout a couple of times, but it wasn't for very long (like we used to years ago).

So I figured that she was playing games and didn't really want a relationship with me, so I started talking to other girls. Then, anytime K saw pictures of me hanging out with other potential girls, she would always comment and get jealous about them. I ignored her comments, since I figured she had her chance.

 

After getting frustrated with the dating apps... I picked up a part-time, seasonal position at the old Best Buy store I used to work at. I did this in hopes of meeting someone and getting some extra cash. As fate may have it, another employee came back for the holiday as well, M. We started talking and turns out that she had a huge crush on me when I worked there back in college. I was with my ex-finance at the time, so she didn't make a move. We went on a couple dates and it went well, however, I never got a kiss.

 

I later found out that she is 28 years old (4yrs older than me), has NEVER had a boyfriend, never kissed, never had sex, never dated, etc. She is a virgin in ALL aspects. This fact makes me nervous. Also, some of her family members & friends work at the same Best Buy that we are at. Every time I go into work, I constantly feel that I am being watched.... they hardly speak to me anymore. They are very overprotective of her, I literally have done nothing. Other than her lack of experience & affection, she is a very nice girl. She cooks, cleans, is responsible, pretty, etc.

 

Here's a quick summary:

 

M

- 4yrs older

- Responsible

- Works for brother's company

- Did not graduate college

- Cooks/Cleans

- Pretty

- Nerdy

- Lives at home with parents

- Barely Know that well

- Extremely overprotective family/friends

 

K

- Same age

- Independent

- Graduated college

- Good job (nurse)

- Lives alone in apartment

- Cleans

- Stunning

- Nerdy

- Known for 7yrs

 

This is where things get complicated...

 

Fool Me Once, Shame on You

At the beginning of this month, it was K's birthday. She is now the same age as me. She invited me to come to this bar with her and her friends to have a couple drinks. I do not like drinking or going to bars. But, I ultimately decided to go because despite everything that she put me through, it is still her birthday and I should at least make an appearance to wish her a happy birthday, then leave. I showed up and I talked with her and her friends. I planned on leaving a couple hours in, but I didn't. K began having a couple drinks and she began dancing with her and her sisters. K kept grabbing me to dance with her, I played along. As the night progressed, her dancing became more provocative. I thought this was her way of discouraging some of the other "creeper" guys prowling the dance floor. She then turned around and started making out with me. I was shocked at first, but then when she did it more times throughout the night... I thought that our moment of being together had finally come. We were both single, over our ex's, timing was now right, etc.

 

Since I didn't drink that night, I offered to drive her & her sister home. K said she just wanted me to drive her home, so I agreed. We got in my car, she made out with me again. When I arrived at her apartment, I walked her to her room and we began making out and then we had sex several times during the night. I stayed overnight, we kissed goodbye and I left her apartment to go back to my house. I was very happy that day. She went to a convention that day, so I wasn't able to talk to her too much.

 

Days later, I told her that I had Friday off due to a company holiday and asked if she wanted to hangout. She said that she was working that Friday and her only day off was the day before (Thursday). She's a nurse, works a lot of long, night time shifts. She then told me that she didn't want to date right now, since she is too busy to see someone. Working, repairing her car, helping family, etc. She said she promised one of her friends that she'd go out with her to a bar that Thursday night. Needless to say, I was a little pissed.

 

 

Fool Me Twice, Shame on Me

Thursday night rolls around and I was just relaxing at home. I went to bed and I woke up at 2am (Friday now) to go to the bathroom. I saw she texted me asking if I was up. I told her that I was briefly and asked what she wanted. She said she wanted to come over and hangout. I told her that I had the day off, so sure. She came over, we watched some Netflix... then we had sex again. It was literally a repeat of what we did last weekend. When we were done, I offered for her to stay the night at my house since it was 5am. She said she likes sleeping in her own bed so she left my house and went home. I looked at myself in the mirror, ashamed. Thinking that I was just used as a booty call. I have not really spoken to her since then, other than a couple occasional text messages and SnapChats. I see on FaceBook that she is always going out to bars, drinking, etc. Not my lifestyle. She also has gotten several tattoos in the last few months, I have no tattoos.

All of my friends are saying that she only wanted me just for sex, nothing more.

 

 

No Affection/Experience

Meanwhile, M has not shown me any affection other than cuddling or hugging. She said that she is "nervous" to kiss me or do anything else because she is afraid she won't be good at it. I keep assuring her that she will be fine... but she still doesn't. We have gone on several dates and she has not kissed me once. According to M, we are "together" now.

 

 

So - my feelings are at an impasse. I have always wanted K for years, but she is maybe not the person I thought she was? Some of my friends say that K has a reputation of being a sl*t, since she has a tendency to be very flirty. But everyone knows that she has liked me the most and flirted with me the most.

Meanwhile, M is a good "wife-material" choice but her age, lack of experience & affection is what is making me not happy. She is also a bit clingy.

 

 

Your guys thoughts?

 

Thank you!

[DanZee]

Yeah, you're not going to get what you want for either of these girls. The virgin will probably meet some guy and give it up on the first date, the other girl just wants a Friend with Benefits. You're basically in the extended friendzone. If you want a real relationship you have to keep looking.

[Clio]

You are not that into M and K turned out to be a player. Hence, neither of these girls are right for you. You need to keep looking. P.S. M being 4 years is not really an age difference yet it appears that you can't handle the woman being older. Imo, it's the lack of intimacy and being clingy and so sheltered by her family that are the real causes for concern.