My Girlfriend and I are on a break. Looking for unbiased opinions.

[busstopbandit]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year now. We met shortly after I moved to the current city I'm living in, and we had an immediate connection. For the first few months of our relationship, we saw each other several times a week, or whenever time permitted. She was attending the local university, and I was working with a landscaping company, so our schedules didn't always mesh, but we always found time for each other. Our relationship quickly grew into a deep, deep love, something I had never felt with any of my previous partners, and she expressed the same feelings. When we met, she was in the middle of a major change at college, and quickly realized that she could not keep attending the university she was enrolled with, because they did not offer the necessary classes for the degree she wanted. She tried to enroll with the local community college in our town, but she wouldn't have been able to afford the cost of living with her current job, and a full time school schedule. Unfortunately, I was in no position to offer financial help at the time, so she decided to move back in with her parents in her home town (about 1.5 hrs away) and continue her education there.

 

We had both previously been in long distance relationships, and knew all about the trials, and tribulations that came with them. But we loved each other very much, and didn't want to lose what we had worked so hard to achieve. At first things, were difficult as they always are, but we we're able to find a pattern that worked for us, and we would see each other 2-3 times a month, usually on weekends. A few weeks ago, we began talking about moving in together. She told me how difficult the distance has been on her, and how badly she wanted to get out of her parents house, and move back to where I was living. I was thrilled with the idea, because the distance was getting the better of me too, and since we we're coming up on our one year anniversary, we decided it was the next natural step for us, and something we both wanted. We made plans for her to finish out the school year, and work as much as possible to save up some money for the move, college, rent, etc. Our goal was to be in our place at the beginning of July.

 

However, things have changed pretty drastically since a few weeks ago, and not for the better. A little over two weeks ago, by girlfriend went to the doctors complaining about severe menstrual cramps, and found out she had a miscarriage. I've been through a miscarriage with a previous partner, and in the end, it ended up destroying our relationship. A miscarriage is never an easy thing to deal with, but my girlfriend took it very poorly. We had in the past, talked about having kids, but both agreed that it wasn't something we would want for at least a few years. I guess the miscarriage ended up waking up a deep need in my girlfriend to want to have kids, and have kids with me, and the fact that neither of us even knew she was pregnant made it all the worse. During the first week after she received the news, we were both pretty emotional, but realized there was nothing we could have done to prevent this. As unfortunate as it is, sometimes these things just happen. It's no one's fault, but the pain, and guilt is very real.

 

After the first week passed things went back to semi-normal, or at least as much as they could be. We continued to talk about the miscarriage, and although it was still very fresh in our minds, it wasn't the topic of every conversation. These things can only truly be healed with the passing of a lot of time, and that was becoming very clear. But, we we're both looking forward to seeing each other for when I came down to her family's Thanksgiving dinner. But all of that changed when I received a call from her this last Sunday.

 

In tears she began telling me that she wasn't sure if she could stay with me, because of all the emotions she was processing. She felt that I deserved to be with someone in a better mental state, and that it was unfair of her to keep me in the relationship when she was unsure of what she wanted. I was in absolute shock, especially after all of our conversations about how we would move forward no matter what, and that we would get through this awful thing together, no matter how long it took. I know that as a guy, I can never truly understand what it's like to lose a unborn child, but this whole ordeal had taken a heavy toll on me as well. I needed her, as much as I felt she needed me. She then told that these weren't new emotions, that she had been thinking about ending things for several weeks, before the miscarriage happened. When I asked her to elaborate, she told that there may be someone else she had feelings for, a co-worker. She continued by saying that she brought up moving in together as a way to try and "override" these feelings, but I guess it didn't work very well, because she told me that she didn't know if moving in together was something she actually wanted.

 

This hurt deep, but I didn't want to lose her, and I know she still loves me very much, regardless if there was/is someone she might have/had feelings for. So, I proposed that instead of ending our relationship, that we take a break. She hastily agreed, and said that was a better option, because she didn't want to leave the relationship, but needed time and space to "figure things out." We agreed that during our time apart, we wouldn't see other people, and that I would not actively attempt to talk to her, but she would frequently check in with me. After we agreed to the terms, we told each other 'I love you' and hung up. After processing what had happened, I texted her and firmly told her that I would wait as long as was needed, but I would not do so if there was any part of her that wanted to be with this other guy (her co-worker). A few hours later after she got off work, she texted me back saying that she wanted to stay with me, and that she did not want to be with anyone else, but just needed time, and space. All I could do was accept that, and hope that was indeed the truth. Although this is the last thing I want to be going through right now, I'm trying to give her what she wanted. Or needs.

 

Yesterday (Monday) was the first official day of our break, and I was an absolute mess. I wanted so badly to reach out, and just remind her how much I love her, but I stayed strong, and basically avoided my phone like the plague. Somehow I got through the day, just by distracting myself as much as I could. Thank God, I was working. As you might imagine I didn't sleep very well last night, but I'm thankful I didn't because at around midnight I received a text from my girlfriend. She told that she had a rough day, and was missing me so much more than she thought she would. She told me how appreciative she was of agreeing to a break, and giving her time, told me she was so sorry about everything, and that she loved me. Of course I texted her back immediately, and told her that I understood, that I was missing her too, and to please call or text whenever she wanted, that I would be there no matter what.

 

The truth is though I'm so scared. This is completely new territory to me, as I've never been on a break with some one. I understand the rules that we laid out, but I feel so helpless. I know that she is not in a good place, mentally, emotionally, or otherwise and I can't even send her a good morning, or good night text. In addition, she's going to be around her co-worker almost everyday, and although I know she wouldn't do anything because we have both been cheated on in the past, and know that pain that comes with that, I cannot stop thinking about the old adage of "a shoulder to cry on, becomes a d*ck to ride on." A part of me wants to reach out to her in a few days (if I don't hear from here before then) to check up on her, even though I'm not supposed to. Another part of me wants to drive down, and meet her in person, but I honestly don't know how well that would work, if at all.

 

I'm just so lost right now, and could really use some advice. If there's anybody out there who has maybe been in a similar position and is willing to offer any words of wisdom, or practical advice I would be immensely appreciative. Thank you.

[MissCanuck]

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. It's a difficult time for you indeed.

 

I would have been willing to concede that her emotions are all over the place due to the miscarriage and that is what is primarily driving this break. However, given her confession that she's interested in a co-worker, it's much more complicated. It sounds to me like that has been playing on her mind for a while and what is really throwing her into confusion, especially considering she only discovered she's miscarried two weeks ago. You said you noticed changes in her several weeks ago, though - can you elaborate? What did you notice?

[Juha]

Unfortunately nothing yo can do, all this is on your girlfriend. Miscarriage is very tough and she also has been losing interest in you and is now interested in

other guys. you are now on break which is never a good thing, you don't deserve this treatment.

 

I would tell her that you are broken up, you are moving forward with your life without her, you are not waiting around for her.

 

Tell her you want to be with her but you are not waiting around for her and if she changes her mind to get in touch.

then wish her the best and never contact her again...

 

If she does get in contact if it's not to discuss getting back together do not bother with her.

[busstopbandit]

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. It's a difficult time for you indeed.

 

I would have been willing to concede that her emotions are all over the place due to the miscarriage and that is what is primarily driving this break. However, given her confession that she's interested in a co-worker, it's much more complicated. It sounds to me like that has been playing on her mind for a while and what is really throwing her into confusion, especially considering she only discovered she's miscarried two weeks ago. You said you noticed changes in her several weeks ago, though - can you elaborate? What did you notice?

 

That's the thing, I didn't notice anything different. Like I said in the original post, I've been cheated on before, and I know all the warning signs of someone losing interest/expressing interest in someone else, and none of them were present. This attraction to her co-worker completely threw me for a loop, because she's hardly ever mentioned him. In fact things between us were going really well (or so I thought) ever since we decided to move in together. I couldn't have seen ANY of this coming, it's been so far out in left field.

[fabact]

Miscarriage is a really tough thing. The coworker is a distraction and it wouldn't last even if she did go with him she has no time to process u and her and the past year of dating. While I agree a break is never great, it sometimes defines a relationship. Either you'll come back together, or you won't. I would suggest processing the miscarriage more than anything else. I think that's at the root of all this. It was a catalyst to define where u are going. If you can talk about that and somehow unpack that issue... A woman wants to know her partner grieves too during a miscarriage, not so much a sense of relief (not saying that's how you were necessarily). All you can do is wait it out a bit and don't be afraid to go into the deeper topics of the relationship.