relationship affecting family life, sorry long but please advice would be appreciated

[mia99]

This is a complicated situation to explain so I will start from the begining but keep it as short as possible

 

Around 2 and a half years ago, in the summer before i began uni, I met a guy in my hometown, he was in my sisters (shes a few years older than me, as is he) year in high school. We got on straight away, however when my sister found out she asked me not to see him as in high school (which was 3-4 years ago for them at that time, so now nearer 6 years ago), he used to fancy her. They never spoke much or went out, so nothing ever happened between them.

 

I didn't see him, but at the christmas i came back from uni, he contacted me again and we went on a few dates. we kept in touch but didn't see eachother due to distance. in the summer, i talked to my sister about it and explained there are feeelings there on both sides and we want to see eachother. she wasn't happy for a while bt evenutally sai she was okay with it. A few weeks later, after id been seeing him quite freqenutly she changed her mind and wasn't happy about it again.

 

I continued to see him but her reactions got progressively worse to the point where she was threatening suicide over it. I told my parents everything and we all tried to speak to her and ask her to talk to someone about it but she insisted she isn't the one with the problem, 'its not her fault she has a of a sister etc'.. things went up and down but i continuted to see him, and for most of the time me and her were okay. when I was back at uni, if she realised he was visting me that weekend or something like that she would send a lot of abusive messgaes calling me a etc, and continusly ring me untill i spoke to her.

 

This has continued on and off but has gradually got better over time. however, she was at uni doing further studies during this, and in the summer just gone she was due to sit her finals, but didnt as she said she was depressed and could't concentreate because of all this.

 

Its taken a huge toll on my parents too and i know theyve had a huge amount of sleepless nights over it. my dad suffered a stroke a few years back, all be it thankfully a minor one and he is at pretty mcuh full health now, but i know stress can increase the risk of these things recurring.

 

my sister has now also starting dating an older guy, which my parents took hard also. I feel she is doing this to prove a point as she ofteen posts things on social media suchas older men are better etc... she also often used to post things on facebook insulitng me and the guy I am seeing. When we have tried to undeerstand why this is bothering her so much she has said things such as it makes her look bad to her old high school freiinds, and its not fair that i get more attnestion when she is the 'prettier and more sprty one'

 

The relationship betwen my sister and parents is not very good and I blame myself for a lot of it.

 

Sometimes when I think about all this I can barely handle the guilt to think i've messed up my family so much and how selfish I have been as I could have of course not dated him. I am competely conflicted what to do now, e and the guy are serious and there is a possibilty of a future but whenever I think about I just can barely believe what I am doing.

[reinventmyself]

"he used to fancy her" But they didn't date and never spoke?

 

There is always something to be said about loyalty. Especially where family is concerned. But seeing she was ok with at some point and then kept changing the goal posts, then her say so in the matter no longer counts.

She had the opportunity to call it early on and didn't. Too little, too late. Not fair to you or the guy.

 

You sisters issues are just a symptom of something much larger going on. Your parents need to be taking these things seriously, yet they do not.

You can not live your life tippy toeing around your family who chooses to not take care of themselves and hold you to blame for everything that doesn't go well.

 

You are not responsible for your sisters untreated emotional instability or your parents health issues.

[DanZee]

I think your sister is showing signs of a severe mental illness. Normal people just don't do the things she's doing especially at her age. She is trying to exert control over you and her parents. In your case, she will do anything to break you up with your boyfriend, especially inflicting terrible guilt on you. I agree with reinventmyself that it's too bad your parents didn't do something about the situation when she was still in high school. By now it's become a way of life with her. She may have even forgotten why she is even doing this to you.

 

You have to shake this feeling of guilt. You did nothing. Your sister is the one that is doing it to herself. All you can do is urge her to seek help.