Why would they come back?

[simon_uk]

If they were feeling neglected and said I love you, I will always love you but I am not in love with you. Then why would they come back? I am not pinning my hopes on this happening but after 4 weeks would they not just let it go? I have had a lot of advice from people on this site and a lot of people say NC is the way to go and if you really want her back you have to just move on and not contact her. But my question is. Why would she want to come back? I have got lots of good qualities and I am a genuinely good guy, she even said to me after we split, your heart is in the right place, you just need a bit of work. But would this be worth it?

 

Simon

[RayKay]

Unfortunately I cannot read your ex's mind.

 

The bad news is that most of the time they DON'T come back. And the few times they DO, most of the time it does not work out once again.

 

But there are exceptions of course.

 

I am not a huge advocate of NC, unless necessary as you are doing all the pleading/begging, or there is abuse, or the ex is tormenting you emotionally, or something. So for some people it is necessary for healing, though I think a lot of people also try and use it to "win" back the ex, which I am not sure is a good thing as then I am not sure they come back for the right reasons.

 

It comes down to how she feels, there are things that can increase her desire to come back, and there are things that can decrease it....but in the end she does have to WANT to. And most often the case is the dumper has had time to think about breaking up before you ever even know of it, and so heals/moves on faster, or at least forces themselves to move on. If she comes back, "bonus", but don't focus on it (and often if they do want to come back, you don't want them back anymore anyway).

Don't get caught up in the cycle so many seem to be in here, where the ex comes back, leaves, comes back, playing mind games and causing more emotional pain.

 

So in summary, you can't worry about them whether you are in contact or not. You really need to focus on YOURSELF and moving on with YOUR life and not think about the ex anymore. It takes time, but having faith in the healing process and that things will work out for the best truly improve things. You will get to the point where you do have an epiphany and are more set to move on...it might not happen today, or next week, or even next couple months, but it will happen in time.

 

Be you, and if you want to change things, change for YOU, not for her. Otherwise it is not true change. And focus on YOU again, not her or her return.

[chai714]

RayKay wrote

So in summary, you can't worry about them whether you are in contact or not. You really need to focus on YOURSELF and moving on with YOUR life and not think about the ex anymore. It takes time, but having faith in the healing process and that things will work out for the best truly improve things. You will get to the point where you do have an epiphany and are more set to move on...it might not happen today, or next week, or even next couple months, but it will happen in time.

 

In your case I would think NC would be best right now. I mostly agree with RayKay, except for the fact that it's impossible to NOT think about your ex anymore, because these thoughts occur naturally. You can do things to preoccupy yourself meanwhile. I found reading books to be a great mental escape from the situation I was dealt, and you might too. It's beneficial to you as well. Try stopping in the self-help section of your local bookstore or check out link removed for some really good books.

 

In time, you will think of her less. I, like RayKay, don't advocate NC forever, but I am a strong advocate when a) a breakup is fresh and b) you're still emotional about seeing/talking to her.

[RayKay]

Chai - I don't disagree its impossible NOT to think about your ex......you should know that from my past...lol.

 

But, I do think it is possible to "force" yourself to stop obsessing (not easy, and takes a lot of work...but possible!).

[Royltnxile]

Simon,

 

As you know, I can relate to the postition you are in. You have to convince yourself of one thing immediately.

 

There is nothing you can do right now to change her mind. As much as that hurts, you have no control over her emotions and decisions. The best thing you can do is try and focus on other things and let things lie where they are. The more you try and do things to get her back, the more you will most likely push her away. If it's meant to be, there will be more scenes to be played out in time. Pushing her would be the wrong thing to do. Don't chase her. Give her the gift of missing you.

 

You've told me she has issues. So does mine. I've come to realize, with alot of help from posts on these boards, that I can't change her issues with herself. Only she can address those issues and decide to do something about them. Yes, we feel like victims, and we are. However, there is nothing we can do.

 

When dealing with women with issues, we the good men are at the mercy of the emotionally careless and irresponsible.

 

Get into your own interests and hang with your friends. Meet new people. Date others. Get laid. Obsessing over our ex's is no good for us. We are better than that. There are plenty of good women out there, just a matter of connecting with them.

[simon_uk]

yeah I know you are right Roy and I appreciate your advice. I am just an hopeless romantic at heart and want to win her back in grand style but like you say hounding her will push her away. I know that I have been ther ein a previous relationship. Repeat viewing of Swingers is a must i think. Just wish I could stop obsessing! Cheers

[Royltnxile]

Repeat viewing of Swingers will be very soothing! I own and love that movie!

 

I'm a big romantic thinker too Simon. I keep thinking that if she really has changed her mind and cares it will get the best of her and she will show up some evening or night on my doorstep with tears in her eyes, throw her arms around me and tell me she loves me and she can't live without me...we then live happily ever after!

 

I've seen way to many movies!

 

Never happen. Not in the real world.

[fantasia2004]

Repeat viewing of Swingers will be very soothing! I own and love that movie!

 

I'm a big romantic thinker too Simon. I keep thinking that if she really has changed her mind and cares it will get the best of her and she will show up some evening or night on my doorstep with tears in her eyes, throw her arms around me and tell me she loves me and she can't live without me...we then live happily ever after!

 

I've seen way to many movies!

 

Never happen. Not in the real world.

 

 

I second that

[simon_uk]

Fantasia why do you second that? In your PM you told me to have hope? I dont understand?