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Mentally turned physically abusive relationship


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I was in a relationship with a guy I had known for almost a decade. Very casual friendship at first and didn't get to know each other better until a few years later. Casually hooked up but both had baggage from past relationships we weren't letting go of. We began dating other people and went our separate ways for a couple years and reconnected 4 years ago. It was very intense quickly. And some red flags I chose to sweep under the rug and must have hoped that things would improve, wanting things to work out. To everyone around him, family, friends, co workers, everyone would always say what a nice amazing sweet guy he was. So that made things even more blurry for me. He would wait on me hand and foot. But would pick these crazy arguments with me. That I thought stemmed from drinking/insecurities but as time went on, the arguments excised with or without the involvement of alcohol. I broke up with him countless times over the 4 years, would hope it would be a wake up call and he would get his together. He would always make these promises of bettering himself and sometimes would show it and we would get back together. But it became a cycle. I don't think I realized the extent of how emotionally and mentally abusive he was until more recently. I feel like I was manipulated and brainwashed. He would have these psychotic feeling angry bursts and be super disrespectful, not let me talk, very erratic and just..... crazy. I feel like I blacked out half the time he was behaving that way as some sort of coping mechanism I wasn't even aware of. And details and recollection of his behavior afterwards always felt fuzzy and confusing. And still does. He would take me on these big trips, buy and do all these nice things for me. A lot of the time it felt suffocating and I would tell him to back off and not be so intense. But I thought it was just his way of being nice. He would tell me a lot of what seemed sweet and caring and loving things on the opposite side of the spectrum.


I thought when he stopped drinking for a while things would get better but they never fully did. The underlying issues were still there and he wasn't getting the help he needed, which until recently I was unaware he needs to be in an abuser program. He would lie and elaborate a lot as well. And everything somehow came back to me being blamed for his lies or actions or bad behavior. It created this paranoia and major lack of trust within me. Which constantly caused me to be even more unhappy with him ontop of his issues. I was always the one breaking up with him, we would never completely cut of contact and we'd always still talk or see each other and eventually get back together. This past summer something switched in him. He was always overly eager in everything regarding me - always wanted me to move in with him. But I always had my own place and lived alone, the whole time we dated. I had to move out of my place this summer and wasn't sure where I was going to go at first. His personality around that time took a drastic spin. We were broken up but still talking. He swore up and down he wasn't seeing other people, even though I admitted I had and we both had in the past. When I asked if I could temporarily stay with him if I couldn't find a place, he went from the usual "just date me again and move in with me" to "I'm not living with my ex girlfriend that's insane". I ended up finding a new place, we started hooking up again but he became even more disrespectful then before. Calling me degrading names, threatening to be violent, trying to convince me I was BI polar and that his therapist said I was bi polar too. Telling me I needed help and to work on myself. I would be sobbing in front of him and he could care less about causing me emotional pain.


That kind of behavior went on for about a month and a half. He ended up getting physically violent with me, after getting disrespectful, he wouldn't allow me to leave his house, he took my phone, I tried to call 911 from his phone and he took that. I had to run to his neighbors for help. I tried explaining to his mom what happened and she basically tried to blame me too and said we just needed time apart, were like oil and water and that she just "doesn't want any violence attached to his name". Basically asking me not to report him. But I did. He never reached out to apologize, never heard a peep out of him or his mom and two days later he was arrested. She bailed him out in under 8 hours. We went to court and he just has to go to anger management. That was a month and a half ago. I never heard from him, I saw recently he unblocked me from Facebook. I've had to take time off of work, I've lost a lot of weight. I've realized that the OCD I developed the last few years most likely came from him making me question my own sanity and reality. I feel very reduced and just a shell of a person now. No one seems to understand the psychological damage he's done to me. It feels like they just think ok he hurt you, you broke up now just move on. Sounds great but I can barely make it a day without crying.

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Thank you for reaching out to people by typing all this. i was in an abusive relationship myself and it does make you feel crazy. The mother caring more about his record than you speaks volumes. Sounds like my ex inlaws. A big bunch of enablers. I highly recommend calling the local abuse hotline that the women's shelter has - ask about free counseling for abuse survivors. It will help give you strength. and BLOCK HIM on facebook so he can't read anything you post nor see your picture.

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Thank you - I am trying emdr therapy soon. I definitely have a ways to go with healing myself. I find it hard not to think about how easy he has gotten off and keeps getting off. I thought about filing a civil suit against him but I don't want to back track my life. He's very manipulative and seems to get away with everything between his personality and enabling, rich family.

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