When can you lie and what does it mean?

[PICCOLLO]

Was chatting to my girlfriend of six months the other day and the subject of online dating came up. I asked if she'd ever done online dating and she said no. I then mentioned a friend thought he'd seen her on a site a year ago. (Before we got together) She said he must have been mistaken.

 

Later that night she mentioned in passing that she had in fact tried online dating several times.

 

I spoke to a couple of friends about relationships and lying and most considered white lies or lies with no victims okay. What are people's thoughts on this? Are certain lies indicative of more sinister behaviour?

 

(For the record, I'm smitten with my other half but I've always been a big fan of telling the truth in relationships, regardless of it being a big or small thing)

[pippy longstocking]

Was the tone about online dating very negative when you had this conversation ? She might have been embarrassed or something . She has then thought about it and decided to come clean and tell you .

 

So I don't see it as anything really .

 

These questions are always very relative to that individual ..we all cope with things differently and have varying lines of what we consider have been crossed .

[nutbrownhare]

It sounds like she'd tried several times, got nowhere and gave up. I guess her view is that if she wasn't actually dating, she wasn't doing "online dating" so it wasn't necessarily a lie - and she DID eventually come clean about giving it a go. It's not at all unknown for people to have inactive profiles on dating sites.

 

I wouldn't give this a second thought.

[nutbrownhare]

For the record, I'm smitten with my other half but I've always been a big fan of telling the truth in relationships, regardless of it being a big or small thing

 

Have you told her you're on this website, discussing her with a bunch of total strangers? Does she know that you've discussed relationships and lying with your friends? If not, how would you feel if she found out?

[PICCOLLO]

Have you told her you're on this website, discussing her with a bunch of total strangers? Does she know that you've discussed relationships and lying with your friends? If not, how would you feel if she found out?

 

 

So does this mean you're an advocate for white lies?

 

I discussed it with my friends in non-specific fashion.

 

If she asked me, I would tell her the truth. But I can see your point.

[PICCOLLO]

Was the tone about online dating very negative when you had this conversation ? She might have been embarrassed or something . She has then thought about it and decided to come clean and tell you .

 

So I don't see it as anything really .

 

These questions are always very relative to that individual ..we all cope with things differently and have varying lines of what we consider have been crossed .

 

 

It wasn't negative but she was probably embarrassed, yes. I'm not losing any sleep over it but it has provoked thought on what 'lies' people consider okay in relationships.

[nutbrownhare]

So does this mean you're an advocate for white lies?

 

That is not what I meant at all. It's just that how far you take the truth is a very personal, situation-specific thing. I'm guessing that you wouldn't volunteer the information about using this site, and your particular query, unless she asked you. Is that lying by omission? Does it even matter?

 

It's an interesting question nevertheless. I prefer not to ask questions unless I'm prepared to handle the answer; for example, I've told my partner that I'm not prepared to tell him how many lovers I've had, and I don't want to know how many he's had (I suspect the numbers are similar). That's how it is for me. Is that telling the truth - that I don't want to delve into a past (his OR mine) which has no bearing on the present - or concealing it?

 

What does matter is that your values and that of your partner are similar, if the relationship is to have any future. As pippy says, we all cope with things differently and have varying lines of what we consider has been crossed.

[yatsue]

It is a good point that she could have interpreted your question different than what you meant. You asked her if she did online dating. She said she didn't, but perhaps she thought you meant she never went on a date with anyone online. Then later clarified she was active on dating sites. Perhaps it is rather a misunderstanding than a white lie.

 

I do think white lies are harmless, as long as they're occassional and not frequent. It is human nature to lie, and for you or anyone else to say they're always completely honest is a lie in itself. Past, present, or future we will all lie at some point. We may do our best to be honest, although we all will end up telling a fib over nothing important once in a while.

 

For example, we white lie so we don't make others uncomfortable towards us. Someone asks how is their hair cut. You think it could have been done a lot better, but say it looks great! The alternative is the truth - you say their hair cut looks awful and then they sulk about it until it grows out. As a guy, I feel bad for you, one day a woman may ask you if they're fat and they do have some extra weight on them. How will you reply? Will you be that honest jerk or the alternative? There is such a thing as being too honest.

 

I remember my parents distinguishing "dark" lies vs white lies. Dark lies meaning lies that hurt people for your own purposes. Those are the ones to watch out for. I can bet we've all had at least one dark lie in our life, intentional or not, but do our best to avoid those. In a relationship context, these lies could very well be deal breakers.

[SherrySher]

Let's be honest here, she lied and yeah, lying at all is not good...ever.

 

I am one too who likes honesty 100%. I would sit and talk to her and ask why she lied at first and let her know how important the truth is to you.

 

Good relationships never need lying, not even white lies.

[SherrySher]

I'll even add in, that I've read some of the arguments for lying and nah, that doesn't fly with me either.

 

You should be real in relationships (not mean) but real and you should be close enough friends that you can tell each other the truth. I'd feel better having a partner who told me when my dress didn't look good as compared to someone who lied and let me go out looking like an idiot.

 

I just don't ever see the need for lying.

[yatsue]

I'll even add in, that I've read some of the arguments for lying and nah, that doesn't fly with me either.

 

You should be real in relationships (not mean) but real and you should be close enough friends that you can tell each other the truth. I'd feel better having a partner who told me when my dress didn't look good as compared to someone who lied and let me go out looking like an idiot.

 

I just don't ever see the need for lying.

 

Saying there is no need for white lies is not helpful and unrealistic. Everyone lies, yes even you at one point or another, intentionally or not. Or by omission. Making a mound out of a molehill is a bigger issue.

 

For example, you tell your partner you'll be home in a half hour after work and there's nothing important planned. You actually show up in an hour after finishing some things. You come home to a partner who goes off on you about lying about when you would be home, and you're standing there thinking "this beotch is crazy".

 

Some also value being considerate over honesty. If you really get upset, say your lying compliments don't fly, over your partner not telling you look hideous in order to spare your feelings, again you're being over the top and building a mighty fine molehill.

[PICCOLLO]

Some valid points here.

 

I happen to think that white lies to spare someone’s feelings MAY have validity but lying, in any form, creates mistrust. (In me anyway) So you have to weigh the risk up.

 

Since posting this,

I spoked to a psychologist who happens to think that never lying in a relationship is unrealistic and often people using lying as a means to help them deal with things on a level they can handle. My girlfriend lied about an ex of hers, saying he’d been trying to get back together with her for years but she wasn’t interested. It turnt out she wanted to get back with him a year ago but he (after chasing her for some time) rejected her. Her omitting that she wanted to get back with him for a portion of the period was how she dealt with the rejection. is it a lie? Yes. Does it impact our relationship? He is permanently out of the picture so no. But its still a lie.

 

Molehills can become mountains given enough time.

[PICCOLLO]

Another example that might be worth discussing:

 

I recently went to a work farewell drinks and knew a girl I’d slept with a few years ago would be there. I told my girlfriend, invited her to come but said Id like to go regardless of if she would come with me. It caused some tension on the day. She would never have known had I not told her. She chose not to come.

 

Who thinks I was better off not mentioning it?

[Batya33]

I don't think white lies are wrong if the sole motive is the other person's feelings/to be tactful. I think in the situation above you were right to mention it and right to go because it was work-related. Too risky if she went and then realized it while there - I'm assuming this would bother your girlfriend. It wouldn't bother me unless the issue was that the woman might harass me/be confrontational.