What to do with my EX

[yoda1949]

So my ex and I broke up some time ago but I still love her and she appears to still love me (in her own way). Since the break up there has been a cycle of getting closer (talking for hours and hours on the phone) followed by her pushing me away in some way followed by no contact for a bit... month, maybe two. then repeat. Sometimes she'd like my social media or send a brief text for a holiday or sometime.

When we talk it feels like there is no distance and the chemistry is undeniable. At this point i'd think it was just me imagining things but why then would she talk for hours and hours to me. Generally the conversations only end when it's super late or a phone battery dies. Anyway, recently this happened again and it felt really nice. I tried to follow this up later with a few flirty texts and her response was really mean and more harsh then the previous pushes away. So I laid it all out and told her that don't understand why this needs to happen and that I can't take it and proceeded to delete her from all social media. Unfortunately... I hired her business so I have no choice but to keep in contact a bit for the next few weeks. But I didn't mention the social media purge and only was business like. So one of these texts somehow turned into her trying to get me to be "just friends" again. I tried to be really open to tell her how I feel about her prevents me from being "friends" and that keeping in touch prevents me from fully getting over her and moving on. This went back and forth...Looking back I regret even engaging as trying to convince someone via text is really weak.

anyway, not sure what I should do. I really do love this woman and we really do have an amazing connection. That being said, she consistently rebuffs my suggestion that we try again with nondescript statements like "in my heart I know it's not right" and that she can't handle any relationships..

My plan is to go back to being completely business.. we have to meet in a business setting in a few weeks and I guess I'll keep up being completely business and then delete her number and try to really get on with my life.

[yoda1949]

to be honest... a part of me wants to accept the "friends" business because I don't like the idea of losing her completely. But it feels completely emasculating for one and two.. I'll never get over her and the cycle will just continue.

[Hollyj]

Stop allowing her to string you along. As you can see, all this causes is pain.

 

I agree with your plan. Keep it at a business level, then block and delete. No more late night phone calls, as this is going nowhere.

[Hollyj]

You CANNOT be friends if there are feelings. Stop making excuses to keep her in your life.

[Pto29538]

I’m sure she does possess feeling for you still and you clearly still get on etc so this cycle could continue for a very long time if you let it and so could your pain !!! She sounds confused and not knowing what she wants and she has also told you she isn’t capable of relationships so maybe they bring up underlying issues for her . So it doesn’t matter about the chemistry or Dow well you still get on as she isn’t willing and or able to be in a relationship. So cut the contact so you can heal . I think you have already come to this conclusion yourself anyways

[yoda1949]

I haven't hidden these feelings though... I've been very upfront about it.

I was plotting on transmitting the message that she should only ever contact me again if she becomes willing to actually work on things in someway. so no blocking but I will certainly delete her number.

[yoda1949]

She has real trauma from childhood and from her previous husband that really affects her ability to bond and this is clearly a big part of the issue. However, this causes two things. I'm way more forgiving than I really should be and I deserve to have someone who at least try's to work on this.

[Hollyj]

I haven't hidden these feelings though... I've been very upfront about it.

I was plotting on transmitting the message that she should only ever contact me again if she becomes willing to actually work on things in someway. so no blocking but I will certainly delete her number.

 

Okay. Just don't bend, if she reaches out to chat.

 

Sounds like she could use some counseling to deal with her issues.

 

Don't wait around for this woman to see the light.

[yoda1949]

I was thinking of writing a letter and handing it to her when we part... I like romanticism and despite all this pain, this woman really means a lot to me.

[Hollyj]

No. Don't do that. She knows how you feel.

 

The next time she reaches out to chat, tell her not to contact you, unless she wants full reconciliation.

[yoda1949]

This is defiantly true..

Although I'd be ok with a slow reboot, it's just friend zone purgatory I'm not ok with.

[Hollyj]

You need to honest with yourself. Don't settle. Either she is in, or she is out.

[Pleasedonot5]

You have the right idea. You don't want to be friends and you're honest about your intentions of wanting to get back together.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. Most people aren't ballsy enough to tell their intentions - over writing or in person. So that she knows where you stand is a huge bonus.

 

You know what you have to do. Stay the course and go NC. She - again - knows where you stand. You've made that clear with your words. Now make it clear with your actions too.

[yoda1949]

thanks for the input... it's harder in real life than it seems on the screen but I really see no other way.

[Hollyj]

Yoda, we Have all been there. I wish that I had gone NC, and not tried to be "friends," as I would have saved myself much pain.

[yoda1949]

Should I send her a message telling her clearly my intentions or wait until next week when I see her in person?

[yoda1949]

I'm feeling really stupid for engaging in the last text conversation with her and don't want to make things worse... basically I tried to convince her I had value which was stupid and comes out even worse in text. I looked back and made myself uncomfortable...