Girlfriend (of 7 years) and i are possibly breaking up... Or maybe getting married?

[solost85]

First I just want to say thank you to anyone who reads this and tries to help. I will be as brief but as informative as I can so that this isint a 10 page post but i'm not sure how that will be possible. We have been together for 7 years but i feel like I would need 14 years to explain it.

 

Me and my girlfriend have both been in very serious relationships prior to dating each other. We started dating when we were in our early 20's and we are both about 30 now. I'm going to try and sum up 7 years of relationship because I could type for ages about the relationship. It has been the best relationship we both have ever had. We have the same personality, same interests, same sense of humor, good families, and an INSANE connection that we feel towards each other. We have broken up 3-4 times in our past. Mostly when we were in our early 20's and we would only be broken up for a month or so. It was really more of a break from each other. I should mention we have been living together for about the past 6 years. When we used to break up I would just move back in with my parents for a month, and when we would fix things between us I would move back in.

 

Anyway about 3 years ago now we broke up and I moved out. We were actually broken up for about 1.5 years. We still spoke often and discussed how stupid we were to let an amazing gift (the relationship) die and how we regretted it all the time. We both casually dated some other people but eventually made our way back to each other. When we go back together that time, we moved back in, and we even spoke of getting married because we had both decided we would never break up again because it had felt like our soul's were missing half of itself.

 

Ever since we got back together things were amazing for a little over a year. Things were so good that I was looking at rings and speculating how i would propose. Now I should mention one of the big issues between us right now is that we are in very different places in life right now. I currently have my dream job that i have been at for 2 years, and i've been able to save up enough money for a new car and a house. My girlfriend on the other hand is only working part time. She has a degree, although what she got a degree in you can't really do much with it. She has been working part time since she has been about 20 because it was a good job and she was making enough money to pay the bills. My girlfriend has recently gone back to school for something else because she is sick of working part time jobs. We both currently live in an apartment together where I am paying 90% of the bills because she cant afford it while shes in school. I will note right here that my girlfriend is EXTREMELY introverted, like, extremely. She always says she was born with a "broken brain" and she says how she just feels sad and depressed most of the time, a lot of times for no real reason. Also she is EXTREMELY sensitive. If we have a minor argument, she will see it in her mind as a HUGE fight.

 

Now let me get into how the problems started. My girlfriend has always made it known that if we were to move out of our apartment and get a house, she would like to be engaged or married. We both have never been the marriage type but I understand what she means. She has lived with other boyfriends in the past, and for her to uplift her world and move somewhere brand new, I can see why she would want to be engaged or married. And just let it be clear she has never pushed for marriage. She has explained it to me that if she is going to take the leap of faith to leave our home and start somewhere new, she would want a leap of faith on my end (engagement).

 

So because everything was going so good, and because i was figuring i would propose anyway, i figured no big deal. BUT.. then I started realizing things. I am a very motivated, determined, and assertive person. My girlfriend on the other hand is not. I have also noticed my girlfriend is simply not responsible. She will say how she is sick of working part time jobs, but yet she doesn't apply for full time jobs that she finds that she would be a good fit for. I think because shes afraid of getting a rejection letter. I've told her thats just apart of job hunting. Also if she is having a health issue, she doesn't go to the doctors, she just simply isint assertive to call and make an appointment. Or if I nag her she will eventually make the appointment but when it comes she will just not go to it. Also her schooling. She has been going back to school to do something else but she skips classes all the time, and she never studies. She just doesn't seem responsible to me. Also her debt... She has about 40k in college debt, which she for some reason stopped paying, now it is all in collections. I have noticed before she will get a bill in the mail, and literally let it sit until the day it is due before she pays it. Or she will simply not open her mail because she assumes it is junk mail, only to find out later that one of the pieces of mail was a bill which now she would be late paying.

 

This above behavior is the complete OPPOSITE of how I handle things. I square things away immediately so they do not become an issue. I have always noticed that my girlfriend did stuff like this but i didnt realize how frequently it happened until i started paying attention to it. And it basically has got me thinking, can i marry someone like this? And to be honest i'm not sure that I can. My girlfriend has been saying lately how she feels like a failure because she is in her low 30's making hardely any money and only working part time. She has said that her self confidence is at an all time low, which has made her even more sad and depressed. And this is actually very hard on me because 1. I don't want to see my girlfriend sad and depressed, but 2. I am a very positive person and her negativity definitely brings me down. To the point where I have wondered if she is good for me. I keep telling her she needs to go to her college classes and apply herself and she can do whatever she wants to do. But the job she has now, she is hoping her boss will retire in the next year and she is hoping she will get her boss's job which is full time. I keep telling her she cant rely on that. Now my girlfriend has always had a problem with alcohol. We have had many fights about it and we have even broken up about it in the past. But lately, because of her being depress about her job situation she has been drinking even more, which makes me doubt even more if we should be together. She is a small girl, about 5'2 120lbs, and she sometimes drinks 2 bottles of wine to herself. It's like she can't have just one drink, she needs to drink enough to basically pass out.

 

So with all this going on and me noticing my girlfriend's flaws (not to say i don't have any), I decided to put buying a house on hold. I decided the relationship was worth figuring out and I should not try to look for a house, because in order for her to move with me, we would need to be engaged, which i'm not sure I want to do right now. Well, I happen to stumble upon a house in my price range very close to the downtown area which we live in (which is unheard of). It is literally a house I cant pass up. So I decided to put an offer on the house not even expecting to get it, but I did.

 

So now my move in date for the new house is in 2 weeks. And my girlfriend and I have talked a little about it. She has said that she is not going to move with me and she is going to stay in the apartment. I have asked her if she still see's us getting married and she has said "no". Which honestly I don't believe is true. So I have no idea what to do. Honestly if she was working full time making a normal wage I think her self confidence, sadness, depression, and over all happiness would all be fixed. But I don't know what to do now because i'm getting my house only 2 weeks away. So should I propose to keep her? and figure out the rest later? One thing I can guarantee you is once we break up this time, it will be the last time. If we break up, we will not be able to speak, or see each other. It would be too hard for both of us. And not only is she my lover, but she is completely my best friend. I've never felt closer to another person than her.

 

She is an extremely nice person and she will put all others before herself, all the time. I love her so much and honestly I cant imagine my life without her. The 1.5 years we were broken up was a horrible time in my life. It literally felt like I had a pit in my stomach and my throat all the time. I simply could never get over her. It felt like I had found my soul mate, someone who loves me for me, and then lost her. So after we got back together I could have never imagined I would be posting this. I don't know what to do. I feel pressured to quickly make a decision to propose, because if I don't we will break up. I asked her what will happen if I move out and she stays at the apartment, and she said she wouldn't see the point, and like it would be us taking several steps backwards. So basically when I move out were over. I just have NO idea what to do. Propose and keep her? Or accept the fact that she somehow isint for me and move out and move on? Never to talk to my lover and best friend again. Jesus this situation sucks.

 

As for the relationship right now, were both kind to each other but its like this underlying thing that we know is coming. I think both of us are just expecting to break up. And to be honest she doesn't seem very bothered by it. I am the one constantly trying to talk about things and trying to figure out options, but everytime i bring it up she says we've already talked about it a thousand times. I have no idea what to do right now.

 

 

I know this post is long as hell, i'm not even going to proof read it. Trust me I definitely tried to be brief. I could have typed a lot more. Thank you if you've made it this far. What should I do?

[yatsue]

I think you two are wringing this relationship out so many times it's finally going to remain broken. Keep breaking up, getting back together, breaking up and then the cycle continues. It's starting to be expected at this point you two will break up in the near future, no?

 

She wants to marry and move in to a house together, while you do not because of a slew of her own glaring issues. You're asking to just take a blind leap of faith and propose, hoping it will fix everything? I would think again. It doesn't sound logical. She has concerns that do need time to fix. You've been telling her for a while and nothing has changed. Now, if one thing has changed for starters, then perhaps she has the capacity to mature into a real partner in your eyes. I assume this is not the case though.

 

Realize if you go through with the marriage, her debt will most certainly be your debt too. Unless there may be some kind of prenuptial agreement freeing you of this. You could offer an engagement on the condition of one or more things: 1) Accept a prenup or manage/free up her debt 2) Demonstrate better drinking habits (aka not instigating fights or getting drunk for a while), perhaps go to AA 3) Manage her depression better through different resources (counselor/therapist, self help books, meetup groups helping depressed individuals) 3) Going to her classes regularly and completing her degree and 4) Getting a stable, full time job. This would be before marriage of course, during engagement is an option, while before engagement would be ideal although I think she wants at the least an engagement in order to stay with you.

 

Do you think you can get her to agree to actively fixing a few or all of her issues in the near future? Are there some that are lower on the totem pole you can live long term with? They are all pretty significant character flaws. Yes, all of them. Perhaps if she can support herself and just let herself sink into debt (without affecting you with a prenup), could you live with that? Sure, we never want to see our partner do that, although proposing possible solutions couldn't hurt as this seems to be leading to a final break anyway.

 

I do not have high hopes for this to work out in the long term, according to the history. Couples have discrepancies, however breaking up over every one of them is not good. Some kind of arrangement before marriage could be a make it or break it point. I would try at first, then give up when you've exhausted any possible solutions. There are definitely much more capable women out there if it doesn't work out, you just need to cut all of the ties once it doesn't and you will move on in time.

[MissCanuck]

Do not get married. Neither of you wants it for the right reasons.

 

You will be taking on a daughter instead of a partner. At this time, she appears to be largely incapable of taking care of herself. Thus, she is not ready for the commitment and hard work marriage takes, and who do you think is going to wind up taking on all her debts, OP? Who is going to bear the brunt of her drinking problem?

 

She has a lot of problems she needs to get sorted out. I would move into your new house anyway. If she won't come without a ring, tough cookies. Let her stay where she is. She needs a big wake-up call, so that she can begin to address her issues. If she is struggling with depression, which I strongly suspect, she must get help. That should be priority #1, not marriage.

 

I actually don't think your relationship is going to survive much longer, to be honest. Multiple break-ups, alcohol abuse, mounting unpaid debts, completely different approaches to life...it's not looking good, OP.

[tattoobunnie]

If she wanted to marry you, it doesn't matter if you were moving to a shack, she'd just want to marry you, so stop with blaming yourself. You are investing into your portfolio and net worth, and that is a sound, logical move.

 

I will share with you, my husband is very responsible when it comes to work, but so fiscally irresponsible when it comes to his own finances; the man never spends much, but he could never ever pay his pills on time; like a total mental block in his head. In fact, he was in debt for $15K he didn't even know, ugh. I paid it off when we got married. And to make life easier for everyone, I pay all our bills, but he pitches in with everything else, I don't do the plumbing, yard work, electrical, and tons of other stuff, he does. And we co-parent. You would not feel a certain way if she was truly 50/50 with you on things and responsibilities, and it doesn't have to be matching things.

 

While you say you say have similar personalities, you don't. She has become complacent, while you are working long-term, big picture, and don't believe in such a thing as a free lunch - you are getting what you want, and planning on it. She is not your partner as she won't take your advice, nor is she doing things that add to the progression and growth of your relationship. In reality, she's become a mooching alcoholic.

 

You simply have outgrown her. I know it sounds horrible because you've been together for so long, but there's no much more when it comes to choosing the right partner and the right person for you. Great times aside, your outlook on life, how you treat others, your outlook on finances (savings, spending, investing), leisure, family, future goals (getting married) need to match. I don't see how you two match much anymore. And it's okay.

[solost85]

Thank you guys for taking the time to read this and respond. I took a couple days to think about what you guys said before I responded.

 

Misscanuck, I have thought about what you said about telling her I will be engaged IF she works on some things and clears them up before we officially get married. I think that is a good idea. BUT I can almost guarantee if I bring that up to her, she will just say no. Which is probably the strongest indicator that I should cut all my ties with her. But maybe its worth a try. I think she would say no because she takes stress and everything so hard (extremely introverted). And I think she might just want to stay in our apartment and not have to worry about moving or anything, of course at the cost of losing the relationship. I might try to bring this up to her, but i'm just worried what she will say. Also its very true about how being with her has become having a daughter in a lot of ways. I feel like I have to constantly nag her about paying her bills, getting an oil change on her car, and just random stuff. Because if I don't push her to do it it just will never happen. And she gets irritated with me nagging her and she says "i already have one father I don't need another". But like I said if I don't nag her it just wont happen. And this has made me worry a lot about having a house with someone like that. Because what if the house needs work or something. She won't pick up the phone and call someone to fix it, and she probably wont try to fix it herself.. I have been realizing I do need someone who is more of a partner.

 

Also to Tattoobunnie... I agree with you too. I really thought a lot about your last paragraph talking about how i've out grown her. And honestly the more I think about it the more i'm starting to agree. when me and my girlfriend started dating, and for most of our relationship I was introverted like her. I didn't like going out, I didn't have many friends, and I was ok with that. But I am not the same person that I was before. Now I am very social, and for the first time in my life I have a lot of different groups of friends and I really enjoy meeting new people and experiencing new things, which my girlfriend does not. Shes the same introverted person (not that there is anything wrong with that) who wants to sit at home all the time. I'm just not like that anymore. Also I have a very strong desire to constantly want more and to push myself to achieve goals, which she does not. The more I think about it the more i realize that maybe I have simply out grown her and the relationship.

 

So I've thought about talking to her about getting engaged IF she agrees to work on things, mainly the drinking, her sadness/depression, and her debt. But I'm not sure how to bring that up, and like i said I think she would just say no because it would be easier for her to say no so she could just stay in the apartment and be alone. There is a part of me though that feels like I shouldn't bother with that idea, because maybe I have outgrown her and the relationship. But then there is the part of myself which feels like I need to fix things that are not working. And I think I would feel better with myself if I did bring this up because then if I do and she says no, at least I will know I've done everything i possibly can to make it work, but she just wasn't willing to. Not positive on what I should do yet. My mortgage guy called me today and said I might be able to close on the house next week. Ugh.

[solost85]

*** UPDATE***

 

OK so quick update. Me and my girlfriend just sat down at the kitchen table and talked about things. I told her that there are the things about her that worry me (drinking too much, depression, and her debt) and i told her if she can agree to work on these things then maybe we could get engaged. She was hurt that I came up with a list of things to say thats why i didnt want to get married. She was very upset. She basically said she has recognized them as issues too, but she said once she figures out her job situation and lands a full time normal job, that those issue will go away. Shes being very confusing with me. She says that she feels like the relationship has ran its course, and that she doesn't think it will work out. I kept asking her straight up if she would work on the issues i mentioned so that we can take the relationship to the next level, and she doesn't say yes, but she doesn't say no either. She basically says that since we have been together for 7 years, if getting married was in the cards for us than it would have happened already. I told her that I do love her, and I do want her to live with me in the new house, and that I do see us going further if she just agrees to work on things.. but she seems hesitant and she basically said she wishes she could speed up time until I move out so things will be easier. She was very upset almost the whole time we were talking and she said she honestly thought we would never be in this position again since we had got back together. I agreed.

 

Sorry if this post is all messed up, it just happened and I had to get my thoughts and everything on here. She was very upset and we didn't really know what else to say so she just left and went for a drive.

 

I told her that it also makes me uncomfortable that she NEVER comes out with my friends, but more importantly that she never comes to my family get togethers. She just said she doesn't come because she would rather stay home and be alone, and she said she doesn't even like going to her own family things which is true. And I did tell her that I am bringing up all these things now before we (if we do) get married because if I dont bring them up now, they could be catastrophic if we were married.

 

I have no idea what to do now. She mentioned maybe going to live at her parents house until I move into the house. I don't know what to do. Like i said in my previous post, I do love her and I care so much for her. In my 30ish years on this planet she is the only person I have ever met that I have such a strong connection with. Honestly i cant imagine her not in my life. When we were broken up for the 1.5 years it never got better. People always say time heals everything but in that 1.5 years it never healed, or even started to. I love her so much and shes such a good person, but... ugh. At the same time I think maybe I have outgrown her and the relationship. But if she is the only person i've ever met and had this connection with, will it take another 30 years to find another? I have no idea what to do right now. Should I go out and buy a ring a propose? Because I cant live without her? Or do I let her go, move into my house, and forget about my best friend.... UGH. Sorry for this rambling post.

[solost85]

Hey, thanks so much for taking the time to respond. I responded but I forgot yo use the reply feature. So as of right now I close on the house in about 7 days. We have been on good terms, i've been boxing up my items and we have been trying to avoid each other. I just keep having the thought of "is this the right decision?". I still love her so much, and i just want the best for her, and for her to be happy. And it sucks because I am very close to her family. I've just been doubting myself wondering if i'm doing the right thing. I don't know if it will take another 30 years to find someone i had as strong of a connection with as i did with her.

[tattoobunnie]

I don't know if it will take another 30 years to find someone i had as strong of a connection with as i did with her.

 

You will never find the right person if you stay. Of course you love her, but you need more than love for the right life partner. Staying with her longer will only make things worse. You both will be okay. And don't confused loss of intimacy (experiencing a void) as a sign that you should bet back together. Being with someone for 7 years, you need to retrain your brain on how to be without her. Always remember, you both want different things, and have different approaches and feelings on life and how to live it. Never settle for someone who doesn't fill your heart with joy.