is adult entertainment like cheating or am I crazy?

[lovely lady]

My boyfriend of 4 years just got invited to a bachler party where there is going to be adult entertainment. He really wants to go, but I hate knowing that he will be going and sees some strange women dancing infront of him wearing a total of zero clothing. I always thought that being naked was something you share with someone you care about not a person who's body means more to you than having an emotional relationship with them. Am I not good enough for him that he needs a stranger to satisfy him? or am I just crazy?

[varactor]

when i was with my exgirlfirend during the 4.5 years, i was invited to a bachloeor party, but i did not go, mainly becasue i thought it was a stupid thing. what it really comes down to is trust. i trusted her, and she trusted me. she wouldnt mind me going to strip clubs, if she went along, but i was never the typed that like them, but we would go as a couple for fun sometimes. if you really dont want him to go, sit down and talk to him, honestly, and calmly, dont get nasty or upset,or he will get defensive. express your feelings on it. maybe even compromise, saying you will goto a strip club with him. but, most importantly, tell him how you feel without turning it into a fight or jealousy driven talking.

[RoxyBabe17]

Im totally getting what your saying.....and the funny thing is I thought I was the only one who thought that. I was recently in "somewhat" but not really the same situation we watch movies like 95% of the time and non-stop, it never fails, to have a naked women in them and he jumps up real fast and is like "ohhh damn she looks good" and I just like sit there and give him this look and he says sorry and that he's joking but somhow I jus tthink hes like totally serious and it makes me think that im not good enough for him etc. etc....to me thats def. like cheating but no else sees it that way, he deosnt and alot of my friends and family dont see it that way either but I just dont like the fact that he gets "turned on" in that way from another woman. In any case, I would def. tell him how you feel becuase its so important that he needs to know, and if he here's what you have to say and he still geos to the party despite of how hurt you may get....then, I would start thinking very seriously about your relationship because no man is worth your tears and the one who is wont make you cry..Good Luck!!

[DN]

It's not about you - he won't compare you to her. Men and women think differently about this (at least most men and women). Men are visual, women not so much.

 

If it that important to you, find someone who will not go - but don't try to control the way most men are hard wired to think. That is why advertisements so often have sexual images in them.

[SimoneTiger]

I don't see anything wrong in that--especially when it is a one time thing like a bachelor's party. If you trust him and have no doubts about your love, it should not even be an issue.

 

Men are men, and the fact is that they like looking at beautiful women (so do I, as a matter of fact--I think that women are much prettier than men). It does not mean that they love you any less.

 

It seems to me that a self-confident woman in a sound relationship should never have a reason to be jealous of a stripper!

 

I am work as a waitress when I don't have classes, and over a couple of years I have noticed that I get the worst treatment (and worst tips) from women who seem to be insecure and with low self-esteem: I just can't help but make the observation that they and their husbands seemed, frankly, miserable. It is the women in happy couples who just radiate love that show respect for me since they don't feel threatened.

 

Maybe there is something in your boyfriend's past that gives you reason not to trust him?

[Luciana]

Lovely Lady, I feel for you. I also see it as cheating. I don't understand the excuses people give like "boys will be boys" and that it is ok to hire hookers for a bachelor's party. Having a beer with the boys, going on an all male sports event, etc, seem like a more healthy way to celebrate the end of singleness.

My fiance knows how I feel about him seeing naked woman and I think he would respect that and not go to any stuff like that. It is a vile tradition that doesn't have a reason nowadays, since most couples have sex before marriage.

if my fiance had a bachelors party with strippers, etc, I would feel he cheated on me, especially knowing that sometimes more stuff happens, like touching and even paid sex. There is no excuse for that.

Tell him how you feel (I agree with the others, in a nice sensible way), and hope for the best. If he respects you he will not want to make you anxious and insecure. If my BF told me he did not want me to go see male strippers, I would listen to him and not join the party. So it all comes down to how much he respects you.

[lovely lady]

There is nothing in my boyfriends past that would make me think that he would cheat, just the opposite. I just think that there should be more in our relationship than being friends who have sex. Shouldn't there be things that we share with eachother and no one else? Shouldn't being naked be one of them?

[someguy69]

Something is only "cheating" if it's done behind your back without approval.

 

Like cheating on a test... cheating on your diet... cheating on your taxes.

 

If you consider watching strippers cheating, then it's cheating to you.

 

To most people it's not, because their partner doesn't mind.

 

Intimate contact with another person is a whole different matter, and I'm certain that most partners would not be okay if the other partner was having intimate contact with another (some would, but that's another story).

[varactor]

he wont be naked, just the dumb stripper. also keep in mind, sex is biological while love is more spiritual. the things you share in a realtionship with nobody else, is your love for each other, intimacy, secrets, desires, fantasies. and other things. nudity is nothing but exposure, thats why there are nude beaches.

[Luciana]

"I am work as a waitress when I don't have classes, and over a couple of years I have noticed that I get the worst treatment (and worst tips) from women who seem to be insecure and with low self-esteem: I just can't help but make the observation that they and their husbands seemed, frankly, miserable. It is the women in happy couples who just radiate love that show respect for me since they don't feel threatened."

 

This is interesting. I think that when a man shows love and respect for his woman, she will not feel threatened by a pretty waitress. Maybe some of the couples you see are having problems and the woman is feeling unloved. My daughter got a job as a hostess and I told her to be extra nice to the women and not flirt with the guys (like Hooters girls do). Some couples are going through rough patches and a woman is feeling insecure. If she sees the guy giving the waitress extra attention she will feel bad. It is a delicate situation.

 

But then again, he may appreciate the (usually young) waitresses beauty, but it's different when he has a fully naked woman in front of him. He will feel turned on by her, he will want to touch her. That is very hurtful for his partner, to imagine that. So I understand when a woman wants to avoid that hurt.

 

I always try to be nice to waitresses, because I think they could be me or one of my daughters just doing their job. And he can see pretty women everywhere, in supermarkets, offices, etc. But stippers and hookers are a another story.

[hockeyboy]

and that it is ok to hire hookers for a bachelor's party

 

strippers arent all hookers and its unfair to assume thats the case.

[Luciana]

What about those that after performing their deed go to the bar and hok with guys to have sex somewhere else for hundreds of dollars? A friend of mine told me this really happens.

[hockeyboy]

What about those that after performing their deed go to the bar and hok with guys to have sex somewhere else for hundreds of dollars? A friend of mine told me this really happens.

 

so that means they all do it? what about the "regular girls" who do the same kinds of things. besides if your bf cheats on you with a stripper...whos the bad person? the stripper or the bf? I'd blame the bf more, much more. There would be a good chance the stripper doesnt even know he has a gf. plenty of guys can see strippers without having sex with them and plenty of strippers can strip without having sex with the customers.

 

i personally dont like going to strip clubs and what not for the most part only because i get bored and dont like the idea of teasing myself. however...i dont see anything wrong with it if people are honest and forthcoming. and before you ask..yes, ive been ok with past gfs going to male strip clubs.

[SimoneTiger]

I agree with what you said, and let me note that I NEVER flirt with men at the restaurant, out of consideration for their partners as much as out of respect for myself. I would also never tolerate my boyfriend flirting with anyone in my presense--that just screams "doormat."

 

But I have had his friends ask me what is going on--apparently, when he goes out with his buddies and they point out how hot some other woman is, he just shrugs in agreement as opposed to discussing her butt or whatever it is men like to talk about between themselves (I assume he used to, before we met). And really, what goes on when he's out with his buddies is of no concern to me as long as it is harmless.

 

I think that speaks for itself, and I should have no reason to try to keep him from enjoying strippers at a party--yes, the situation did come up in the form of a bachelor's party. My comment: "Promise to call me if you get too drunk to drive, no matter how late it is."

 

When it comes to men being turned on, it can be explained with a simple understanding of neurophysiology: the process of being "turned on" is controlled by the sympathetic part of the autonomous nervous system. Autonomous meaning that they have no control over it.

 

Nevertheless, my fiance has told me that he probably wouldn't be turned on by anybody other than me even if he tried: and I have no reason not to believe him. As a girl, I do understand your point and I agree to a great extent--I probably would not take my fiance to a "hot chick" movie like Charlie's Angels (although I insist on seeing everything with Mr. Depp or Mr. Pitt in it), but I would never try to prevent him from going with his friends.

[Down-In-A-Hole]

I wouldn't say it is cheating.

 

However, I'm a guy who would never go to one of those things while in a relationship as I can't imagine my girlfriend feeling great about it, even if she was okay about it.

 

The bottom line is that you need to peacefully bring it up with him. Tell him how it makes you feel. JUST REMEMBER: do not attack him in any way about this.

 

You might find that he'll blow off the whole thing when he realizes how you feel. You also might find that he still goes, but after talking about the situation you'll feel better about letting him go.

 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[someguy69]

I probably would not take my fiance to a "hot chick" movie like Charlie's Angels (although I insist on seeing everything with Mr. Depp or Mr. Pitt in it), but I would never try to prevent him from going with his friends.

 

Hmm... seems a tad hypocrital to insist on seeing every Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt movie, while avoiding "hot chick" movies.

[SimoneTiger]

someguy69,

 

I go to Brad Pitt movies with my girlfriends--I understand that my boyfriend wouldn't like to think that he is being compared to him after leaving the theater (seriously, it's Brad Pitt--any girl would understand )

 

That's the reason I don't normally suggest going to "hot chick" movies ;-)

 

Also, this is only a humorous example, and not really an issue at all.

[Cecelius]

I thought that strippers at bachelor parties were so ordinary and typical as to be humdrum?

 

Besides, the strippers are usually there for the dudes throwing the bachellor party.

[Luciana]

HAve you ever seen those teen movies? The stripper is there mainly for the groom-to-be and sometimes there is lap dancing and touching.

 

I just think it's such an old fashioned and unnecessary tradition. Note: other countries don't have that, it is mainly an anglo one.

 

Why piss your bride to be a day before your big day? Haven't you seen enough naked women in the past? Can't you see them any given day on the net or in magazines?

 

I have no desire to look at another man's penis the days before my wedding.

 

My final opinion on this is: if your partners is cool with this sort of thing (like many couples are cool with wife swapping and orgies), then do whatver you want. if your partner feels unconfortable with it, then respect his/hers feelings. I am sure there are guys out there that don't want their GF's/fiances seeing naked men swining their penis on their face-this is what I heard some male strippers do.

[hockeyboy]

HAve you ever seen those teen movies? The stripper is there mainly for the groom-to-be and sometimes there is lap dancing and touching.

 

they're movies

[DN]

someguy69,

 

I go to Brad Pitt movies with my girlfriends--I understand that my boyfriend wouldn't like to think that he is being compared to him after leaving the theater (seriously, it's Brad Pitt--any girl would understand )

 

That's the reason I don't normally suggest going to "hot chick" movies ;-)

 

Also, this is only a humorous example, and not really an issue at all.

 

The odd thing is that it is very much part of the issue. Most men see pornography and strippers in exactly the same way that you see Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp - as unattainable fantasies. In the same way you don't compare your boyfriend to these actors they don't compare their girlriends to the girls they see on screen or on stage. The only difference is that the girls are naked - and men are hard wired to be visual. It is why some men read pornograpihic novels and some women read romance novels. In both cases they are fantasies and about sex, except romance novels are not usually so graphic.

 

Also, although there may be a lot of women who disapprove, there are lots of women who don't care, largely becuase they understand that it is not about them; but there are also lots of women who enjoy pornography and male strippers.

[Luciana]

Well, vive la difference!

 

Romance novels promote romance, intimacy, closeness between a man and a woman.

 

Porn movies and books promote wild sex, sex with strangers and emotional detachment.

 

No wonder so much conflict between the sexes.

[RayKay]

There are some pretty raunchy "romance" novels out there! I don't read them (I'd rather skip the romance and go straight to the goods...or write my own stories...lol), but have seen enough "blurbs" from them to know they are not as tame as they appear to be!

[SimoneTiger]

DN: true.

 

As far as lovely_lady's situation is concerned, let me just say that I would be rather upset if I was asked to not see any Depp or Pitt movies. I would also be wondering about my boyfriend's sanity--and as DN pointed out, the case with a bachelor's party really isn't that different.

[lovely lady]

Well thank you all for your advice. I spoke to my boyfriend (and took your advice not to attack me) and now he is very upset with me. He really wants to go. Although I think this is a barbaric tradition I cannot make a choice for him. I tried to tell him how I would probably feel if he went but he told me it was an ultimatum. I didn't think it was. He can barely look at me and I think he thinks that I am trying to change him. I will let you know if he decides to go but I think that he will go.

 

If it is alright to see someone naked outside of the relationship what will be next? Plain and simple I think that when in a relationship the other person needs to be a main concern in your life and not your penis.