Different religions in relationships

[beachieca]

I'm a catholic and always have been...my boyfriend is a faithful Christian and i was just wondering what other people's thoughts/opinions are when it comes to religion in a relationship. I know that Christianity and Catholicism are pretty close as far as beliefs etc. but i mentioned to him going to church with me every once in a while, and he said he wouldn't mind going a couple of times, but that he found it boring, thinks some of the rituals and stuff is overdone, that he's never felt comfortable in a Catholic church in the past, and that he doesn't agree with some of our beliefs. It really isn't a huge deal to me, i just thought it would be something nice for us to do together...anyway, what do you think? Is it something that we should compromise on...any thoughts would be great! I know it's kind of a touch subject with some people so i understand that too.

[DN]

My mother was Catholic and my father was Anglican. They never went to each other's churches (actually my father never went to church anyway). My aunts and uncles also married non-Catholics and were able to reach agreements.

 

I notice you used the word compromise - but you didn't say that you had also suggested going with him to his church!

 

If you are thinking of a long-term relationship with this guy then it would be a good idea at some point to decide how you are going to deal with the religion question - which church to marry in, how the children will be raised etc. If you can reach an agreement all well and good - but if not you will have serious problems to overcome.

[Luciana]

Religion, the biggest lie ever told.

Religion, the major cause of wars and death in the world.

And now, also causing conflicts between couples.

Nothing better than having a partner who thinks like you. My partner is an atheist like me so it is wonderful to think the same way. I could never date a religious man; I wouldn't respect him. And so are my friends (scientists, freethinkers, intellectuals, highly cultivated people).

So I think one of you will have to give up their belief (in the supernatural) in order to achieve harmony. Are you ready to become a Christian? Christians treat religion as marketing: it is a product they sell hard in order to raise money for their "churches". At least catholicism (and I am a former one when I was blinded by this fantasy) is a centuries old religion with more tradition and less money making mentality.

So discuss this with him, it can create more conflicts than you imagine. Unless you two follow different ones and never talk about it again.

[Iceman26]

I was born a Roman Catholic, but I am a deist now. If I were to participate in an organized religion however, it would be Catholicism.

 

It has been pretty hard dating most of my life because of my beliefs, and girls I dated in the past trying to win me over to their beliefs and "save me". It was pretty annoying.

 

My girlfriend (soon to be fiance I hope) is Catholic and is understanding of my way of thinking. When we have children I may decide to go to church for the kiddies or to make her parents happy now and then, but other than that, I was extremely lucky to find someone who would accept me and not try and change who I am.

 

I think it depends on the two people in the relationship whether this is something that can be compromised on or not. Would you be willing to go to your boyfriends church every other Sunday? Would he be willing to go to yours every other Sunday?

[beachieca]

I know all about the conflicts different religions can cause...my Aunt is catholic and my uncle was from the middle east and never went to church...they obviously had completely different beliefs (a part of the reason for their divorce). In reply to DN, he had asked me to go to his church and i'm all up for it. We've been together for almost 8 months, so it's not like we're seriously thinking about getting married yet, but i have thought about what how it would affect having a family someday etc...we can discuss it and ask questions and stuff...he has valid questions and reasons as to what his opinions are, so talking to a priest would help i think. I just don't want it to cause conflict in the future...thats really my biggest concern. My other Aunt is catholic, and married someone w/no religion and after they got married, he became catholic as well. So i don't know...i honestly dont' think it will be a big problem...we'll see. DN, you said you're dad never went to church...when you were little, did it ever bring up questions why your mom went and your dad didn't? Just curious if it even affected you. Thanx =)

[Idelion]

In my case, religion ended it for me ... or so she said, days later she said that she wanted to be alone. But the night she left me, she said we didn't share the same vision on God and that prevented her from completing her goals. I believe in God, I love him and recognized him as my saviour, the only thing is that I don't like to go to church, I'm not comfortable in them. I wanted to accompany her to her Christian church, but that's wasn't enough. I wasn't a Christian in the end. She never had any complaints, just that.

 

Yep, so religion ruined my relatioship. I wasn't bothered if she went regularly, if she was happy then I would support her. I said this because you should lay on the table everything that might seem like a problem in the future (I did, but it didn't work it seems), so that you guys can work them out early on.

 

I hope it doesn't ruin your relationship. Just disscuss everything and try to work it out. And try to show him that what really matters is your love to him! Oh yeah, also, don't loose respect towards his believes (although he's not respecting yours very much), he might take it very personal.

 

Hope this helps! Take care!

[DN]

No, the only thing that bothered me was when I was five and a nun told me my father would go to hell because he was not a Catholic. All I can tell you is that in the majority of cases in my family where someone married a non-Catholic, there was no major difficulty because of religion. Largely because of tolerance on both sides. It is usually intolerance of other people's beliefs that causes problems in the world - not the beliefs themselves.

 

I was raised as a Catholic but it didn't stick - I am now an agnostic, simply because I require proof that there is a God before I will believe. But I am not an atheist either, for that belief is also not capable of proof, despite what sophisticated and cultivated intellectuals may say to the contrary.

 

I have friends of all religions - or none. I may not agree with them, but I don't try to convert them nor do I expect them to try to convert me. I respect their beliefs and expect the same in return.

[someguy69]

It's funny how much division there can be within two sects of the same religion (i.e. Christianity).

 

Just look at the animosity between the Catholics and Protestants in Ireland.

 

It's also interesting how the majority of the scientific community are atheists... not all though.

 

Many of the most brilliant scientific minds tend to have some sort of Godly beliefs... usually akin to Deism.

 

There is certainly reason to believe in some form of spirituality, but I think most of the wiser people will agree that organized religion has too much in the way of alterior motives to adhere to too closely, nitpick over ridiculously unimportant issues, and coerce people to abide by certain rules "for their own good".

 

Few have summed up the religious problem better than this poem based on Hindu beliefs:

link removed

[beachieca]

Thank you guys =) I do respect him and his thoughts...i mean, i'm interested i guess...there's no way i would try to change him. I'll ask him about going to each others every other sunday etc. Thats a good idea...he just doesn't feel comfortable he said...but i think that if i can find some logical answers to his questions he'll understand better and feel like he knows whats going on. You said your g/f is Catholic...do you go to church with her? I mean, how has that all worked with you guys? I know you said that she understands your point of view which i think is awesome...i hope that we can be the same way. My b/f supports me, he's the type of person who likes to have reasons, answers, proof for things. I also think it's good that you would go with her to church in the future with your children.

[bobster]

......This post is very interesting for me to read. The city I live in has a great divide in Christianity beliefs ie. Roman Catholic and Protestant. It is very annoying and is very closely connected with two famous football teams. "Support" the wrong team and you don't get talked to, like the way a "good person" does. Also in this city we have both Catholic, and non-denominational (basic Christianity is taught) schools. Again go to the wrong school and you find getting a job harder in certain firms and workplaces.

 

When it comes to meeting a nice member of the opposite sex in a club or pub here......I'm sorry to say but the first thing most people do is ask "what school did you go to?" or another classic....."do you like football? what did you think of the result today?".......basically finding out what "side" of the divide you are on.

 

 

It is very sad, and it has hurt me alot over the years. The ironic thing is that I'm not a church goer anymore, I don't really support football and I don't hate Catholics so why should it bother me??

 

 

I think that to save any hassel you should stick to your own domain. Thats also a sad statement to make.......but in the end (especially in my city) it saves hurt.

[Iceman26]

No I do not go to church with her right now, and she goes maybe once every other weekend with her family. Me going to church is not a huge issue to her. She knows I love her and will take care of her and be there for her and that is what counts the most.

[DN]

The only lasting hope for harmony in the world is that people of different races, religions, countries intermarry and promote understanding of each other.

[beachieca]

I couldn't agree more

[Beec]

OK, I have no issue with people of different faiths marrying. After all, I ended up coming from such a marriage. My father came from a Catholic family. My mother's grandparents were Catholic, but her grandfather was a bit more liberal minded. He told his children that he did not care what church they went to, but that they had to go to church. Some of his children went to the Catholic church way downtown. My grandmother went around the corner to the Episcopal church. So, my mother was raised in the Episcopal church.

 

However, I note one big thing.

 

he doesn't agree with some of our beliefs.

 

This is the one part that draws my attention, because this may be hard for you to reconcile. He possibly is saying he does not agree with soem of your beliefs as well. There are three levels of compatibility in a realtionship. We need to have common interests. We need to have common values. And, we need to have a common vision as to how we fit together in a relationship. With regard to the last one, if he sees you as a stay-at-home Mom, and you see yourself as a working woman, then you may have big issues. With the first one, common interests is how we share things that we do or talk about and bond. Common values is just that. Your values may differ based on what he says above. Think about this. If your beliefs differ, then you have pssoible bigger issues. If you beliefs coincide with his and both differ from Catholic doctrine, it may not be an issue.

 

I have had religion become a problem in two former relationships. One woman I dated grew up in a very Catholic area in which people were still told that if you are not Catholic you are bound for hell. You can understand how she had an issue, being a non-Catholic christian, with this belief. (NOTE: I have heard at least one sermon that would not be in agreement, from a tough, old, Catholic, Navy Chaplain. He spoke of three forms of baptism (Water, Blood and Desire) including one (the last of these) that allowed non-Catholics to obtain salvation. I won't try to explain the theology.)

 

I also have another ex with whom it was an issue, even though she knew little about her purported faith. She was raised in Eastern Europe and could not get the information. But she insisted she was a Presbyterian, without knowing the difference between any of the Christian faiths. She wanted to make an agreement that if we had children daughters would follow her faith and sons mine. This made little sense to me. It was not an issue we ever resolved. It ended for other reasons.

 

The children issue is important should be dealt with before you ever consider getting married. It is a tough thing on which to compromise. Each of you going together to one another's service is probably not as big a deal. I would not be in a rush to solve the issue, abotu children, but I would think abotu bringing it up. If you cannot see a way to a solution, then maybe you need to do some thinking.

 

At least you are both fighting over something that means something to you. I knew a couple who fought over it and neither of them ever attended any services.

[someguy69]

The newest two world religions seem to promote the most intolerance, and the most recent history of terrible violence -- Christianity and Islam. Both are offshoots from Judaism.

 

What is particularly disturbing is how strongly Jesus promoted tolerance of others, yet how equally strong some Christian groups promote intolerance.

[Beec]

The newest two world religions seem to promote the most intolerance, and the most recent history of terrible violence -- Christianity and Islam. Both are offshoots from Judaism.

 

What is particularly disturbing is how strongly Jesus promoted tolerance of others, yet how equally strong some Christian groups promote intolerance.

 

More people have been killed in the name of God, than any other reason. And the fact that all religions hold life to be some what sacred, well, that never seemed to stop it.

 

Pretty much every religion has had some of its practioners be intolerant.

[dillydilly]

I NEED HELP!!!!!

 

I have a boyfriend. We have been together about 2 years now. When we met we never talked about religion. I explained my religious beliefs and family traditions. He as well participated in all our social family events and holidays. I have not yet been able to meet his parents. A year after we had been dating he disclosed that his father was a Jehovah Witness and that he grew up between religions. His Grandmother was a Christian. He told me that currently he is not in a religion but that one day he will make a discussion and he knows it will be Jehovah Witness. He said that he will not participate in any holidays, festivities, or anything outside of the religion beliefs. He expects his wife to accept and understand his choice and follow his lead. He also wants his children to grow up this way.

This leads to my issue. I am a Latino women that has grew up in a catholic environment. My family is very festive and loves to have social family functions such as birthdays, holiday celebration etc.. I want to embrace those family values in my children as well as share that and other wonderful experience with my husband. Family is what makes me complete.

Originally I didn’t care what religion he choose just as long as we can both continue to participate in each other’s life openly. His form of compromise is ‘he will be selective on what he will be able to do’. But he does not want his children to celebrate any holidays or birthdays. Which I feel will be an instant segregation in the house whole and with each others family. I must stress currently he is not in a religion. This is what he wants in his future.

It’s now crunch time. We have let a year pass without coming into a solid conclusion. It’s pretty much a deal or no deal. Any suggestions???

[emeraldina]

I find it very stange that you haven't mentioned your religious orientation and how strong you believe in them early on in the relationship .. I think that's what should be done in a relationship ... that will avoid you any misunderstanding and heartaches .. .. I see it as a no deal in your situation .. you both expect deiiferent things.. and as much as it may be hard now.. think how much harder it'll be when your potential kids' orientations are involved

[PrincessJOA]

When I was young and dare I admit, immature and superficial through and through, religion was a huge thing for me. I was a catholic and when this guy asked me out on a date, I declined merely on the fact that he practiced Islam. And I broke up with another because he converted to one. I know. So stupid huh. Gosh, I was a complete and utter jerk then. Thank god I've come into my senses. So speaking for the present, it doesn't have the slightest impact on me at all. I've come a long way.

 

Oh oh.. I have to say this. What goes around comes around. Before I met my current SO and tried meeting potential dates, one drop dead gorgeous Moroccan bloke rejected me because I did not practice Islam. Bummer...

[CBR]

I have just met a wonderful woman. We are of different faiths and are both active in them. I need some advice on how to create a relationship and share in each others religious development without any partner feeling like they are giving up something that is important to them. Is anybody out there?

[pumpkinmoon]

I'm not a religious person at all, I have my own beliefs but I really fail to see why religion seems to cause so many problems in relationships.

 

I'm not sure if I believe in god or not, but it wouldn't bother me being with someone who believed or not. Maybe it is because I am not religious that is the reason for why I just don't get it, but if there is a God, then we are all God's children right?

[KUguardgrl13]

So my boyfriend and I have been dating for about two and a half months. We're very much in love and agree on pretty much everything except religion. On that, we agree to disagree. I was raised Presbyterian, although I try to be accepting of other beliefs, and still go to church occasionally but I haven't really found a church where I go to college yet. He labels himself as an "agnostic theologian". Basically, he won't choose any particular religion until he's studied them all. He does have leanings toward Unitarian Universalism, which I see nothing really wrong with. The only problems I see arising are if/when we decide to get married and start a family which we want to do someday. My mom has been planning my wedding ever since I was a little girl. She wants it to be a very traditional Christian wedding. She also has a less liberal mindset than I do. She has a hard time accepting Unitarians and other spinoffs. I see that also leading to problems when we try to raise our children. Christian traditions such as infant baptism and confirmation mean a lot to me, but I don't see how I could have my children baptised as infants if we're bringing them up in both Christianity and UU. I know he had problems with his last girlfriend being a conservative Christian, and I don't want religion to be the reason our relationship falls apart. Being with him has led me to question parts of my own faith, but I know that I can't just let go of it. We've talked and decided that we're not going to try and convert one another, but how are we supposed to raise our children or have a wedding?

[Hermes]

Someguy:

 

Just look at the animosity between the Catholics and Protestants in Ireland.

 

Hey hey! Not all of us. (and anyhow it is a political issue.....)

 

I have family members who were/are married to Protestants.

 

I agree with DN on this:

 

It is usually intolerance of other people's beliefs that causes problems in the world - not the beliefs themselves.

 

The word religion derives from the Latin "religiare" (to bind). And yet the issue divides people.

 

H

[Hermes]

Yes, Luciana, this is sadly the case, although I would just insert "certain Christians". .

Christians treat religion as marketing: it is a product they sell hard in order to raise money for their "churches".

 

Just a few days back I heard an expression I never heard before "the Christian retail business" (USA).

 

H

[Hermes]

LOL Bobster, I think I know where you live.

Would the teams be C and R?

 

H