What now?

[Btbgal]

Ill try and keep this short but i think my husband is having an emotional affair. Im bot sure if its crossed to sexual as the person i suspect is a coworker/his assistant who is in a same sex marriage although i know she has been with men before.

Ive noticed a distance in him recently. He pus this down to the new job he took at the beginning of this year whoch is stressful. I think hes having an affair because of some messages ive seen on his phone (we have always been open with access to each other phones and know each others passcodes etc) hes been keeping his with him at all times lately and when ive seen messages next time i look they have been deleted when he doesnt delete anything else. The messages between them started as work related but then increased in intensity. Some examples are him texting when on leave saying hes misses her or hes been rhinking of her. He has also recently messaged her at like 11pm saying sleep well gorgous and you look lively in your Facebook pictures. I saw another saying i hope we are much more than colleagues. Her messages back seem less soppy but he has put in his messages i know you dont do gush. Hes said i love you a few times at the end of messages. She has said i love you too but she is one of those hi babe to everyone girls. Im not aure if anything sexual has happe ed as he doesnt tend to work late. I know they snuck off for a quick drink after work once as i saw texts but again he was home at a reasonable time. I have also seen messages saying thanks for the card you are so sweet and thanks for my (various) gifts that hes brought her.

I know i need to confront him but im not sure if i have enough? Could this just be normal chat between colleagues or some kind of emotional affair that hasnt escalated to sex (yet)? I know he will try and deny anything is happeneingvor pass it off that i have the problem. Should i wait and gather more evidence? He obviously feels there is something to hide to delete the texts and keep his phone so close all the time. Given shes in a same sec marriage am i being ridiculous?

Ive not told a soul about this and really need some advice as im doing my own head in?!? Please help me.

[Lester]

"...saying hes misses her or he's been [t]hinking of her."

 

By itself, this one line tells of an ongoing emotional and/or physical affair. The other txts/statements are even more incriminating.

In other words, you don't need any more evidence, you need to get out of denial..., fast.

 

Secretly purchase James Dobson't "Love must be Tough" (Never let him see this book. Have a friend get it for you.)

 

First Aid:

Decide if you want to try and save the marriage.

Never tell him about this forum, or use a device he can ever have access to.

[DancingFool]

From what you've written here, this is a full blown affair that's gone long past some innocent flirting between colleagues. It's exactly as bad as it looks and likely worse. Don't kid yourself about he is home at night. You don't need a whole night to hump someone.

 

In your shoes, I'd decide first what you actually want to do about this before you even try to confront him. Maybe get your ducks in a row, even consult a lawyer, not that you need to jump to divorce, but so that you know exactly where you stand in all respects.

 

If you think he is going to ridicule and attack you, then take screenshots and keep them safe so you have proof and evidence.

[Btbgal]

From what you've written here, this is a full blown affair that's gone long past some innocent flirting between colleagues. It's exactly as bad as it looks and likely worse. Don't kid yourself about he is home at night. You don't need a whole night to hump someone.

 

In your shoes, I'd decide first what you actually want to do about this before you even try to confront him. Maybe get your ducks in a row, even consult a lawyer, not that you need to jump to divorce, but so that you know exactly where you stand in all respects.

 

If you think he is going to ridicule and attack you, then take screenshots and keep them safe so you have proof and evidence.

 

Its her being in a same sex marriage that raises my doubts about a sexual relationship. I have no doubt he is having some kind of emotional affair - which for me is worse. I think if its not sexual he would rationalise what he is doing is fine. Or maybe i am just kidding myself and holding out for evidence that proves a sexual relationship as thats more blakc and white than an emotional one.

 

I have already seen a lawyer, had the house valued, took screen shots etc. Im dithering about whether i have enough to confront him and wanted some objective views i guess. If i am going to turn my and my little boys world upside down i dont want to gove any wriggle room. Staying with him is not an option if he has betrayed me like this. I may well forgive butvid never forget and i am worth more than being that woman who sits at home wondering if he is lying again.

 

Im trying to counter what he will say (lie) to try and make it sound like its ok. He had said in the past that with his staff he will sometimes send responses to them that looks like he cares but really he doesnt. Im not sure when he became so narcissistic.

 

There was a message last night where hed text her saying something like hes feeling low at the moment and for her to bear with him as he feels too fragile to talk about it yet when he came home he was in a really chipper mood. Very ofd behaviour. He must lie to us both interchangeably.

[DancingFool]

Of course he is lying to both of you. I mean that just comes with the territory.

 

As for her being in the same sex relationship, doesn't mean much really. You mentioned that she could be bi, she has been with men before. Could be her marriage is more open. Could be she is simply a cheater herself. Honestly, who or what she isn't doesn't matter here. What matters is what your husband is doing and telling you he gets inappropriate with employees and colleagues and it's just work.....how stupid does he think you are? It's like he is actively grooming you to turn a blind eye on this crap.

 

I don't know....an emotional affair in many ways can be more damaging than just fck'ing someone. Either way, you already know that this isn't acceptable to you, so..... you just have to work up the courage to confront him and be ready for a storm - hysterics, lies, yelling, tears, etc, etc, etc. Whatever you are imagining, figure it will be ten times worse.

[nutbrownhare]

I'm so sorry you're going through this - it sounds absolute ****. You already have more than enough evidence to prove he's having an emotional affair - and as such already has one foot out of the door. You're aware that he's been distant, and while it probably IS job-related, it's much more likely to be about the other woman than any professional stresses.

 

This is not normal chat between colleagues. He may well try and pass it off as nothing, and tell you you're being ridiculous - but both your instincts and the evidence of the texts are telling you that you are not. It's trying to deny and rationalise it which are doing your head in at the moment. You are the only one who knows whether your marriage is really worth saving - and if you don't want to continue living your life like this, you know what you have to do.

[BrotherMister]

As someone whose ex partner had an emotional affair I understand the reluctance to pull the trigger. You know what's going on but just saying the words a loud you can already here the accusations of jealousy, lack of trust and all those things. I realise I had an opportunity to do so and didn't for the same reasons of trying to rationalise it or deny it. At one point I was even told the 'just friends' thing then the next day the confession came. I don't know whether it is best to confront it or not but with hindsight I would have chosen to do so, maybe the relationship would still end but it might have had a better chance surviving if I had been honest with myself and my partner.

[EtrnalOptimist]

As someone who's ex-partner had an emotional affair, I confronted her immediately. But then came the lies, the turning it on me (I'm controlling and manipulative). She even convinced me to go to counselling while it continued. Eventually I pulled the trigger and ended the relationship. Only then did she come clean.

I think you already know there is an emotional affair going on and that, as many have said, is at least as destructive as a physical one. And I think you also already know you have to confront him even though you know he will deny, defend and mitigate.

I am sorry this happening to you. Affairs are often just symptom of a broader problem; either the partner's nature (which won't change), they don't love or respect you enough and entitle themselves to straying, or a mental health issue. If it's the third one, the marriage has a chance to be fixed. Don't be scared of tough decisions if it comes to it