I would love some advice (unable to move past an ex)

[beanpot]

Hello community,

 

It's been a while since I last posted. I used this forum religiously during the initial 3-6 months of the breakup turmoil, but I have not returned to it since then.

 

I am a 33 year old male to preface. I'm not sure if that will make any difference in the story below...

 

It's been a little over 2 years now since the relationship that I was in, the one that I thought would be "the one", ended.

 

I can, without exaggeration, say that I probably still think about her at least once a day. Sometimes more. Sometimes I will dream about her, and when I wake up that dreamy feeling will taint the rest of the morning, and often bleed into the afternoon.

 

She continues to be an ever present thought in my mind.

 

I've been in a new relationship since her for about a year now. I started dating again because I thought that perhaps this would be the best way to move past my ex. Perhaps I started too early, before I was ready?

 

However, it's been just over a year now with my new girlfriend, but I still can't get over my old one.

 

I don't know what to do. I don't know if this a natural part of the process, for it to take this long?

 

We are always told that time heals all wounds. Certainly the acute, heart numbing pain has resolved. But now it's a dull, smoldering sadness during the times when I really start to reminisce.

 

I'm incredibly worried that this will never fade away.

 

My current girlfriend is wonderful. However, I do not feel the degree of love, longing, passion, intimacy, and connection that I did with my ex. This makes me very scared that I will never find the happiness that I am yearning for in a relationship. It makes me scared that I am wasting the time of my current girlfriend if I don't "get my act together".

 

I would love to hear your thoughts. I've spent too much time ruminating on these feelings in my own mind.

 

Very much appreciated everyone.

[Carus]

My current girlfriend is wonderful. However, I do not feel the degree of love, longing, passion, intimacy, and connection that I did with my ex.

I think you've answered your own question there^

 

You just don't feel that same connection with this current GF therefore your mind keeps going back to your ex.

 

I'm not going to suggest you break up with your current GF because maybe you can resolve this and continue on with her...

 

But something has gone amiss somewhere in your grieving process.

 

My suggestion is, if you can afford it, do 6-8 sessions with a good counsellor and tell them that you have unresolved grief that you would like to bring up and deal with..

 

Let us know ok.

Carus*

[DanZee]

Actually, knowing the demographics of the person asking for advice helps. The male perspective is different than the female perspective, and it's important to know that you're not a love-struck teenager and you're more mature than the typical person in their twenties.

 

I'm in a similar situation and I still think about my college sweetheart 40 years later. (Admittedly, the last 10 years or so, not so much.) But it certainly shows why some people look up their high school sweeties when they get divorced or their spouse dies. There's still that strong connection.

 

Now, in any relationship, one partner loves the other partner more. It just happens. In my case, I was so head-over-heels that I didn't see that my girlfriend wasn't feeling it the same way. It may have been your problem too.

 

So you have to examine the problem logically. Your previous relationship is over. It was a once-in-a-lifetime relationship. You have a wonderful girlfriend now. But you are purposely holding back from going all in because of your longing for your ex. If you can deal with your baggage, you can find your current relationship can almost reach that level. Plus intense relationships tend to burn out quickly while slow-burning relationships are the ones that last. If your eventual goal is marriage, you'll find that it's best to have a partner who you can get along with and who is truly a partner rather than someone who's up on a pedestal.

 

Now, I don't know if your present girlfriend is the one for you, but there are a lot of things to consider when you're looking for a steady or permanent relationship, and if she loves you more than you love her, that could be a plus for you. Give her a chance at least, and try to put your ex out of your mind. You won't be able to completely, but try to transfer that love to your present girl.