I KNOW I did the right thing, so why am I hurting so bad?

[mac14701]

October 28 2017

 

Why am I hurting so badly?

 

The front part of my head KNOWS I did the right thing by leaving. She always liked drinking, and I knew that going in. Friends warned me, told me I was getting into something that would end up hurting me in the long run. I knew better. That was the OLD her, with ME in her life she would no doubt clean up and we would live happily ever after.

 

Not so much.

 

A few month into things, we went out and she got herself incredibly drunk. AGAIN. Words are exchanged and I walk out of her house, trudge the a few miles back to my car and drive myself home. The next day she calls and after hours of hand wringing and apologies, she said she had a problem and was willing to get help from a ‘friend’. That was my mistake, rather one mistake on on a long list of mistakes. I should have insisted that she go to AA. I should have done a number of things. I didn’t. I let her ‘talk over her problem with her friend’, and believe her when she said she was getting the help she needed. There were still indications of a deeper problem, but I turned a blind eye to things and savored the time I was having with the ‘sober’ girlfriend.

 

Things got steadily worse. She would drink to the extend that our mutual friends would shoot me a knowing look, saying without words ‘You have your hands full tonight’. She would drink to the point where she would fall down at parties, say things to friends that she would not remember the next day. The writing was on the wall, I saw it, and willfully turned a blind eye to it.

 

We grew closer and, I have to admit it, more and more in love. I loved being in her life and relished having her in mine, as long as she was sober, but what was a string of sober days with an occasional drunk night thrown in slowly turned into a string of drunk nights interspersed with the occasional sober day. Still, I turned a blind eye to what was a growing problem. As they always do, things were coming to a head, and if I am honest with myself, I saw it coming and just tried to wish it away.

 

After spending a week on vacation, she got more drunk that even I had ever seen before. I came down to the restaurant after taking a shower to find her flirting hot and heavy with two men at the bar. I sat down next to her, and the men realized she was with someone, and they backed off. She got mad, saying that I ruined her fun. That was the night that she drank so much that after I put her to bed in one of the beds in the hotel room, she pissed all over her bed, then got up, walked over to the bed I was lying it, and proceed to piss all over THAT bed, with me in it. When confronted with what she had just done, she had a brief moment of lucidity and staggered into the bathroom. I had to get up and get dressed, go to the hotel desk and get two fresh sets of bedding and change both beds. She was still in the bathroom, and after making both beds, I checked on her to find her on the floor, covered in her pee and a bit of . I manage to clean her up as best I could, carried her to bed and tuck her in, with her the entire time calling me names and telling me that I didn’t love her.

 

Once we got home, I knew that I should end things, but when she is sober, she is FANTASTIC. I put all my emphasis on those sober times and worked to live with the drunk time.

 

Things came to a head when she went out on her own for a few meetings, something she had to do regularly. This time though, she hit it hard. She came home staggering and licked into me with a vengeance. I had taken a bunch of apps off my phone, and put on a password protect screen, both things we had talked about just the day before. She was full of venom and accusations about cheating and how I would never love her the way she loved me. That was the end. I just had enough and was more angry than I have been in recent memory. It was a small thing, nothing that she hadn’t said a thousand time before, but this time, for whatever reason, was the straw that broke my back. I was SO angry that, as usual, she chose Smirnoff instead of me. What she was accusing me of wasn't important. The fact that she would not, no that’s unfair, COULD not, say not to the booze no matter how much I begged her to do it suddenly became clear to me. I KNEW I had to get out, and I did. I packed up an overnight bag and went to a hotel. The next day I moved out and got a small apartment. We agreed to keep things civil, and we have. We can speak to one another, ask about family etc, and carry on as adults.

 

2 weeks after we split up, she asks me if I would mind if she brought a date to a party we were both going to attend. I say of course, she has every right to do whatever she wants. I spend the next week agonizing about seeing her with someone else.

 

I did the right thing. I got out of an unhealthy relationship and did what I had to do to move on. My friends all tell me that I did the right thing. Tonight she walks in on the arm of her new boyfriend, and it KILLED me.

 

Why? I remind myself between the tears of all the bad things. All the embarrassing things she did. All the unearned abuse I put up with.

 

So why can’t my brain tell my heart to move on?

[melancholy123]

Yes you did the right thing. This woman needs help and intervention and to go to AA and work the program. You cant make her do it, she has to hit bottom and do it for herself.

 

Your mourn what you could have had if she hadn't been a fall down drunk. You mourn someone who you say is a nice person when sober. But alcohol just ruins people, as you can well see. You miss what you wish you had, not what you actually had.

 

Be kind to yourself, dont beat yourself up. Yes you put up with her for way too long and the damage she did to you will take time to heal itself. Dont have contact with her, in any way.

[Hollyj]

Don't ever enter into a relationship expecting people to change. It is not fair to you, or her.

 

I would address your initial attraction to this dynamic, and co dependency.

[thorough]

You are hurting because you love her, doesn't mean you need to get back together. I broke up w/my 1st love because we were different, that hurt very much, but I knew there was a life of complete misery ahead of me if I stayed. She needs help, your life w/her being an alcoholic will be miserable if you decide to go back. You will feel better over time and there will be another girl you will be able to love again. Good luck and do your best to distract yourself w/friends, hobbies and whatever else gives you positive energy.