Emma874 Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 Ok so my colleague and I are both in relationships but we nearly kissed in March - I stopped it because I didn't want to cheat. Anyway we stayed friends and I thought that was all he wanted but he still texts me a lot and last week this happened all in the same day... - he messaged me to say my hair looked nice - we were at a team outing and he was being annoying and put he hand up to his face to block me out so I pushed it down and he held my fingers for a second - we had a long glance at dinner when he was sitting opposite me - I turned my gaze away as I was embarrassed - he text me as soon as he got in to say thank you for organising and we chatted a bit Am I reading all of these signs wrong or does he like me too? What should I do??? Link to comment
Keyman Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 What should I do??? Ask yourself why you are still with your current partner if you are still hung up on this guy from work and asking strangers on the internet whether you should cheat or not. Link to comment
SweetGirl28 Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 Why do you care? You're in a relationship. Link to comment
caro33 Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 Ok so my colleague and I are both in relationships but we nearly kissed in March - I stopped it because I didn't want to cheat. Anyway we stayed friends and I thought that was all he wanted but he still texts me a lot and last week this happened all in the same day... - he messaged me to say my hair looked nice - we were at a team outing and he was being annoying and put he hand up to his face to block me out so I pushed it down and he held my fingers for a second - we had a long glance at dinner when he was sitting opposite me - I turned my gaze away as I was embarrassed - he text me as soon as he got in to say thank you for organising and we chatted a bit Am I reading all of these signs wrong or does he like me too? What should I do??? Yes, Emma, what are you asking. He may well be interested. But you're both in relationships. Are you asking so you can break up with your partner with a sure sense of what work-guy wants? Link to comment
Emma874 Posted October 24, 2017 Author Share Posted October 24, 2017 Wow ok you guys were all pretty quick to judge. I don't want to cheat hence why I stopped it in March. I can't avoid him because we work closely together so I was asking for advice because I don't know how to handle the situation as I need to continue to be able to work with him. I do care about him a lot but while we are both in relationships I would never act on anything. Yes I am confused, but I am trying to be a good person but I don't know how to broach this situation Link to comment
caro33 Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 Ok, so you're asking if he's interested so that you understand what you're dealing with at work, is that right? Link to comment
caro33 Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 By the way, I think the 'does he like me too' is what might have led people to their conclusions. Link to comment
Keyman Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 Communication is the key. Tell him straight up that you may have had a moment in the past, but in respect of your relationships you are not interesed in anything more. He probably IS interested, just like you are. Link to comment
caro33 Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 My advice is different. I'd say to not say anything at all, and avoid the 'moments'. If it escalates, then you kindly tell him that you're flattered but unavailable. Write a note to yourself documenting the conversation. If he turns toxic then you go to HR and you have your record. If he doesn't, that's great. My concern about communication in the work setting is the potential for misstatements and misuse of statements because people have sore feelings. For example, there's a recent poster here who told her colleague via text that she's not going to sleep with him. He then took it to HR and then they were both in trouble. So don't say or do anything that you couldn't reasonably defend to HR. Link to comment
willdation Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 You really really really need to pay attention to the following - If you play with fire, you will get burned. It is obvious you have feelings for him because you came here to write about it. Let's not deny that...Trust me, I know exactly what is is like.... But here is the thing....the more you talk with this guy (even though you say it is just "friends") the more you will ruin your current relationship. You need to stop ALL communication and not be "friends" as it is not possible....I have been there, and done that....It really is a SUPER common thing.... meet someone you find attractive, feel guilty a bit, the other person keeps writing ya, you say it is just "friends", yet keep wondering what things mean etc. etc., self denial.. If you want to keep your relationship you need to totally stop all communication with this guy and not indulge in it.... If you want to pretend you can just be "friends" then that is your choice..... II actually know a few people here at my work that had feelings for one another, decided to just be "friends" but still wrote with eachother....fast forward....he is sneaking her over to have sex during lunch breaks and his gf came home yesterday during lunch and caught them....he told me this girl is like an addiction to him....its just a downward spiral.... How many guys have you politely turned down in your life? I bet a lot, right? So how come this is sooo different? It is because there are feelings....that is all..... but if you want to consider yourself as honest and moral, then you gotta cut this guy outta your life.... People generally do what they feel emotionally, and use logic to justify it.... You are probably a caring and wonderful person, so I would just 'bite the bullet' so to speak and block this guy.... I too had a super attractive girl from my work try to kiss me and then we decide to be friends and pretend nothing happened....but i KNOW that feelings would develop...i was wondering all the time what things meant...if she was flirting or not.... and I just realized it was all just a bit of infatuation and is not the right path to go down on.... I also was asking for advise if she liked me etc. and the reason was because I actually was attracted to her.....she then invited me to go on a trip with her but I declined because I know it is not appropriate....It is tough! So I wish ya all the best in making the best choice for ya... Link to comment
Emma874 Posted October 24, 2017 Author Share Posted October 24, 2017 @willdation Thank you for your very helpful and insightful reply. I have been denying to myself that I like him... I do. I feel terrible for it as I am a very caring person. My partner and I have been having problems for some time now, mostly because he wants kids and I don't and it is likely we will break up in the near future, so perhaps I am seeking solace in this new guy. I also agree we can't really be friends. It's not like I can ever go and have dinner with him and his girlfriend after what happened and I am attracted to him. I think he is to me too but I may be wrong. For some time I have been struggling to cut him off as it is hard. I care about him but I also don't know how to when I see him most days at work? Do I just not text anymore? Or should I have a frank conversation with him and tell him the texting etc needs to stop and that we just should keep it professional? I did try not texting/seeing him but it didn't really work. One thing I am scared of it that it could actually be something real with this new guy and I guess I'm afraid of losing that chance of being happy, but I know there isn't a real chance right now anyway. As you can probably see I am very emotionally torn and I have been very hard on myself over the last few months as I've been riddled with guilt How do I cut him off without making things awkward? Link to comment
willdation Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 Yeah I know it is tough because I was in pretty much exact situation a few weekends ago and even came here to ask pretty much the same thing Ok, so what I did was just be polite and then just stopped carrying on conversations, and just avoid. I would just not really reply if he writes ya and just be really distant until he gets the hint. You could always just bring up your bf here and there... I found that even though it was incredibly difficult, after a few weeks of no contact I don't even really think about that girl anymore so it is quite a relief! I also wouldn't feel bad or terrible because it is perfectly natural to find someone else attractive I would say that trying to come to terms and deal with it is actually really really great and something not many people would do Link to comment
j.man Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 Infidelity, workplace romance... what could go wrong? I think there are Darwin Awards for this kind of thing. Link to comment
caro33 Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 Please read my post upthread. Work stuff is dangerous, don't do any more texting etc. Link to comment
Emma874 Posted October 27, 2017 Author Share Posted October 27, 2017 Well I've probably just made a bit mess of everything. It's been impossible to not see him, so I went out to the golf range with him as we have occasionally over the last few months and then I had a chat with him. I told him that basically I just was worried about our friendship blurring and that I didn't want to get the wrong idea because of what had happened earlier in the year. He said that when we nearly kissed that we were both in a bad headspace and were seeking support from each other but that now he's committed to his girlfriend and he's generally happy at the moment. That's all fine and I'm glad I asked. But then he text me a while later in the evening to check I was ok so I just reiterated what I said and that I need to take a step back from our friendship. I think he gets it but I'm going to find it so hard because I care about him so deeply and I think he does about me too. I'm going to move out of my house to be away from my partner a bit so I can clear my head from everyone and everything right now. My head is a mess and I don't want to be a bad person. I love my boyfriend, but I also love my colleague. I just don't know in what way I love either of them and actually know I probably just need to be on my own right now. Link to comment
caro33 Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 That sounds difficult, and that you've made the right decision. Things will clear up for you but it makes sense that you need to be out of any romantic relationship for a little while until you're clear. Please don't text or email any more though, certainly not anything personal like this to a work colleague. Link to comment
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