How long did it take you to truly be happy again with your significant other after a break of trust?

[florida1995]

I am currently in just a really bad rough patch with my boyfriend after our first year and a half rocky past. Since last October, my boyfriend has been amazing and really a changed man. Despite all this, I am still really caught up and hurt from his past actions. My boyfriend NEVER physically or mentally abused me, the man has never even called me a bad name before or screamed at me. And my boyfriend has not technically cheated on me (he has done things during some short break ups we have had).

 

I have figured out that I tend to victimize myself and hold my self to a very great standard, which is what I think is causing me to always think "I deserve better than a guy that was a total ***hole over a year ago. He is trying so hard to prove to me he's changed. He's been honest with me, communicated with me more, does everything for me, he even went ahead and fixed all the issues that were causing us a year + ago to always break up. He doesn't go out without me anymore, he dropped his fraternity because he knew that they were a bad influence, and despite all this.... I am still sitting here telling myself "I deserve someone that never hurt me". This is my first relationship so I think the reason I think this way is because its my first time being vulnerable. My first time really having to forgive someone(honestly before my boyfriend I would never forgive anyone, I would just stop talking to them, which is horrible). My first time realizing that no body is perfect and people make mistakes and are capable of change.

 

My boyfriend and I are sooo young (21) been dating since we were 18, so all these mistakes happened when we were 19-20 like obviously who doesn't make mistakes at that age. My boyfriend keeps telling me that what he did in the past is not a reflection of who he is and it was just a phase and he's learned so much from it and ultimately its brought him closer to me and he was really able to realize how much he loved me after all of this. He says he's grown and he's so young and he was stupid and immature. I know my boyfriend is wiling to do anything to fix this relationship, even go to our university counselor (which I think we are going to try) maybe she can get my head straight. But right now I am REALLY struggling. I can't keep mentioning all the messed up things he did to me to him, bringing things up constantly, and pretty much driving both of us INSANE. I don't want to lose the great guy I have now over the mistakes he made so young and so early in our relationship, if what I have now is such a great man.

 

I know some of you are going to ask what exactly he did so: yes, he hooked up with a girl the first time we broke up and never told me despite me asking. he broke up with me in the middle of a party very drunk and got a girls number within an hour. he broke up with me over a text once, he drunk texted the girl he hoooked up with while we were fighting (he wrote "hey" and then decided he wasn't going to text her so he blocked her, and he AGAIN hooked up with someone the day we broke up (lied about it AGAIN until recently 4 months ago when he

 

I know I am not crazy and these are all things that aren't right and I shouldn't have stayed with him, but I did. And everything happens for a reason and look at the amazing man I have now! He tells me he did these things because it was our first year in college and he thought he was so cool and so many girls wanted him and his dad was telling him not to settle and enjoy life that he's so young and that I was driving him crazy and his friends were influencing him to be single and ULTIMATELY he just was always conflicted if he wanted a girlfriend, so when he would get drunk or break up with me he would think "f it" Im young, I am not dealing with this, Im going to have fun. I know he's realized what he was doing was wrong and he was being so stupid and immature and I couldn't be happier that he's changed.

 

Any Advice please? I really don't want "you should break up with him" advice because we live together and have big plans the next couple of months and I love who he is now and how he's changed for me and I just want to be happy.

 

Thank you!!!!

[1Love1]

This question doesn't really have a helpful answer because there are too many variables to factor in. Everyone's answers would be vastly different because every relationship is different. 1 person would break up and never look back if they were in your shoes, another might stick it out and break up later because the damage was just irreparable, or another person would be able to move past it and live happily ever ever. It's just impossible to compare stories because people have different tolerance levels and ways of dealing with things.

 

I was in your shoes once - lived together, talked about the future as we were trying to move forward. But I couldn't do it. I realized that it wasn't something I wanted. I wanted someone who would know what I was worth to them at all points of our relationship, not just when they finally felt like I was important enough. I found that with someone else and we've been together for a decade, despite getting together at such a young age (19).

 

It all comes down to you and if you truly feel like it's nothing more than a blip in your relationship. The only way to determine how much time it'll take to figure that out is to ride it out if you're up for it.

[thealchemist]

Trust isn't about time so you can't try to equate it to a length of time.

 

I must say that if you two weren't together then he didn't cheat on you.

 

I would be more concerned about the frequency of breaking up and lying.

 

I'm 30 and have been with my wife since 17. We never broke up in any capacity during that time. I dont have much faith in relationships that frequently end and start back up.

 

Ask yourself what he would have to do to prove himself to you. If you don't think there is anything he can do to get your trust back I think it is time to end it.

 

Sometimes a toxic chunk of time in a relationship is enough to taint it forever, regardless of how long it isn't toxic.

[florida1995]

This question doesn't really have a helpful answer because there are too many variables to factor in. Everyone's answers would be vastly different because every relationship is different. 1 person would break up and never look back if they were in your shoes, another might stick it out and break up later because the damage was just irreparable, or another person would be able to move past it and live happily ever ever. It's just impossible to compare stories because people have different tolerance levels and ways of dealing with things.

 

I was in your shoes once - lived together, talked about the future as we were trying to move forward. But I couldn't do it. I realized that it wasn't something I wanted. I wanted someone who would know what I was worth to them at all points of our relationship, not just when they finally felt like I was important enough. I found that with someone else and we've been together for a decade, despite getting together at such a young age (19).

 

It all comes down to you and if you truly feel like it's nothing more than a blip in your relationship. The only way to determine how much time it'll take to figure that out is to ride it out if you're up for it.

 

 

I'm glad to know you were in my situation at one point. I feel like I have no idea if I can move on from this or not because I found out about the indiscretions July 31st. So it hasn't even been 3 months. After 4 weeks of finding out I became happy again and saw a future. We even just went to Vegas for my birthday and it was the best time. I was truly happy with him. Then we got back to school and idk if it's because I have nothing to think about when I'm bored or not busy so I OBSESS about it and overthink everything. I find if we're drinking, hanging out with friends, or doing something in general I'm typically happy with him and love him very much. But when I'm alone in my thoughts, I think constantly do I want this? Can I get over this? Why didn't he appreciate me in the beginning? Why am I with someone that EVER hurt me? Even if he is amazing now.

 

In your situation, how long did you give yourself to decide that you finally wanted OUT? Was the situation like mine? Specifically in that what you found out was 1-2 years old and your boyfriend was very different now. I feel like I was very happy with my boyfriend even in the times that we were breaking up constantly because we were so young and it was always over stupid things and we would get back in 3-7 days always. I wish I would've LEFT back then. But the issue is that he's NOT this guy anymore. Did your guy change? He's proven me to the last YEAR that he's changed not just 3 months. Yes the honesty came 3 months ago and that's because he decided he wanted to be honest with me about the mistakes he made while we weren't together and he wanted to take this relationship to the next level and move in together with just "good memories".

 

In summary, at the moment in not sure if I can deal with it. Idk if with time I will be so happy and accepting. Or if with time I'll still feel this way. I want to know how long you gave it before you realized it just wasn't going to happen. And also again if when this happened, was your boyfriend the same guy he was at the time of the incidents. The only think keeping me on this relationship is the fact that he's changed so much to prove to me how much he loves me. I really couldn't ask for a better CURRENT boyfriend.

[florida1995]

Trust isn't about time so you can't try to equate it to a length of time.

 

I must say that if you two weren't together then he didn't cheat on you.

 

I would be more concerned about the frequency of breaking up and lying.

 

I'm 30 and have been with my wife since 17. We never broke up in any capacity during that time. I dont have much faith in relationships that frequently end and start back up.

 

Ask yourself what he would have to do to prove himself to you. If you don't think there is anything he can do to get your trust back I think it is time to end it.

 

Sometimes a toxic chunk of time in a relationship is enough to taint it forever, regardless of how long it isn't toxic.

 

That's the problem. I'm not sure it would take anything because he really has proven to me that he is so different. He has changed tremendously and has never broken up with me again in over a year, doesn't get drunk which is what would cause all the incidents, and he's honestly the best boyfriend at the current moment. And i DO trust him right now to not do those things to me ever again... because I just KNOW and FEEL that he really loves me now. It's like day and night. He treats me like the best thing in the world.

 

I just can't get over the past and I want to move forward and enjoy how he is NOW so much. I love him & I know he loves me so differently now. And you are right it's only the lying I am worried about to be honest... and not that I think he's lying about ANYTHING in the present..I only question if there is more to the past that I don't know. Which shouldn't be holding me back from life.... I just want to be like "I have this new man. And he has changed and I trust him now. Whatever happened in the past I don't want to know because he's not that man anymore. Let's move forward" WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT.

[thealchemist]

That's the problem. I'm not sure it would take anything because he really has proven to me that he is so different. He has changed tremendously and has never broken up with me again in over a year, doesn't get drunk which is what would cause all the incidents, and he's honestly the best boyfriend at the current moment. And i DO trust him right now to not do those things to me ever again... because I just KNOW and FEEL that he really loves me now. It's like day and night. He treats me like the best thing in the world.

 

I just can't get over the past and I want to move forward and enjoy how he is NOW so much. I love him & I know he loves me so differently now. And you are right it's only the lying I am worried about to be honest... and not that I think he's lying about ANYTHING in the present..I only question if there is more to the past that I don't know. Which shouldn't be holding me back from life.... I just want to be like "I have this new man. And he has changed and I trust him now. Whatever happened in the past I don't want to know because he's not that man anymore. Let's move forward" WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT.

Then I would see a counselor to help you. That might be your best course. You seem pretty sure and determined but just can't.