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Questioning my decision to break up with my ex


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I'm 30 years old and recently ended a two year relationship with my now ex girlfriend. It wasn't a clear cut decision and I'm now struggling to establish whether or not I've made the right decision or a big mistake.


I have had a number of serious relationships in my life and I have never got on with any of them as well as I got on with my ex girlfriend. However, in the same token, I have never argued with another as much as we argued.


We met at work two years ago. It took us about 6 months to full commit to the relationship. She had a previously relationship with a colleague, plus was still in contact with an ex, so it was a slow start!


During the relationship I definitely fell in love with her, but I'm not sure it was the deep love I'd imagine feeling for a future wife. Whenever I said "I love you" I felt as though I could mean it more deeply.


We work together. We go to the same gym. I have my own flat and she stayed at mine 4 or 5 nights a week. I felt a little bit smothered. However, now I don't have her - I miss her a lot.


During the relationship I often wondered whether she was "the one". She's at a stage in her life where she wants marriage and children relatively soon. I also felt a little bit pressured and didn't have the burning feeling to commit to marrying and having children with her. I never felt like I had found "the one". At the same time, I did love her and we had a strong relationship. We liked the same things, had the same interests. I never got bored of her company.


She went to Australia for work for two months and I didn't feel I missed her as much as I should. She would call me twice a day and want to talk on the phone for hours. If I wanted to go after about an hour she would get upset. She was lonely and isolated over there, with no friends - so I understand why she needed to talk to me so often, but it meant I didn't miss her as much as I think I should have.


About two months ago we had an argument and I decided to end the relationship. We had been arguing a fair bit and I saw it as an opportunity to get out of the relationship. At first I felt a weight had been lifted off my shoulder, but after a couple of weeks I started to miss her dearly and question my decision.


We work together, in the same office, so everyday I am reminded of her. We thankfully aren't in the same team, but we sat very close to each other.


She now really doesn't like me, as she thinks I have given her false hope of getting back to together. I have been questioning my decision a bit and she knows I have doubts.


I'm now questioning whether I would feel something is missing with any girlfriend. I think I have loved deeper before, but that was my first love when I was 18 and I don't think that really carries the same weighting as an adult relationship? She's a very attractive and fun girl. She loved me deeply and I don't know clear cut why I ended it. I thought it was better not to waste her time, as I had an underlying feeling we wouldn't get married and I know that's something she wants soon.


I know I now need to go no contact and let her get on with her life now. She already dating other people. In particular there is one guy she's been on a couple of dates with. We're going to go no contact to allow her to properly move on.


Can't help but questioning my decision. Such a nice, attractive, popular women who loved me very much! Yet, it wasn't enough? Maybe the chemistry wasn't there for a long term partnership.


I just needed to write down my thoughts and get any advice. I'm in a bit of a dark place at the moment. Working with her is slightly torturous. I'm in a good position at a great company, so I would be a foul to leave because of this.


Thanks for listening.

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I think you are right when you say the chemistry just wasn't really there on your side.


She could be a wonderful woman, but not the woman for you. It sounds as though you miss the companionship, but know that you don't really miss the relationship, so to speak. So when you start to get those pangs, remember how you felt while you were actually with her: not all that enthusiastic or invested in a future together.


I think you made the correct decision to end it.

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Sounds like you didn't get to experience the longing that is so necessary for men to realize they're in love. I think you should go 6-8 weeks without contact. If you truly love her but didn't know it because she smothered you, it will become crystal clear within that time period and you can stop second guessing yourself. If you don't really love her, best to let her find some other partner while she has time.

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