TheStruggleIsR Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 Everything was going great... Great communication .. even in dificult times... Great fun.. goofy times... Great sex... All around seeming good. I am the kind of girl... Idk.. a guy always seems to "fall" first... With the "I love you" and all that. With this one... I was there myself... For the first time in three years after a decade long marriage and bad divorce with him cheating and then trying to control my life...and every aspect about our kids he never cared about before. After a great weekend we both needed... Just doing nothing... But talking and making love... Goofing and playing round and just absorbing each other and being so... In a good place... Later that eveing.. once we were already back to the reality of our lives. .. him back at his house.. and me having picked up my kids after a weekend with their dad... And we were talking about how nice the weekend was and how into each other on so very many levels we were... He asked how the kids were. I stated some comments they had made (getting made fun of by their step mom.. and well. Etc etc. Led to us talking on their feelings. Which wasn't new. He always offered to try and help me understand the "split k Home kid mentality with the good and the bad issues") ONE conversation about my kids dad and what he thought should be my actions... And me agreeing... And all of a sudden..... Weirdness. I was mid sentence in a calm convo... And he dismissed himself... Saying he had to go to bed... Which he needed to and I get that.. but I started to respond and he hung up. A full day of ignoring... (Well there was like three texts in short response to my wondering what happened... but nothing that clarfied anything)... I basically told him we HAD to talk on the phone... It was crazy wrong the way he was acting... He said ok...after not responding ding for an hour... But.. with a stipulation I couldn't bring up last nite... Bc he was "over it". We talked a few min and I said I can't say tis or that.. (cause he texted me that if I did mention last nite he would say goodnite) He said... Just go ahead and talk about it... So we lightly skimmed the surface.... And his response was... "I'm just being me.. and I just need space sometimes"....(without even stating they needed it) was an emotional roller coaster.... To which he said he wouldn't even say he was sorry for... But was over it and considered us ..''just fine".... ***And that I may need to consider weither I could handle RANDOM moments of just COMPLETE DISCONNECT... cause it's just how they are... And then they are fine and over it and things are back to normal (except....they weren't) I was hurt and they were not acting like their normal self... Tried to be understanding and cool and wanted to at least talk on the phone about it... Two days of bearly having interaction... With them saying.. they were not goin anywhere... If they were still "talking" they were still interested in moving forward. Like nite and day attitude/interaction though... Which isn't something i can just dismiss Come to say.... They think I can't handle a relationship right now bc of the issues my kids are facing. I let them know my take... They got scared and made up reasons to push me away (the kids dad convo was all info they already knew for some time now) They just need to think....and step back... Was their response. Changed fb status to single (I seriously hate fb) and unfriended me. I told them how strong they were pushing me into trusting them and wanting them as a part of my life... and then do a 180... while we were seemingly doing great... And that i wouldnt want to be with anyone that didn't KNOW they wanted to be with me. All this was calm convo.. no barking... I simply gave him my take.. and after nearly three days of sporadic yoyo interest... I just went to bed... Woke up to a ... "I'll always be there...as a friend... For now" I didn't text back... I get "morning.... How'd u sleep" texts the next day.... And a pic (Update... Didn't respond to the pic.. but had responded to the morning and sleep question... Just short response... Idk what to say to a pic.... I'm thinking... "Why would I want a pic of this 'single dude' "... I was crazy busy .. and they asked WRYD after a few hours... and I told them.. i was at the school taking my daughter a change of clothes for cross country... An hour later...they sent me a goofy cute pic and I was in a meeting and didn't get it for 15 min.. and then they were annoyed bc I didn't respond... I let them know I was Inna meeting.. and ACTUALLY used this time to ask... "Oh... By the way... So . Why did you unfriend me from fb.. like... You have anyone and everyone on there"... Bad choice... Since they blew up a lil and said they don't know why fb is such a big deal.... I told them it wasn't. I am very forward... It came to mind and I asked...period. (and it seemed shaddy... Since they wanted to "still be friends") WOW was the response to that... And I just told then they were over thinkin it. Anyways... A short convo (all initiated by them.. I didn't text them first all day.. even after I didn't text back...on the pics.... I waited till they texted me. They ended up saying they still care about me.. but just aren't "relationship ready" atm... Hmmmm.... And I should have known... I told them.. " how could I have.. you presented yourself as looking for a serious relationship... Was beyond wanting to meet my kids and I took you at your word of what you were looking for/ready for" . They said they were sorry for hurting me.. and still cared... I didn't respond back for a while... And told them.. I can't say it's "ok" but I wouldn't use this to try and tear them.down as a person.. bc I really still cared about them as well. ............ Went to bed. No "goodnite.s" just sporadic back and forth. "Morning sexy... How'd u sleep" (ugh... I don't like guys I'm not dating talking to me like that.. and he knows it... Just throws more mixed signals...) "Mornin'... Who needs sleep.. lol". .... He says he needs cuddles... I say.. "riiiiiite". He goes on to explain cuddles...good cuddle like we used to... SMH I don't know how long I can feel in this odd limbo) Wth is wrong with people.. I don't know why ANY guy that would need to " think "... By taking a relationship status down (that is like a given and bold statement to me) as well as unfriending... Come on.. he was the type that befriended ANYTHING on his FB before meeting me... I am lost I am disconnected a bit... Wish I was moreso He had met my kids... And just made me feel so safe and loved like no one has... But I'm not chasing someone... I made it clear for three days i wanted to fix whatever his secret issue was... But I don't see how I can be friends with him... Especially with him being a fb junkie (especially before meeting me... although he had since cleaned up and cleared off as well as didn't spend much time at all on there anymore) and unfriending me off there. To me that screams..... Shaddy Link to comment
ella20 Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 I would not entertain any of his texts....step back and see what happened....by being there and ping pong texting , you are torturing yourself and he doesn't get any more clarity ....be out of the picture, ignore texts and see if he likes it Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 Sounds like he's up for booty if you're willing to be it. How long were you actually dating before he turned about face on you? Link to comment
TheStruggleIsR Posted October 14, 2017 Author Share Posted October 14, 2017 Ugh... You are right....ella.. Being available... On what ever level he chooses... When he doesn't want to settle the issues he has to "think on" ..but wants to still interact onna "fun" level is... So torturous. Link to comment
TheStruggleIsR Posted October 14, 2017 Author Share Posted October 14, 2017 That was then.... Ugh... I really can't stand when guys are like this.... It is all too common and youre probably right... Two months... Very intense getting to know each other process in the begining... It really kinda fast forwarded us to a deeper level of connection quickly.. I was always level headed and open to his possible need to think about what he was getting himself into... And he was always so understanding and ok with it.. made me feel safe.. and like get derstood me and what I was goin through more then anyone ever had... To me it is simple... He is scared shi*less of letting someone in to his deeper thoughts and issues...(which he has said...) Or he is a complete douchebag... That can turn feelings off and on like a switch... With no remorse to what the other person's reaction to it is (which is all too common as well) The latter is just so unlike any other aspect of his personality... So I feel like that is what makes this situation harder to read for me. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 I got lost. How did 'he' turn into a 'they'? Link to comment
TheStruggleIsR Posted October 14, 2017 Author Share Posted October 14, 2017 I was very emotional when I wrote this... He/they .... This situation only invovles one guy... Sorry for the confusion Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 That was then.... Ugh... I really can't stand when guys are like this.... It is all too common and youre probably right... Two months... Very intense getting to know each other process in the begining... It really kinda fast forwarded us to a deeper level of connection quickly.. I was always level headed and open to his possible need to think about what he was getting himself into... And he was always so understanding and ok with it.. made me feel safe.. and like get derstood me and what I was goin through more then anyone ever had... To me it is simple... He is scared shi*less of letting someone in to his deeper thoughts and issues...(which he has said...) Or he is a complete douchebag... That can turn feelings off and on like a switch... With no remorse to what the other person's reaction to it is (which is all too common as well) The latter is just so unlike any other aspect of his personality... So I feel like that is what makes this situation harder to read for me. Two months! You didn't even know who he was at that point. For all you know he has major mental illness or he's an ax murderer who vacated your life because he had an urge to axe on you so he left instead. The more likely scenario is that he's married and when the conversation abruptly ended, his wife walked into the room. Or: He was just not up to all the drama of your children, your ex and any other unresolved baggage. ... and please, do not introduce a man to your children to anyone you've gotten involved with at the two month mark... like I said, at that point you don't even know him and he could be a pedophile. You'll be fine once you rehab from the lust and the oxytocin rush. Keep it real, sis... if you don't want to end up just being booty, then don't allow yourself to be booty. Link to comment
TheStruggleIsR Posted October 14, 2017 Author Share Posted October 14, 2017 Fyi.... I have been divorced for alllllmost four years and have dated and never introduced guys to my kids... Infact they are unaware I have even dated. They are older and more observant now... And I don't lie to them. They noticed my phone habits changing and such and asked me point blank... And I clued them in... Just a little bit. (Like... yes.. it was a guy.. and yes I liked them.. but we were in the process of just getting to know each other... and used the opertunity to explain how relationship steps often went. As well as ...yes.. he was the only person I was showing interest in...and thats how i believe getting to know someone should work.... They had a million questions... I asnswered only a small handful) They didn't need to know all the details. He went camping with us... about a month and a half in..... One of the five days I had my kids on a camping Vaca... He is DEFINITELY not married.... I have been to his house... And just because I had him around my kids didn't mean I left him.to babysit... And as far as not knowing someone.... I was married for ten yrs and can honestly say... I didn't know my ex-husband at all. You only know someone as much as they allow you. My point in saying this... I believe there are many implications with what you stated.... We are all human... And sometimes taking a chance.... Feels RIGHT. That being said... Often taking a chance... Backfires in our faces.... But I won't take a label as some selfish mom that drags guys in and out of her kids life. I feel regretful enough of that choice. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 A dating experience failing after two short months. Try to look at it as a *disappointment* that it didn't pan out rather then the life altering experience you've talked yourself into it being. I mean no disrespect when I try to straight shoot you right out of your denial that this wasn't just a dating experience that failed to ignite into the flame you hoped it would. Dating is to find out if who you were physically attracted to is someone you could spend the rest of your life with. It was just realized that this was a situation that he would not be able to sustain. It happens and that is why it is a good boundary to have in that you don't put your all into it so quickly. I wish you luck in your next adventure in dating. Do try to keep your dating as a separate entity until you know for sure that the man is in it for the long haul. Your children will be better off for it in the long run. Link to comment
TheStruggleIsR Posted October 14, 2017 Author Share Posted October 14, 2017 I know you mean well... But honestly.... Look at the statistics of people that are together....1..3...5..10..15 yrs and break up. You can never know... For certain when someone is in it for the long haul.... You can only go off what they say and how safe they make you feel in their actions and how you interact in general. Of course I will be more garded.... It took four yrs to even take that chance... And it's not because I wasn't in some extended relationships... Js Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 You know they are in it for the long haul when their actions show you that they care for you past what you give them in the bedroom... when they show you that they value you, when their actions match their words. You can't know if their words are true in two short months. Don't be guarded, be dating savvy and take your time letting yourself become vulnerable to them. People want to be with people who are carefree and happy and have checked at least most of their past relationship baggage. The more we "confide" our troubles to a romantic interest, the more subconsciously we give them importance. Try to refrain from making him more important then he's actually earned in actions. No, you can never know for certain but jumping in as if you do know for certain at two months will end you up shredding your own heart more times then not. Anyway, Like I said, you'll be fine, I do wish you luck next time. Learn from the experience and go on that much more dating savvy. Link to comment
TheStruggleIsR Posted October 14, 2017 Author Share Posted October 14, 2017 Thank you.... You make good points... And I appreciate most of them.. no doubt. It wasn't about sex... We didn't even get into that till almost the end of our relationship.... The way he is still texting me... I think he would really like to pull the whole FWB .. even though we both had said we in no way are into that. I think I have a few lessons to learn in this.... The biggest one for me is going to be not letting this effect furture experiences where a guy might actually really be a good guy. (in no way did this guy come off as only looking for sex... Although now... It seems like he was... Not from his previous actions.... but the ones he is showing currently...as in distant and sportic filrt... and mentioning wouldn't mind doin this or that.... *Today texting......Ugh. I don't even have a response....it's quite discusting to me) Link to comment
lark265 Posted October 15, 2017 Share Posted October 15, 2017 I would not entertain any of his texts....step back and see what happened....by being there and ping pong texting , you are torturing yourself and he doesn't get any more clarity ....be out of the picture, ignore texts and see if he likes it I agree with this......his texts are mean, and he is aware of that......he isn't "committing" right now but also doesn't want to lose her altogether...........I've done that - not proud of it Link to comment
TheStruggleIsR Posted October 15, 2017 Author Share Posted October 15, 2017 I agree with this......his texts are mean, and he is aware of that......he isn't "committing" right now but also doesn't want to lose her altogether...........I've done that - not proud of it I actually just so over it (not over it....just over hurting and being run down and feeling played with) it's been a week... And today I asked... After several texts from.him.... .................. Just straight forward... ................... "What are you expecting to get out of this interaction between us...where are you wanting this to go?" I told him.... It's my birthday (he knew but never made mention.. even though last sat weafe.plans for this sat ...which we both realized were off... Without talking about it) Anyway.. it's my bday ... And you could just do me.the favor of just being really real with me.... I'm not saying you "owe it to me" or anything.... So don't go all outrageous.... I'm simply asking... In your mind... What are you hoping to get out of continuing to sorta kinda interact.... .... How you left things ( like abruptly being done.. sorta kinda... But still maybe be friends...for now... But you flirt and bring up past stuff and hott dreams) There is no "wrong answer" It's a ... "What do you want"...kinda question. Flirty friends... Boredom buddies... FWB.... I'm just tryin to still grasp where your at (cause honestly... Youre kinda .... All over the place... Sporadically) Just as a mutual respect/care for each other... I don't think it's odd to ask such a direct question. ................. His response. .................. "I'm working my self up and just trying to talk and be silly with you" That litterally makes zero sense to me. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted October 15, 2017 Share Posted October 15, 2017 ................. His response. .................. "I'm working my self up and just trying to talk and be silly with you" That litterally makes zero sense to me. Stop allowing him to emotionally abuse you and put himself in your brain. He's a player... that's all there is to it. Block and delete him so that he can't play with you any longer. He's not on the same page as you and now he's just spinning his science on you. Love yourself enough to block his BS. Link to comment
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