I messed up and need help in getting him back!

[Andy29]

Hello,

 

I am a gay man. My bf broke up with me about a month ago. We had a very loving relationship but we used to fight a lot as we both have anger issues. We were both insecure and controlling. But we loved each other a lot without a doubt. We would make up after every argument. He is a very very sweet guy and would go above and beyond to do things for me. I was the same way to him.

 

We have had a couple of big fights few days before the breakup. He broke up with me and put all the blame on me in anger. I know he didn’t mean it. It was over the phone. I drove up to his place to reconcile but he wouldn’t listen and we broke up. We were both crying a lot. Two days later he texted me to ask how i was doing. I thought maybe he wants to get back so i asked him again to patch up and ge refused saying he doesn’t feel capable of loving me. And said that we are both Type A personalities and are incompatible. I decided that I won’t contact him again. After a few days he kept texting me asking me general questions to which i would reply. After a few days, i went on a business trip to new york and oosted pictures with a friend. He got jealous and asked me if i moved on already because he has not. I told him its just a friend in the pictures. He asked me for dinner and i said i will have dinner with him when i get back. We planned for sunday. Two days before the dinner, he came and hugged me at a volleyball game (we both play volley at the same place but in different courts every friday) . When he hugged me, i gave a very cold reaction because i was surprised why is he hugging me. He was sweet but i was very cold with my responses. He went away and texted me saying “you didn’t seem very happy to see me” to which i replied “well i was surprised as I wasn’t expecting it”. That sunday, i knew he was mad and he canceled dinner because of my cold reaction at volleyball. I asked to meet for coffee and we met. We both cried and i told him that i wanted to be with him but I can’t be with him just as friends. I told him how depressed i was and also had suicidal thoughts when he left me. He burst out in tears thinking i was suicidal. We concluded that we will both take a week to think if we want to be together and meet on Saturday for dinner with our decisions. But in only two days, i was anxious and called him crying at my place. He came running thinking that i was suicidal but i had told him that i was not suicidal at all. He said that he can’t be with me because he thinks that we are incompatible. This was one month after the breakup. I told him that if he doesn’t want to be with me then i cant be friends with him.

 

I really love him and we haven’t contacted each other since that day. I know he loves me a lot but is afraid that we can’t be together as we fight a lot.

Do i have a chance to get him back? I really really love him!

[DancingFool]

First of all, you didn't mess up. That said, I think you do need to consider that perhaps he is correct that the two of you just aren't compatible. Sometimes, love just isn't enough to make things work and this sounds like that case. When you are with someone who is right for you, genuinely compatible with you, you simply won't fight that much, the relationship will be mostly easy instead of mostly difficult. Constant fighting is a very big indication that you are with the wrong person for you, regardless of how much you love each other. The core personality conflict won't go away and all the fighting will make things toxic and exhausting.

[SweetGirl28]

I don't see that all hope is lost here.

 

Yes, You can get back together, but only if you both agree on taking a break, not seeing other people,

and set a time limit on that break. And that will mean no contact or limited contact during that time.

Reason being you both need to accept your faults, work on your anger, and work on conflict resolution.

If you are in contact that will be difficult to do.

 

There are anger management classes , look into taking them. Both of you, but not together.

There are also self esteem workshops. I also think if after taking a break and working on

yourselves, that if you do decide to get back together, you should go to couples therapy.

 

It does appear you both care for one another deep,y.

Please work on the suicidal thoughts, call a hotline or get support.

No one is worth ending your life over. You don't want him to come back to you because

he is afraid you will harm yourself. You want him to come back to you because he sees

that you can be a strong and happy person without him. That will attract him back.

 

I wish you the best

[Andy29]

Hello,

 

I have taken anger management classes already. The sad part is that we both have started hooking up with other people. I waited fora while but then gave up until he came back texting me. When we met, he told me he has hooked up with other guys. I have hooked up too. I have already started my counseling and I am working on myself. I really love him very dearly. I want him to want me back, not out of pity, but out of love. I know there is very little hope. But i strongly feel for him. Will no contact work? I am constantly improving myself. One weird thing happened, now that his friends know that we are not together, his friends have started hitting on me and I have declined them all. All I want to be with is my ex. But I know waiting for him is not a good idea.

[SweetGirl28]

Hello,

 

I have taken anger management classes already. The sad part is that we both have started hooking up with other people. I waited fora while but then gave up until he came back texting me. When we met, he told me he has hooked up with other guys. I have hooked up too. I have already started my counseling and I am working on myself. I really love him very dearly. I want him to want me back, not out of pity, but out of love. I know there is very little hope. But i strongly feel for him. Will no contact work? I am constantly improving myself. One weird thing happened, now that his friends know that we are not together, his friends have started hitting on me and I have declined them all. All I want to be with is my ex. But I know waiting for him is not a good idea.

 

Aww, sweetie, it's okay. This can still be saved if you both want it.

But you both do truly have to want it.

Right now he's saying no, but he does care, so all hope is not lost.

It's when the attraction and emotional attachment disappear that it's a done deal.

 

You both hooked up, that's good in a way because it wasn't just you or him that did.

Smart to decline offers from his friends. I had my ex bfs friends hitting on me and

refused them because if ever we try to get back together I know that would be a deal breaker.

 

Go no contact. But let him know you are doing it.

The last thing you want is for him to wonder why you disappeared when you have had contact already.

You can let him know you are doing this to better yourself, and to be in a healthy place in life.

He will respect you for it. Words don't mean a lot, people like to see action. If after your set period

of no contact, you can show yourself to be in a better place emotionally, it will be attractive to him.

And remember what most likely drew you to one another in the first place----attraction. Physical, and

I'm certain you were fun and happy. For him to see you having fun and being happy without him

will catch his eye again if he wants to try the relationship over again.

 

If he doesn't, you've still improved yourself and can be happy moving forward.

I'm one month into NC with my ex, and it helped because being friend zoned was very painful.

I know he won't reach out to me, but every day NC makes me want him a little less.

If he misses you during NC, he is going to reach out to you.

[Andy29]

Thank you so much! I think he has pretty much made up his mind to not be with me. It's sad. I have been blaming myself for all the times I was mad at him. I am in a lot of guilt. I just feel like the break up is all my fault. I don't think I can ever forgive myself.

[SweetGirl28]

It's normal to self blame. It does not help to worry about the past though.

It can't be changed. All any of us can do is make for a better future.

 

You need to forgive yourself for mistakes you made. No one is without error.

 

Life is hard. Some tough lessons are learned , but they are meant to make us stronger and wiser.

 

If this relationship is lost, keep hope that you will find love again.

It's hard to believe when you're hurting, but time really does heal all wounds.

 

Although you are in pain and despair right now, the day will come when another is going

to make your heart skip a beat!