Finding life so lonely without her

[coolcol]

My girl left me nearly 3mths ago and I have tried to get over her and move on but I find each day is getting worse, I miss her so much and my heart is so broken I am loosing my grip on life.

 

We were together 3 years until she left me saying she fell out of love with me. At first I tried to put a brave face on everything.....We have a young son together who is 18mth old (she is 29yr) so I still have contact with her on a weekly basis.

 

Unfortunately I fell into the trap of incouraging her to have sex with me on a weekly basis, which she agreed with me providing there was no effort on my part to try to win her back..... and seeing as this is my only chance to be with her and hold her tight etc I jumped at the chance.

 

She tells me she never thinks we will ever work in the future and doesnt mind staying friends and letting me take her out once a week for a drink then have sex at mine later, but does not want anything else from this so-called friendship.

 

I had another post on this site about sex with my ex and realised then I am living my life in limbo not moving on and missing her more each day making my life worse, but I cannot help myself...i l still love her so very much.

 

You would think a 6ft 43 yr old man could cope with emotional stress such as a girlfiend leaving me but after 3 mths I am sadly at the end of my inner strength, I sometimes get so depressed living on my own I often feel like calling it a day and ending my sad existence (but the fact i have kids stops me....so i am caught in a trap!)....all my life has been taken out of me , my son and stepdaughter, my beautiful girl all gone, now I live on my own in an empty house with an empty and broken heart, with no real friends or anyone who wants to listen to my sorry life story.

 

I have (trust me) rang the ''Samaritans'' twice to just talk with someone about this problem. (thats how sad and desperate i am!)

 

I realise we probibly wont ever get back and I try and look to the future but somedays I just cry and cry like some big baby kid.

 

I have been on this site for a few months and have even gave advice to help others.....its easy sometimes to see the way out or whats best for someone else but when it comes to my problem I am totally helpless.....

 

I have tried to be strong, move-on, etc......but I just do not have the will anymore to live without her , she doesnt know how I feel Because I hide my true feelings from her( the last thing I want is for her to see me not coping and crying all the time! ).

 

How the hell can I survive this....I used to think I was strong but this has destroyed my very soul, spirit and heart...I am nothing more than a useless broken man with no real desire to live like this much longer.

 

Anyone tell me how to kill or cure myself!...Am in a real living hell here.

 

Sorry for such a long post.Colin.

[Cool Lemonade]

I can not know exactly how you are feeling, but I can relate a bit. I had a friendship with an individual from my past by emailing each other, and after awhile he or she stopped replying back to my emails (for unknown circumstances). I do miss communicating with that person, but I sometimes think if its Gods will (meaning best...) for me and him to be in each others lives, then great. I also found some good points of how it can be the best thing for us at this time in our lives. So maybe if you do the same (meaning find the bright side of the situation) it might help you.

[sonjam]

Colin

 

There is no easy answer dude. You obviously have depression at the moment, I suggest going to the drugstore and getting a mild over the counter anti-depressant. When your heart feels so heavy, it is really difficult seeing the bringhter side of life. It is still there my friend, you just have to find the rainbow again.

 

Thing is, she's only going to considder getting back with you if she could see the guy she fell in love with when you first met. I know it is hard coping with a breakup like this, and your soul feels like it died, but even though she is not with you anymore, you have to think of your kids. They can't grow up without their father!

 

You are going to have to be strong, start going to the gym, or go do a hobby, find some meaning in your life beside the love. If you have your spark back, you will be a far more interesting and attractive offer!! Even if you don't do it for yourself, do it for your kids, and for her.

My heart goes out to you, we are always here if you want to talk. There is just no easy answers to a thing like this. Only time can heal all wounds.

[misslonelyheart]

Hi Coolco,

 

I am in a similar same situation as you.

 

My bf left me 3 months ago after 4 years together and I have been feeling utterly miserable ever since. I cry most days. I feel empty and see little point in getting up everyday. I have had thoughts of suicide and have contacted the samaritans as well , so don't think you or your feelings are any different to a lot of people on here.

 

Everyone tells you that it will get better with time - I didn't believe them and I thought that I could never get through the pain but as awful as I feel right now, I know that I don't feel quite as bad as I did when he first left and not as bad as 3 weeks ago - so it does get better, trust me.

 

You should stop having sex with her. Why give her the pleasure? She is using you and thinks she can have it both ways. She is stringing you along until someone else comes along or else keeping you warmed up whilst she thinks about what she really wants and this is not fair on you - it is keeping you on an emotional rollercoaster and hindering you on the path to recovery.

 

You are in a different situation in that you have a child, so No Contact is not a real option but I think you should stop contacting your ex and only have contact when making arrangements to see your son and then make conversations very brief and practical.

 

I haven't spoken to or see my ex for 3 weeks now and I know it is because of this that I can finally start to see a calmness and stability in my emotions and that I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Hang in there. You have a beautiful son to live for.

 

Thinking of you

[Wimpy]

Hey CoolCol

 

You are NOT alone. Although my situation is not quite so bad as yours I feel for you. I would agree with other posters here that you need to try and stop having sex with her....she's having it all her own way and keeping you in a terrible state in the meantime.

 

As for thinking of ending it all - yep I've felt like that too over the past few days...I'm only 2 weeks into my break-up and this afternoon I went out to get something out of my shed to do something in the garden - ie. to force myself to do something different and discovered that within the past 2 days some scumbag low-lifes have broken into my shed and stolen my bike which was worth over £700! I just came back in and cried and said "why me"?

 

It doesn't help you but remember we're all going through some form of hell after a break-up. I keep holding onto the hope that time will make things better.

 

I've been off work with depression for 2 weeks and can't envisage going back at the moment I feel so bad.

 

Not much help to you I know but wanted you to know you are not alone.

 

Wimpy

[coolcol]

Thanks for the replys it feels good to know others can be so helpful or have been in the same boat.....

 

I do go the gym and at times thats the only thing outside of work I have in my life.....all my anger and confussion is taken out on those weights and the net result is my body is very fit and strong! after the weights i sometimes jog for 30mins....I have flat tummy, and general athletic look etc etc......the thing was I was always paranoid with me bein 14 years older than my girl so i made sure this 43 year old body was kept as good as a 30 year olds .LOL (maybe thats why she still wants the sex thing!)

 

Trouble is my mind and heart are so weak.... I am living in limbo, my confidence is broken in two, my self esteem gone out the window, I put a brave face on for others then when am at home I sometimes sit in the dark, just thinking of where i went wrong, crying to myself over and over, why didnt i make her feel more special, why couldnt i have taken her out more etc....i sometimes really hate myself so much for letting this person slip away from me after all we had together.

 

To be honest its self inflicted mental torture cos i know if only i did do certain things she would still be with me now, but sadly she got bored felt trapped and never thinks we could ever live together, and be happy again.

 

My brain tells me one thing, I have to be strong, i have to try and move on etc, yet its always my broken heart that gives in to her and my feelings of desperation and lonelyness, the truth i suppose is we both got into a rut stuck at home, her with a new baby, feeling trapped etc............everything i did to tell her i loved her or cared for her was useless cos i failed to make her feel special or take her out enough, i grew more and more depressed cos i knew she was cooling off from me and she was depressed, in the end nothing i did to show her i loved her made any difference...it was just to little to late!

 

I have read many posts on this forum and it is good to see others who genuinly care for others, i only wish i had real friends like some of you guys!

 

I have tried to stop the sex thing but the desire to please her in any way i can somehow makes me feel that she may ''stick'' with me as a friend cos she said she never wants another man in her life again ( abit hard to believe when she is only 29!).

 

The sad thing is i know one day all this will probibly end then i wont even have the pleasure of pleasing her in any way again, or holdiing her or kissing her etc.....although i do admit to feeling used for sex, i just cant say no to her and somehow imagine at least we are still in some sort of relationship so to speak. But the truth is she trats me like an object not a man, she has no respect for me, she tells me she will txt me but doesnt, when i ring her to politly see if she is ok and why she didnt txt she just calmly says '' cos i didnt want to, i was busy at a friends house''

 

The last thing i want is to come accross as needy or clingy as this will never get me in her good books, she will just use me more and have no respect for me at all. But i just cant find the willpower to not txt her at least once a dday over something or other....god i am so weak and pathetic at times it hurts me to see what i have become, all because i love this person so much.

 

All this is seriously screwing my head up and heart and i really feel so helpless and sad all the time......when i drop her off at her mothers after an intimate night its a drive back to my empty house and the pain starts all over again......it feels like she is leaving me all over again....and i cant help myself from still doing this sorry and sad cycle of pleasure then pain....

 

Forgive me for going on again am so sorry i get carried away at times within myself. and forgive my spelling 2.

 

Thank you all for your kind assistance and help........Colin

[misslonelyheart]

[ All this is seriously screwing my head up and heart and i really feel so helpless and sad all the time......when i drop her off at her mothers after an intimate night its a drive back to my empty house and the pain starts all over again......it feels like she is leaving me all over again....and i cant help myself from still doing this sorry and sad cycle of pleasure then pain....

quote]

This is why you need to stop sleeping with her and seeing her at all apart from the child situation.

 

you described it exactly - every time you see her, the pain starts all over again. You need to give yourself time away from her to calm down and adjust emotionally and to also get used to not having her around anymore.

 

If you don't do this, you will forever have this high when you see and sleep with her and then hit rock bottom again when she doesn't tell you that she has made a mistake and wants to come back which I suspect is what you want to hear everytime you sleep with her.

 

This is why most people on here advocate no contact - it gives you the breathing space you need to start to heal.

 

Be strong. Things will get better.

 

[coolcol]

I know i must try and be strong.......you are right i continually hope that things will improve after seeing her but your right it only builds my hope up without any real ending to this nightmare.

 

To let her go i must let her out of my heart......something i never thought i would have to do.....i have to let her go i know.....am a very sensitive sort of guy and these feelings are without doubt the most horrible emotions i have ever had to endure.....

 

Life seems so pointless and cruel at times........yet it is also full of new hope and lovely things.........i must somehow hope and pray( done a lot of that as well lately!) that my future can still provide me with a reason to get over this living hell.

 

I have started to consider telling her ...no sex, but as yet havnt said anything......but your right i must try and let her go....the woman i watched give birth to our son whilst i helped her and supported her....the woman who once loved and cared for me so much.....i have to let her go or i know my life is 4ever going to be a living nightmare each day.

 

thank you for your kind words i just hope i can make it through each and everyday knowing we will never make love again or share anything of eachother again.....

Thanks again