Broke up to work on himself

[blueberry33]

My boyfriend and I, both in our early/mid thirties, have been dating for a year but he broke up with me about a couple months ago. We didn't have any looming issues and never fought over anything major. We had many shared hobbies and values, and treated each other with love, generosity, respect, and trust. Even when we broke up, we both attested that this was the best relationship either of us has been in. Being wrapped in the excitement, we moved pretty quickly in our relationship and already were planning for marriage, kids, and etc. This was mainly propagated by him.

 

Then about two months ago, he starts questioning whether or not he wants to be in a relationship and what he wants out of life. After doing some soul searching, he felt like he needed to end our relationship because the plans for our future were giving him stress (I was absolutely fine slowing things down) and, he realized he has some commitment issues and issues with dealing with stress that he wants to work on alone and didn't feel like he could be in a relationship while he does this. He's also been dealing with some other stress in his life so I think that added on to things. He doesn't know how long he needs as he seems thoroughly confused and told me not to wait although he said he'd love to make things work again with us some day. I believe he's being truthful in the way he feels and that there is not another person in the picture and that he just wants to focus on himself. It seems almost like an early midlife crisis.

 

I've been lurking on this forum for the past month trying to feel better but also make sense of my situation. I'm hoping to see if any of you guys have experienced anything similar to my situation or have have words to advice to help make my peace with this. Although unhealthy, but natural, a large part of me is hopeful that he comes back as well. I've been in my fair share of relationships, so it scares me to know that I've lost the most amazing relationship I've ever had.

[WombatShadow]

There's been some buzz that the stress of life these days has started spurring earlier mid-life crises. I was just having a conversation with a friend who thinks he's having a mild one, and he's not even 30. I also suspect my ex is having one.

 

I agree with your ex: don't wait for him. He made the choice to leave you and figure himself out, so this is your time to figure yourself out. If he figures out that he wants you and you're still available and interested, cool. If not, you can figure out who else you're interested in. Explore a bit! You're young, loving, and seem to have your head on your shoulders.

 

Don't string yourself along like I did. It's painful for everyone, especially when the ex still has some feelings for you that just aren't strong enough.

[blueberry33]

There's been some buzz that the stress of life these days has started spurring earlier mid-life crises. I was just having a conversation with a friend who thinks he's having a mild one, and he's not even 30. I also suspect my ex is having one.

 

I agree with your ex: don't wait for him. He made the choice to leave you and figure himself out, so this is your time to figure yourself out. If he figures out that he wants you and you're still available and interested, cool. If not, you can figure out who else you're interested in. Explore a bit! You're young, loving, and seem to have your head on your shoulders.

 

Don't string yourself along like I did. It's painful for everyone, especially when the ex still has some feelings for you that just aren't strong enough.

 

 

 

Thanks for your response. Can I ask what happened in your situation? How did you finally let go? Did you ever hear from him again?

[WombatShadow]

Oh sweetie, you're opening a can of worms with him.

 

We were in No Contact until tonight actually, with the hope that I can completely get over him and we can be friends again (we've been great friends since we were 12). He reached out and just wanted to catch up, but the part he doesn't acknowledge to me (maybe to himself?) is that he can't fill the void I left when he broke up with me because a large part of him still loves me. He's convinced himself that we won't work because of distance and a loss of feelings, but still considers me his best friend. He wants to talk to me more than our other friends, see me more than our other friends, and generally just be each other's biggest ally. Basically a lover without the romantic or physical aspects.

 

I'm not about this, and thought I had adequately explained that if we were going to be friends like that it would be with the intent of seeing if the spark could come back. He missed/ignored that memo, which meant I was hurting myself and got all hung up on him again. He had agreed not to contact me until I reached out, but word on the street says that he didn't expect me to hold out for seven weeks. I was open to his call tonight, and we just chatted for about half an hour. When and if we see each other in person again, I'll be laying down my line in the sand: either he puts effort into the friendship/relationship or he leaves me alone.

[WombatShadow]

Also, I haven't completely gotten over him yet. I've thrown myself into hobbies, work, and my friends, which has helped. Don't just sit around in your misery, or you'll never recover. Another thing that really helped: I went out on a coffee date just this past Friday, and by Friday all of my thoughts that would have been about my ex in the past were about the date instead. The date went well (though I doubt it's going anywhere more), and just being in a slightly romantic setting with another guy even for a brief blip helped me see that my ex is not the end all be all.

[Batya33]

I would give him twice the space he seems to need. I don't think he's cheating on you but if he really wanted I. E with you he would be and if he wanted to "work" on himself he'd do that while being with you. The only chance you have of getting him back is to let him miss you and experience life without you. Let him "work" on his own. Do not contact him or let him contact you unless he misses you and wants you back in a committed relationship leading to marriage. He doesn't get the benefit of your time nad support and friendship while he "works".

Really sorry he's distancing himself. Practice self restraint and let him go for now. Good luck.

[lsilva]

There's been some buzz that the stress of life these days has started spurring earlier mid-life crises. I was just having a conversation with a friend who thinks he's having a mild one, and he's not even 30. I also suspect my ex is having one.

 

I agree with your ex: don't wait for him. He made the choice to leave you and figure himself out, so this is your time to figure yourself out. If he figures out that he wants you and you're still available and interested, cool. If not, you can figure out who else you're interested in. Explore a bit! You're young, loving, and seem to have your head on your shoulders.

 

Don't string yourself along like I did. It's painful for everyone, especially when the ex still has some feelings for you that just aren't strong enough.

 

I completely agree... he is being honest and it's not leaving you without an explanation.. whenever he can figure it out himself, and if you meant to be, it will be if you are still available and wanting him...

[blueberry33]

I would give him twice the space he seems to need. I don't think he's cheating on you but if he really wanted I. E with you he would be and if he wanted to "work" on himself he'd do that while being with you. The only chance you have of getting him back is to let him miss you and experience life without you. Let him "work" on his own. Do not contact him or let him contact you unless he misses you and wants you back in a committed relationship leading to marriage. He doesn't get the benefit of your time nad support and friendship while he "works".

Really sorry he's distancing himself. Practice self restraint and let him go for now. Good luck.

 

That is my plan, and I haven't/don't plan on reaching out but it really hurts. I guess it also really stings to accept the fact that if he wanted me, he'd work on these issues with me there, especially when this relationship was mutually wonderful for the both of us before this anxiety kicked in.

[blueberry33]

Oh sweetie, you're opening a can of worms with him.

 

We were in No Contact until tonight actually, with the hope that I can completely get over him and we can be friends again (we've been great friends since we were 12). He reached out and just wanted to catch up, but the part he doesn't acknowledge to me (maybe to himself?) is that he can't fill the void I left when he broke up with me because a large part of him still loves me. He's convinced himself that we won't work because of distance and a loss of feelings, but still considers me his best friend. He wants to talk to me more than our other friends, see me more than our other friends, and generally just be each other's biggest ally. Basically a lover without the romantic or physical aspects.

 

I'm not about this, and thought I had adequately explained that if we were going to be friends like that it would be with the intent of seeing if the spark could come back. He missed/ignored that memo, which meant I was hurting myself and got all hung up on him again. He had agreed not to contact me until I reached out, but word on the street says that he didn't expect me to hold out for seven weeks. I was open to his call tonight, and we just chatted for about half an hour. When and if we see each other in person again, I'll be laying down my line in the sand: either he puts effort into the friendship/relationship or he leaves me alone.

 

That must be tough especially given that you guys have known each other for so long. Good for you and stay strong!

[Batya33]

I am really really sorry. Please stay strong and know you are taking good care of yourself. He freaked himself out and instead of staying the course he's pushing you away. But life is about huge changes and sometimes unpredictable ones and you want someone who can stay the course with you. Please surround yourself with family or friends who want what is best for you and the best dark chocolate or similar and fuzzy socks too. It really will be ok no matter what. Post here if it helps.

[blueberry33]

I am really really sorry. Please stay strong and know you are taking good care of yourself. He freaked himself out and instead of staying the course he's pushing you away. But life is about huge changes and sometimes unpredictable ones and you want someone who can stay the course with you. Please surround yourself with family or friends who want what is best for you and the best dark chocolate or similar and fuzzy socks too. It really will be ok no matter what. Post here if it helps.

 

That's true. The "perfect" guy has to be able to handle life's uncertainty with their partner.

 

I'm also scared about moving on. I've been on a couple casual dates so far, and it's been pretty discouraging, even though I know dating takes time. They just don't compare to my ex. I'm just worried there will be no one else like or better than him. I'm probably going to hold off dating for awhile since I don't think I'm ready anyway.

[WombatShadow]

Definitely don't jump into it too quickly. I went on one date less than a month after the breakup (relatively unwillingly), and it was a terrible mistake and just made me want my ex back like yesterday. I also went on one in May that was okay, and only recently have really felt ready to date.

[Schockobaerin]

Hi!

Im living exactly the same as you, maybe worst because he has still unfinished bussiness with an ex as well.. He "wants to be alone", because he is very afraid of commitment and has abandonment issues, but at the same time would be open to a FWB relationship or being friends... This was 6 weeks ago, and it still hurts me very much, that I told him not to contact me until he heals completely, that I still believe on us, but that he needed to back off, and to learn to appreciate me he needed to live without me completely.. I told him he can contact me at least "until there are no leaves on trees" so a couple of months...He seemed calm and agreed and sounded very happy, his selfishness didnt let him see how much pain he caused me, and of course he didnt me to wait for him.. For me this process have been very painful, I have been depressed, but at the same time this experience is helping me to grow and to understand, that my happiness cannot depend on someone else, Im still working on getting my power back and being stronger, its not easy, because as you, I still have hope, but I need to get better and if he wants back and I want it, Im open for it, he knows where I am.. As you Im very hurt because he didnt want to fight for me, and that took a toll on my self-esteem.. But as before, we must work on ourselves, grieve and go on living our lifes.. We were taken for granted and if they want to be alone, let him be, but without the benefits of having us.. Good luck with your recovery and remember you are not alone and always deserve better

[Pto29538]

My boyfriend and I, both in our early/mid thirties, have been dating for a year but he broke up with me about a couple months ago. We didn't have any looming issues and never fought over anything major. We had many shared hobbies and values, and treated each other with love, generosity, respect, and trust. Even when we broke up, we both attested that this was the best relationship either of us has been in. Being wrapped in the excitement, we moved pretty quickly in our relationship and already were planning for marriage, kids, and etc. This was mainly propagated by him.

 

Then about two months ago, he starts questioning whether or not he wants to be in a relationship and what he wants out of life. After doing some soul searching, he felt like he needed to end our relationship because the plans for our future were giving him stress (I was absolutely fine slowing things down) and, he realized he has some commitment issues and issues with dealing with stress that he wants to work on alone and didn't feel like he could be in a relationship while he does this. He's also been dealing with some other stress in his life so I think that added on to things. He doesn't know how long he needs as he seems thoroughly confused and told me not to wait although he said he'd love to make things work again with us some day. I believe he's being truthful in the way he feels and that there is not another person in the picture and that he just wants to focus on himself. It seems almost like an early midlife crisis.

 

I've been lurking on this forum for the past month trying to feel better but also make sense of my situation. I'm hoping to see if any of you guys have experienced anything similar to my situation or have have words to advice to help make my peace with this. Although unhealthy, but natural, a large part of me is hopeful that he comes back as well. I've been in my fair share of relationships, so it scares me to know that I've lost the most amazing relationship I've ever had.

 

It's part of life that we will all have different stresses at certain parts of our Iives. We also all have things we need to work on to improve ourselves but that's no reason to split up with someone . You should have your partner support you through it or at least be there while you worked on yourself in the background . He may feel he needs to do this on his own. But does this mean the next challenge he would meet in a few years he would also want to park you again for a while ? That's not how relationships should work . It may be genuine that he really needs this time to do this on his own thebut I would worry note the fact he doesn't want you by his side while doing it should he ever come back again looking to get back with you . Also if you do want him back cut all contact as the only way he will miss you

[Thainara]

This is the famous "emotionally unavailable man". There are hundreds of thousands like him. I got one too (Yay!). They have pretty much the same attitude and speech. They are so passionate, affectionate in the beginning. They rush in, talk about being together forever, marriage, "never felt like this before", "you're the best thing that ever happened to my life". Mine had separation anxiety when we were not together hahaha. And from a sudden or little by little, they start changing, saying "we moved too fast", "I'm not ready to get into a relationship" and mine also said "I need to heal before commit". It's been more than two months and he never talked to me. I broke NC a couple of times and I regret I did. So my opinion is: he's not coming back. And if he ever does, be sure he will do it again at some point. This kind of man has grave attachment issues and they will never commit, unless they admit they have issues and go to counselling (for many years). My advice is: move on, live your life and be happy. Next time be sure you're not getting another emotionally unavailable man.

[blueberry33]

This is the famous "emotionally unavailable man". There are hundreds of thousands like him. I got one too (Yay!). They have pretty much the same attitude and speech. They are so passionate, affectionate in the beginning. They rush in, talk about being together forever, marriage, "never felt like this before", "you're the best thing that ever happened to my life". Mine had separation anxiety when we were not together hahaha. And from a sudden or little by little, they start changing, saying "we moved too fast", "I'm not ready to get into a relationship" and mine also said "I need to heal before commit". It's been more than two months and he never talked to me. I broke NC a couple of times and I regret I did. So my opinion is: he's not coming back. And if he ever does, be sure he will do it again at some point. This kind of man has grave attachment issues and they will never commit, unless they admit they have issues and go to counselling (for many years). My advice is: move on, live your life and be happy. Next time be sure you're not getting another emotionally unavailable man.

 

Hearing your experience and the others' experiences on enotalone really helps. It does kind of scare me that there are so many of these men looming out there though! They're so good at convincing us that they're in it for the long haul.