1 year of dating, but where is the love?

[PurplePineappl]

Edit: sorry, this should probably be on the relationship thread...

 

I started dating a guy about a year ago. Most of the time, I'm really happy. But......

 

We casually dated for a few months (neither of us ready for anything serious), and after about 5 we had a 'chat' and agreed we weren't sleeping with anyone else.

 

But then for the next 4 months it was a bit up and down. In actions he was lovely, we spent lots of time together, he introduced me to all his family and friends and we settled into a more 'couply' way of life. I thought things were moving forwards, it turned out he still wasn't ready.

 

Long story short, there were times he would suddenly be a total ******, clingy then distant, said he liked me but refused to call me his girlfriend, and then I caught him on the dating site we met on. It all came tumbling out, the actual seriousness of his commitment-phobia and he admitted he was trying to keep distance, preparing himself for the inevitable worst outcome, pushing me away because he was scared. Obviously it almost ended but after a very long honest conversation, i decided to give it one more go, making it clear that if he messed me around again that would be it.

 

I didn't expect much but actually he really changed. He stopped being crap, became absolutely lovely, sweet, attentive, caring etc etc.

 

So 6 months on from that, we are most definitely in a relationship and we're pretty close. The problems being mainly the 2 following.

 

1, I made an effort to understand his commitment problems; I believe he wasn't just being a wuss, he really does have issues. I think it stems from his mum leaving. So, I don't put any pressure on him, we just enjoy being together. But, I'm a girl with feelings at the end of the day. And I'm in love with him. He once said 'I don't say things I don't mean' and I said, that's fine, I wouldn't want you to. He said 'I'll say it when I'm there.'

 

So I guess I should take the lack of hearing mention of love to mean, he is not there. I know people go at different speeds, but it's really difficult holding in I how I feel when I just want to tell him I love him. But I just don't know if it's a good idea to say it.

 

He tells me he 'adores me' but clearly he just cant bring himself to say the L word.

 

Reaching 30, id also like to be able to talk about the future. Not too seriously, im not like that, and I don't want marriage or kids (neither of us do) but I would like to, say, consider living together at some point. I just hate that despite being close, I feel scared to say certain things out loud.

 

Do I just do it? After a year, is it reasonable to start to ask for more?

 

2. The sex is boring.

 

He was obviously a bit of a player before he met me, and when we first started seeing each other it was.... not overly raunchy or anything, but we had sex a lot and would do things like send photos and texts... you know.

 

He also used to be a big party head, out most weekends getting quite messy. After a night out he would be GAGGING for it, and it would be passionate and exciting. I know that's the intoxication but it was fun.

 

Since, he's really calmed down and doesn't really party like that anymore.

 

And now, we do it 1 or 2 times a month. It doesn't last long, and it doesn't feel like theres much passion or excitement.

 

It's just crazy how different it is now. He used to be quite honest about enjoying sex (hence his rather long list of previous girls) so it makes me feel like... was it more fun with random people? Is he not attracted to me? Does he just not really care about sex that much any more?

 

We get on incredibly well, have lots in common, make each other laugh, encourage and support each other, and are like best friends.

 

But I sometimes think.... without love and sex...... are we just that... best friends?!

 

There is so much more to say so I don't know if this is really a clear enough description of the situation for advice.... but it's already so long I thought I'd stop there!

 

Thanks.

[abitbroken]

1, I made an effort to understand his commitment problems; I believe he wasn't just being a wuss, he really does have issues. I think it stems from his mum leaving. So, I don't put any pressure on him, we just enjoy being together. But, I'm a girl with feelings at the end of the day. And I'm in love with him. He once said 'I don't say things I don't mean' and I said, that's fine, I wouldn't want you to. He said 'I'll say it when I'm there.'

 

Oh heck no. Its about you getting what you deserve -- not you catering to a man with commitment issues. but maybe you chose him because you have issues or requirements of your own -- i can see not wanting kids -- but if the ultimately commitment to you is 'living together someday" -- perhaps you are finding men who are afraid of commitment because you don't want a man who wants to commit - falls head over heels and proposes. Definitely break up, for sure. or accept the meandering relationship that may or may not end up with you sharing a space someday. (if you don't ever want to marry and don't want kids --- what is the real rush to live with him, anyhow?) I don't get how the age of 30 is coming to a head so you want to talk about the "future" - yet you don't want one. its just curious...

[PurplePineappl]

You can build a future with someone without marriage and children. It just means you don't know what that future looks like because it's not the social norm.

 

I'm almost 30, so I'd like to settle a bit rather than live a younger life of house sharing etc.

 

I feel like the next step would be living together. Then from there it would be whatever life we decide to make. I'm just saying I don't need a lifelong plan from him. I'm happy to go with the flow, not because I have issues or am scared myself, I just don't need more from someone, and I don't have an ultimate goal of a typical family.

[SweetGirl28]

Wow this seems eerily similiar to my story.

 

Bit of caution----don't push the issue. He will dump you.

Emotionally unavailable men are just that. You can't fix it, they need to.

Commitment phobic----they won't budge until they are ready to.

 

I'm sorry to say that it does not seem you are in the same place in life right now.

And the sex issue should be a huge red flag to you.

I know it hurts to hear, but you either have to keep sacrificing your needs, or move on.

He has complete control right now. He won't be in a hurry to do anything because he still has you.

[firelily]

Sometimes it's not meant to be. It sounds like that situation The guy isn't as crazy about you as he should be, he's just comfy, and you deserve more.

 

First you can talk to him and tell him exactly what you wrote her. That you think about breaking things off. That the sex is no good and you don't know why. Ask him if he wants to work on this. Ask him is there is something stopping him from calling you his girlfriend. If he cares about you that way. If he things he will, or not likely.

 

I don't think people should remain too long in relationship that have a lot of sweet things, but also some serious problems that are not getting solved even a bit. So try to ask him whether he would like to help you solve these problems. If he doesn't, you need to find someone who would do this for you