For those still friends with an ex

[dave4443]

You'll hear all the time that you shouldn't do it and in a way after doing it I agree on some points of this. I definitely helped her new relationship a bit by seeing her way more than he did and basically clogging up the times he ditched her or couldn't see her, I doubt she purposefully used me like this she's not a malicious person but that is what did happen.

 

It put me through hell but I think the time I've spent being friends with her has also made her see the new me. If I disappeared completely from her life when we broke up, she'd still think of me as a young immature guy who didn't know what he wanted, now she's seen the new me, and even though it wasn't enough right now ( obviously new relationships are always great, if I had one with a stunning model I probably wouldn't be too fussed either) it's at least shown her that in the future I may be a possible candidate.

 

Being friends also allowed me to know I've done the right thing, changed for the better and I tried my best, thing is now when I pull away it's only a matter of days before I hear from her which is great.

 

Couple of weeks ago I had a lot of pain, because i finally cane to terms with the fact i may not get her back, something changed, I saw her and was able to be pretty indifferent , I still care for her but when she mentioned her new guy it didn't phase me like before and instead of overstaying my welcome i just had a nice quick chat and left, that was the first time id left her not overthinking anything id said and knowing i didnt embarass myself and let her think im waiting for her, because I no longer am

 

I'm just putting this here to say that even if you took the friends route and you're in pain, eventually you realise they still want you in your life so obviously you're not as bad as you thought, forgive yourself and them for the mistakes, and eventually you'll slowly back off for your own good, and even if you don't get back you've at least shown them the new you, you'll either meet someone else or in the future have them again either way you'll be happy!

 

I have a date tonight and it's the first one I've been excited about in the past month so woo! Good luck everyone healing

[Clio]

eventually you realise they still want you in your life so obviously you're not as bad as you thought

 

Imo, there is no "one size fits all" approach to this one. As you discovered, there are very concrete reasons why most people are not ok with having a front seat to seeing their ex move on, let alone facilitating their transition. Reading your post, it sounds like you never took her off the pedestal. You were never "bad" to begin with. Still wanting you in their life should not be used to define your value. NOBODY deserves that kind of power, let alone someone who was unable to appreciate you in the long-term. Your value is there regardless of her choices. It is good that you managed to handle it constructively at the end though. Good luck with your date!

[Giblesp]

But notice that she chose to be with the guy who ditched her, or was too busy to see her. Not the ex who was still available to her even though it was finished and she was with someone new. She might have fully appreciated the ex who still cared for her, but I'm really sorry to say she continued to get it on with sometimes unavailable guy.

 

To be honest if I were in her BF's shoes and I knew the ex was hanging around her in the firendzone, I wouldn't even consider the ex competition.

 

I'm not denying that she didn't see that you've changed for the better but if you want to re attract her, you must also let her know that you have become unavailable. You've done that now and yes you may have generated some attraction in her again. But I would say that you would have generated the attraction quicker, by disappearing faster and not going into the friendzone.

 

You describe yourself as a possible candidate, when you get to the stage when you see HER as a possible candidate (or no candidate at all, she chose another man over you at the end of the day) you really have changed.

 

Being fully available is often seen as a sign of weakness and neediness by women.

[dave4443]

But notice that she chose to be with the guy who ditched her, or was too busy to see her. Not the ex who was still available to her even though it was finished and she was with someone new. She might have fully appreciated the ex who still cared for her, but I'm really sorry to say she continued to get it on with sometimes unavailable guy.

 

To be honest if I were in her BF's shoes and I knew the ex was hanging around her in the firendzone, I wouldn't even consider the ex competition.

 

I'm not denying that she didn't see that you've changed for the better but if you want to re attract her, you must also let her know that you have become unavailable. You've done that now and yes you may have generated some attraction in her again. But I would say that you would have generated the attraction quicker, by disappearing faster and not going into the friendzone.

 

You describe yourself as a possible candidate, when you get to the stage when you see HER as a possible candidate (or no candidate at all, she chose another man over you at the end of the day) you really have changed.

 

Being fully available is often seen as a sign of weakness and neediness by women.

 

I agree completely but she had every right to break up with me as we grew apart, so if I had disappeared I'd have no chance in the future. I'm glad she is still with him however because I know if we got back together right now it wouldn't work she needs to grow as well as me which is why in some twisted way this is all good.

 

I understand her reasons for choosing someone new and tbh I'm finally at the point where at least part of me is happy for her. I think the being friends route was the only thing I could have done knowing my ex, and hopefully this date will lead somewhere tonight even if it's just a few months of fun. Was just stating how eventually you come out of the waiting for them stage, pretty sure with the rate I'm going I'll be in the position your stating soon ( hopefully)

[electric2324]

We have mutual friends and it is almost like we're still friends even though we don't communicate at all! x

[Starlight925]

We see so much advice on boards like this that says NO CONTACT!!! Delete all social media, block phone #'s, etc.

 

I'm not so sure I agree with all of that.

 

I'm going through my own breakup, and it's actually helped me to have the small conversations I've had with him, and the social media viewing, although we aren't friends anymore on social media. Each case is different, but often, I think a breakup is like a piece of rope that keeps getting pulled until it finally snaps. If No Contact is initiated prior to the final snap, it can cause a lot of thoughts of why, of second-guessing, of wondering. But if we maintain that fine bit of contact, I believe it can help us move through until the final snap occurs.

 

Once we are out of a situation, we are able to see it much more clearly. So, having a little bit of contact actually helps us move out of the forest, and see it better and more clearly.

 

Several years ago, I went through a breakup where I enacted a strict NC policy, and I have to admit that I creeped his social media for a long time. Keeping him on a pedestal is why I did that. Breaking apart more slowly, with a bit of contact, but not nearly as much as relationship, would have likely helped me see how bad that relationship was for me. I do know that in my current situation, the small bit of contact we are having has knocked him off the pedestal, leaving little to no doubt in my mind I did the right thing. If I had enacted No Contact here, I'd be still idealizing.

 

In your case, as you've said, it's helping you realize you've done the right thing. I do think that at a certain point, you'll need to fully separate from her and move on with your own life, moving to complete no contact.

 

Once you find yourself in a new relationship, that new person will likely not want to become entangled with you if you have ties still to your ex. But there is, I believe, a large area of gray in between a full-on relationship and a full-on No Contact breakup.

[sfindependent]

i'm known to be friends with exes, but it also depends on the kind of relationship you had and how it ended. 65% of the people i dated, serious or otherwise i'm actually friends with, some are even as close as my male best friends. But the ones i screwed up, especially... it's been years and still no contact. I'm not in pain anymore, but it also serves as a grim reminder what bad things we can do to other people.