Break-up advice

[confuseddotdot]

So I've been with my current boyfriend for about 4 months. We're both in our 30s. He is a lovely man. Very kind, considerate, generous, sweet and we get on very well. No arguments or disagreements to date. We’re both very laid back. I know he adores me and is frequently telling me how amazing I am and how lucky he is to have me (I do dispute this with him as I don’t think I’m anything special!) and I love him to bits as a person. However, he is socially awkward and it took some convincing for me to initially date him. He was so anxious it made me feel uncomfortable and exhausted by the end of the first date. There was no initial spark, and I couldn’t see him in a romantic way – but over time (and a barrage of messages) I saw how lovely he was and gave it a go. We bonded, grew close, have lots of shared experiences from the past and have a good sex life and as I say, get on very well. His anxiety reduced dramatically (with me) and he took things slowly with me. I’m still to meet any of his friends or family. He’s met my family.

 

My problem is I feel something is missing. He works a lot and at the moment I only see him twice a week for a few hours (if that). But I feel like I could cope with that as I've considered LDRs before, but the main issue is we can never plan anything in advance because his work hours are so unpredictable which is frustrating – but apparently this busy period will end by the end of the year. He tells me how much he misses me and can’t wait to see me…and although I love seeing him and spending time out with him, I don’t feel the same way as him anymore I don’t think. He likes to fall asleep watching DVDs (probably because he’s so tired from working partly), whilst I’d rather be out and about or just talking and doing something together. He doesn’t really talk much and conversations are brief and often lead by me if I want a conversation. Sometimes he comes across as awkward and self-conscious when talking, even with me. We go for car drives and often spend much of the time in silence after we’ve caught up on what we’ve been up to in the week. It’s not a particularly uncomfortable silence, but nonetheless… He’s recently started talking about a holiday together and I feel sick in my stomach as I think we need to end things. Whilst I enjoy sex with him, sometimes I look at him and I’m not even sure how attracted I am to him physically – much of this is probably due to the constant awkward vibe he projects because of his social awkwardness. He’s not physically unattractive at all.

 

I recently spent some time with another man (just a friend) and we had such a great time – talking non-stop about anything and everything, singing like idiots to songs on the radio while driving, similar interests etc. and everything was just so easy and relaxed. This just reminded me of the things that my current relationship lacks. Don’t get me wrong, I’m well aware no relationship is perfect and to find a ‘good’ guy is hard nowadays. I’m certainly not the kind of person that seeks a bad boy either. But I just don’t feel I can give him 100% as he deserves. As such a lovely guy I really feel he deserves better than me. He’s only just told all his friends about me (via Facebook) and he’s so excited and happy – I feel like an awful person for even considering breaking up. It makes me feel sick and anxious. I’m going to be gutted if I lose him as a friend and don’t see him again – but I don’t feel like I can be selfish and continue things as they are when I cant give him 100%. But at the back of my mind I’m wracked with doubt about whether I’m being too fussy and should see how things progress or whether if I stayed I would end up resenting myself for ‘settling’… I don’t think I’m better than him or deserve any better treatment etc. or that he’s not ‘good’ enough for me – I just feel like maybe we’re not compatible enough for long-term if I'm feeling this way?

 

Has anyone else been in this situation and got any advice?

[Ziggy123]

The whole post was you just justifying why you want to break up with him.....just do it, and don't try and stay friends with him after, it will be to painful for him. He deserves someone who loves him the way he loves them. It's clear he is not right for you

[Bladesofsteel]

Don't want to sound like a jerk but

 

Most women want what you describe at first.

 

But sounds like to me your taking a good guy for granted.

 

Maybe you're just not that into him, If that's the real issue then yeah go ahead, fully understood. Don't do it before you think it through and hurt someone very deeply only to realize you had a good partner.

 

Try communicating your issues clearly first, Or don't..

 

Maybe he will end up on here looking for answers not understanding like the rest of us.

 

Make sure you do the adult thing, don't break up with him over a text.

 

If you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. But you should explain to him first before you cut the cord.

[Rustysuit]

Very hard advice to give.

 

The right thing to do would be to just break up and be honest with him, but what you're describing is a classic GIG syndrome. Only after you spent some time with another man, you found out what was "missing" from your current relationship. That sounds weird.

 

Anyway, you should just cut the cord ASAP and not string along this guy. He'll have enough problems as it is finding another girl (if he's really that socially awkward).

[confuseddotdot]

Thanks all for advice - pretty much my thoughts. Although it wasn't really a GIG thing as I knew something was missing prior to seeing my friend - just couldn't put my finger on it.

 

I met him and we discussed the issues and we are going to take things as they come and try and work on them in the first instance. But at least he's aware now about how I'm feeling and we will have done all we can to try and make things work.