Adjusting to being alone

[kaninchen]

I could use some advice about adjusting to solitude after a breakup.

 

My six-year relationship ended about six months ago (although it had been unravelling for more than a year) and I’m really struggling to reconcile myself to my new lonely reality without him and the life we planned together.

 

In many ways our relationship was very dysfunctional. We were co-dependent and he was often very controlling. Friends regularly commented on the way he would belittle and dismiss me (in one egregious incident, he mocked me at a dinner party for failing to shave my pubic hair for a week while I was sick). I was alienated from and often distressed by sex with him (not necessarily his fault: I was assaulted a month before we met and our sex life was always tainted by that trauma). He claimed we had an open relationship and would continuously suggest I was sleeping with all of my male friends and try to goad me into doing so and then had a meltdown when I actually did and physically assaulted me. I accept that we both made mistakes and had mental health problems (me: depression and PTSD from assault, him: severe social anxiety) that made our relationship unworkable but he refuses to accept any culpability and claims I drove him to attack me and ultimately to end the relationship.

 

Because yeah, after all that, he ended it, not me. And I desperately wish he hadn’t because despite all I detailed, I miss him and our relationship terribly. As awful as all of that was, being alone is so much worse.

 

When he first left six months ago I was able to cope with the break-up and new solitude but only because, like him, I rebounded quickly. His rebound relationship has gone the distance. Mine didn’t—I was dumped—and illustrated very clearly to me how unsuited I am to dating, relationships, and love. I am firmly in the reject pile. Which I basically already knew, and was why I didn’t walk away from my long-term relationship. I’m well educated and fairly successful and in shape but I’m uncompelling and ugly and unattractive (confirmed by several male friends—all who were very nice and apologetic about their honesty but felt I needed to know before I was emotionally brutalised by another failed fling—and corroborated by a series of brutal rejections I’d like not to repeat).

 

So I find myself alone and with no prospects of that changing. I live alone, work alone from home and live in a different country than my family. I’m 27 so I still have friends who go out etc but they’re all coupled up and I know will inevitably drift further and further away from me as they settle down and have kids. It’s easy to third/fifth/seventh wheel a night out but you can’t exactly third wheel someone’s vacation and family Christmas. My social calendar this summer has been almost exclusively weddings and engagement parties so it’s getting dire.

 

I have lots of hobbies and little projects and I keep myself busy around the house. I live in a very large city and I sometimes still do the things my ex(es) and I did together—go to museums and parks and films—but it feels really hollow alone. I have a cat I love. But I’m still so lonely that whenever a friend or family member calls I find myself begging them not to hang up.

 

I think I probably could have weathered this solitude it had I not grown accustomed over the last six years to having someone around. My relationship was sometimes awful but it was often good and I’d give anything to have him back. I feel like I have lost sixty years of fun weekend activities and cuddling and city breaks and coming home to someone and going for walks (podcasts just don’t provide the same companionship) and having inside jokes and maybe children and being the most important person in the world to someone. I’m not sure how I’m going to survive it. I feel a little like I’ve just been sentenced to life in prison except it’s life alone.

 

So how do I get used to solitude? I’ve accepted it (anything else would be futile and, frankly, delusional) but I just can’t adjust to it.

[Kaykayxo]

Girl I think we all go through a period of feeling this way after a long relationship ends so you are definitely not alone. No matter who you are losing somebody who has been your right side for years is HARD, no matter if they were a good person or not. I'm going to be honest I'm sure your relationship had a ton of Ups and good parts, but some of the negative parts sound seriously abusive emotionally and physically. The sad part is it is often the chaotic, toxic relationships that hurt the most when they end. Oddly enough it is almost always the victim of the abuse who is left feeling low and alone. He clearly did a number on your self esteem and was not always giving you the love and worship you deserve as a women and now you are down on yourself. Any man or "male friend" who would call a women ugly is a D bag and I would not call them a friend.

 

There are no ugly people, only ugly personalities. Not everybody can have movie star looks, but that does NOT hinder your ability to find a healthy and fulfilling love. So what you got dumped by a rebound? Don't we all get dumped. Even the most beautiful women can go through abuse heartbreak and low self esteem. The truth is a lot of men these days are incredibly self serving and misogynistic, and it can take some digging to find the right one. You are still so young and clearly have a lot backing you up. You will find the right man who will love you in a healthy, reassuring way and NEVER bring you down. You just have to believe in this love. If you talk down on yourself or believe you are not worthy of that love than yes you will settle for any jerk who will spend time with you. Trust me, the man who will gaurd your heart like glass china is out there somewhere and you will find him as long as you are always open to the oppurtunity.

 

I would suggest trying counselling or some sort of outlet so that you can sort out your negative and depressive feelings towards love and relationships. It can be helpful. Do not get down on your looks. Try out new makeup styles, get eyelash extensions done or a new hair style. Dress sexy. Do whatever will make you feel most beautiful. I truly believe any women can be a bombshell with the right hair, makeup and style!!!! Pampering yourself will help you regain your confidence. You need to leave this man in your dust and start loving yourself. It's easier said than done and there has been many times I've felt like you feel now, but at the end of the day you are the one who can decide that you are not going to let this person get you down. Going back in history and living in nostalgia (which sadly makes us tend to remember the best moments rather than the reality) will not help. You need to make up your mind that you are a beautiful women and any man would be lucky to have you, and live with this mindset

[romjrom]

What the heck? You're so young and if you're educated, successful and in good shape as you said you're definitely not "uncompelling and ugly and unattractive". So you got dumped by two men, have you thought for a second what percentage of the total men population that is? If you get dumped by even 1% of them you still don't have an argument and you're no where close to that figure. Accept solitude "for now" if you need to go gain strength (and you need to coming out of an abusive relationship), process emotions so you're emotionally ready for a healthy new relationship but don't accept solitude as your fate.

 

I had a couple of rebound 'coffee dates' but I felt awkward and wanted to leave. These were pretty ladies, I thought it would be good for my ego to help get over my ex but I realized that I'm not ready to move on because I still have lots of unprocessed emotions. I have a handful of unanswered messages from good looking ladies on match.com but I don't feel like replying. I'm more seeking a friendship than a relationship at the moment, you might consider that too.

[Rustysuit]

We all feel ugly and unattractive after being dumped.

 

You sound mentally stable and not at all what you described.

I'm really sorry this happened to you, but in hindsight it's for the best. No one deserves a relationship like that even though it's the one you're craving and wanting the most. Just don't throw yourself under the bus and find your worth again.