Do you think this is all crap?

[Hason]

My girlfriend and I recently broke up. Just for a bit of context we were together for just under a year. We got along really well humor wise and loved going out together but didn't have all the same interests - she loved getting drunk a lot more than i did, i'm more of an intellect, but we made it work. All in all, our conversations were really good and interesting. It was really complicated early on because she lived with her ex for the first 3 months of our relationship. It was horribly uncivil between them two, they are not on the greatest terms. She had high expectations when he moved out and we started spending a lot more time together. Also just for context, I am from a higher socio-economic demographic than she is, with a very safe white collar job whereas she is studying not the greatest degree at university. The reason for her breaking up with me was:

 

"i always feel like i'm disappointing you, you're always angry at me when i don't do something right and i hate that i'm not able to make you happy. also there wasn't enough time between me/my ex's and our relationship for me to be emotionally ready. it's not that i want to get back together with him you know how much i hate him. but i haven't been single for over 5 years and i don't know how to live by myself. i know i've gotten too attached to you and i can't live my life relying on other people. like look at the way i acted when you went back to (enter my hometown), i ing went off at you for visiting your friends and family and ditching me. i just need time to learn how to live without being dependent on somebody. I really really think we have potential and the next time we date, if we date, it's going to be for real."

 

As somebody who hasn't been in her situation, I'm trying to be empathetic but it is very difficult for me to understand her perspective. Do you all think she's talking sh*t, or do you think she's telling the truth? Honestly I'm just very confused and sad because I don't understand her rationale, I'd just like some insight (preferably from people who have been in similar situations) on what this actually means?

 

Thanks in advance

[MissCanuck]

I think she's telling the truth.

 

She seemingly jumped from one relationship into the next, which is never a good idea. She isn't healed from the previous one. If you hate someone, you still have some powerful feelings about that person. It doesn't mean you still love them, but it usually does mean you have emotional chaos to work through before you reach the point of relative indifference about them. She didn't take the time she needed to get to that stage.

 

Also, I am curious why she thinks she's not good enough for you. Were you open with her about your socio-economic differences and your distaste for her chosen academic path? She also says she feels like you're often angry with her - is that true? Was there a lot of arguing?

[Hason]

 

Also, I am curious why she thinks she's not good enough for you. Were you open with her about your socio-economic differences and your distaste for her chosen academic path? She also says she feels like you're often angry with her - is that true? Was there a lot of arguing?

 

She went through a spree of dating deadbeat people. She's even said before she has this uncontrollable kind of attraction towards people who don't have their life together so she can fix them. Or maybe it's because so it makes her feel better about herself when she compares herself to her partner. When she started dating me she couldn't believe she was dating somebody with their life together (I have a good job with a great support network of friends, a healthy outlook on life and do not need drugs or alcohol to keep my sane). It's not that I have a personal distaste with her chosen career path, she believes that as an arts student she doesn't really have future career prospects, and when she compared myself to me she felt like she had to keep up with me even though I made no such comment.

 

I have been angry at her sometimes yes, but I was brought up in a very respectful and high end family. I know this sounds so pretentious but I was raised in a high end family whereas she was raised in the country with divorced parents. There were bound to differences in mannerisms and sometimes what may seem innocuous and innocent to her really pissed me off. And because of that I tried to not pay attention to it but it made me very passive aggressive towards her and she always notices when something was affecting me. Pretty much that's the reason why she claims I'm always angry at her. Never once have I thought she was below me or of a lower standard to me. I always have and will treat her as an equal

[MissCanuck]

I have been angry at her sometimes yes, but I was brought up in a very respectful and high end family. I know this sounds so pretentious but I was raised in a high end family whereas she was raised in the country with divorced parents. There were bound to differences in mannerisms and sometimes what may seem innocuous and innocent to her really pissed me off. And because of that I tried to not pay attention to it but it made me very passive aggressive towards her and she always notices when something was affecting me. Pretty much that's the reason why she claims I'm always angry at her. Never once have I thought she was below me or of a lower standard to me. I always have and will treat her as an equal

 

For example?

 

I'm going to be honest that what you are saying does indeed come across as self-righteous and pretentious, which she no doubt picked up on and made her feel she was not being treated as an equal. The way you describe your two families is very telling. Being passive-aggressive is also a relationship-killer, as it's demeaning and a poor way to communicate in general.

 

Ultimately, people want to be accepted for who they are. I don't know the specifics, but she is telling you she didn't feel accepted by you. I would heed that and assume that's how she really feels.

 

However, the above is only part of the issue. It sounds like she also rebounded with you and while she liked you, she was just not ready to date again. Her ex might be a complete , but that isn't relevant. What matters is that she didn't take the time to learn to be happy on her own, and let her feelings for him fade (love, hate or otherwise) Unfortunately, there's not much you can do about that. She should have known better than to jump into another relationship so soon.

[Hason]

For example?

 

I'm going to be honest that what you are saying does indeed come across as self-righteous and pretentious, which she no doubt picked up on and made her feel she was not being treated as an equal. The way you describe your two families is very telling. Being passive-aggressive is also a relationship-killer, as it's demeaning and a poor way to communicate in general.

 

Ultimately, people want to be accepted for who they are. I don't know the specifics, but she is telling you she didn't feel accepted by you. I would heed that and assume that's how she really feels.

 

However, the above is only part of the issue. It sounds like she also rebounded with you and while she liked you, she was just not ready to date again. Her ex might be a complete , but that isn't relevant. What matters is that she didn't take the time to learn to be happy on her own, and let her feelings for him fade (love, hate or otherwise) Unfortunately, there's not much you can do about that. She should have known better than to jump into another relationship so soon.

 

I really appreciate your honest opinion and although it is hard to take in, I honestly thank you.

 

Some might say what she does isn't a huge deal but hear me out. Some things include not offering to get food for me if she's on the way home and getting food, whereas I always would. Sleeping through alarms when I asked for a lift somewhere (I didn't ask for lifts often but she would always forget), getting angry at me for leaving to go back to my home town to visit my friends and family which I hadn't in 6 months because I was "ditching her". I mean all of these things are small but to me it's not the action that counts it's the thought behind it that really affects me. These are the kinds of things that would make me a little bit passive aggressive

 

Thank you MissCanuck for your constructive criticism. I really need to be brought down a peg or 10, your post has really given me perspective.

 

Any advice on where to go with this in the future?