Confused about Candaulism and the 'wife sharing'

[hannahs]

Hi guys, I am a bit in need of help in here. To give you some background, my boyfriend has become a candaulist, or somebody who wants to share his partner with others. This kind of behaviour got reinforced when our relationship was at the all-time-low, we were at the verge of breaking up, but he said he wanted us to try again and confessed about his fantasies and asked if I am alright with it. I am a bisexual and he somehow feels turned on by the fact that I could be attracted to other girls as well. He used to be someone rather conservative about the sex life, which never was a problem to me, but he said he has this fantasy going on, so he started showing me off to our male friends, saying that I should try to talk (or flirt?) to other guys, basically allowing me to cheat emotionally or even physically. He hasn't been watching porn or anything like that since we started going out, so it's been more than 3 years.

 

This came to me as a great shock, because he was someone, who would be jealous or wouldn't ever want another guy near me, but now he feels turned on by this idea. We have proceeded onto our relationship as normal, but the sex life has become different and more diverse and he feels happy about it. I am an open-minded person to these kind of things, but I never knew anything about fetishes or "sharing/swinging" at all, so I started wondering if this is some kind of mental disorder, trauma or sex addiction? I wonder if somebody who have encountered this kind of thing could give me some insight. I am not judging people with these fetishes by any means, but someone like me, I don't understand where these kind of things stem from. Should I be worried? Does this mean my boyfriend needs counseling or he's using me as his fetish toy of some sort? Or is it normal and usual? Or does he trust me a lot and became comfortable in our relationship enough to share me with others? I have agreed to these things to some extent, however, I made it clear that I would never sleep with another person for this fantasy, as the relationship could be damaged irreversibly.

 

Thank you

[Giblesp]

If you have doubts about it, dont do it.

 

Asking your partner to flirt with other people isnt the best coping method for when a relationship gets tough. And it wont sort out your relationship.

 

He doesn't sound too great a partner to be honest.

[TulipTrees]

The real question is not why he does this but how do you feel about it? If it is not something you want to do and is oustide your comfort zone, then you just need to tell him that rather than allowing him to try to inch you further and further towards something you don't like or want to do.

 

It sound to me like he wants to be a swinger and watch you have sex with other people. If you don't want to do that or don't enjoy that, then you are just not sexually compatible with each other so he may not be a good choice as a partner. I've known a couple swingers and they just are more into groups of people having sex than one on one and are wired that way. If you're not, then time to move on and find a guy who's happy with just you, and he can find a woman who likes to swing.

[ThatwasThen]

For someone who is "bi-sexual" I'm finding you not quite as "open minded" as you claim to be. Why would you assume that someone that has a fetish would have had to have had some sort of abuse, a mental problem or sex addiction to want such a thing? Would you think that of someone who is gay, bi-sexual, pan-sexual?

 

Anyway: Perhaps he's just discovered this about himself and since you're willing, he's doing. You've set a boundary and he's agreed to it. What is the issue, really?

[agent1607307371]

or he's using me as his fetish toy of some sort?

 

Oh yes, you're absolutely his fetish toy. The woman's body is the way this fetish is played out.

 

As for whether it's normal, it's not an uncommon fantasy/fetish. The question is whether you feel ok with it. His previous conservatism was possibly out of fear of sharing his fetish with you.

 

All I can say is that as long as you're happy with it, and as long as he's respecting your boundaries, there's no issue.

[agent1607307371]

For someone who is "bi-sexual" I'm finding you not quite as "open minded" as you claim to be. Why would you assume that someone that has a fetish would have had to have had some sort of abuse, a mental problem or sex addiction to want such a thing? Would you think that of someone who is gay, bi-sexual, pan-sexual?

 

Being bisexual means you often have to deal with people who believe your orientation is an outcome of abuse, or worse, means you're incapable of real emotional connection and so are worth being little more than a sex game. It's not strange at all that the OP would wonder this about a fetish, especially if she's never been exposed to one before. Being bisexual has nothing to do with the falavour of sex life you engage in.