Relationship worth fixing?

[aann525]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half. In a few weeks we will be moving further away from each other (about 2 hours). It is a distance that is definitely doable but as we are young we’ve talked a lot about not making a huge commitment to one another and just making sure we maintain our friendship. We’re both on basically the same page for this and while it may be hard at times I think it is a step we are both capable of making. We both value our friendship enough to put jealousy and other emotions below our care for one another. We haven’t decided to break up as soon as we move but just to see how we feel with the eventual understanding that we will no longer be in a monogamous relationship. However, as the time approaches for us to leave and our relationship to begin that transition I’ve found that I’m very unhappy in the current relationship. We live very close to each other and surrounded by mutual friends with plenty of time to see each other. I feel that I am putting in much more effort than he is and that even our time together is not as it used to be. When I mention things like this to him he is not very responsive or says that he feels things have not changed and that he’s still very happy. I am fairly miserable in the relationship but I do not know what to do with those emotions. We’ve never really had a fight and our relationship has been very happy and easy prior to this. I’m not sure how to express to him what I’m feeling and even if what I’m feeling is worth sharing as the relationship is ending soon anyway. I don’t want to ruin the time we have left together or end a very joyful chapter of our lives on a bad note. I’m also not sure how I will fair in the friendship that is to follow, meaning if I am upset in our current relationship do you think that a friendship is a good way to move forward? And also what are some helpful ideas for transitioning such a relationship into a friendship?

 

I care a lot about him and truly believe that he does also. We seem to differ on how we deal with negative emotions and the amount of attention or time we each need to subdue those negative emotions. I’ve been having a difficult few days attempting to come to terms with the future of our relationship and the current unhappiness I feel. It’s a very new emotion for me and I don’t feel that I’ve been dealing with it in a productive or healthy way for me as an individual or for our relationship.

[ThatwasThen]

I'm not sure how you're going to be able to cope knowing that while you're not with your boyfriend/exboyfriend/friend he could very well be out with someone new. Perhaps if you can change any engrained ideals about monogamy you could cope but being able to do that without educating yourself on poly and learning how to accept that you're not his only sexual partner will be virtually impossible.

 

You're unhappy because you're agreeing to be in something that goes against your nature... I think you're doing so out of fear, certainly not love.

 

Perhaps you'd be better off severing completely and getting on with grieving the loss of him, healing and then putting yourself out there so that you meet someone new and near would be a far better strategy in the long run. You will certainly stagnate yourself from being to find someone as long as you're in contact and on occasions still being sexual with your ex.

 

Is this a permanent long distance situation or does it have a shelf life wherein the L/D will end eventually?

 

Whose idea was it to keep keeping on with one another but dropping the monogamous dynamic of your partnership?

[MissCanuck]

I can't see how this is going to work well.

 

You are moving apart and have essentially agreed you will no longer be monogamous. May I ask whose idea that was? Why not just call it day now?

 

Trying to remain friends after he moves is not the way forward, no. Going from relationship to friendship, with the understanding that you can both see other people, is taking a step backward.

 

You shouldn't be trying to subdue your negative emotions about this. Your gut is telling you that you are not happy with this scenario and should not go along with it.

[rosephase]

You are breaking up. Of course it's going to feel sad. You are breaking up in a friendly way. You are breaking up in a open way. But you are breaking up. You are going to have to mourn the relationship you are losing before you can hope to start to build a new one. I don't think it's very wise to assume you can slip from relationship to friendship without time to heal and mourn.