My distance BF betrayed my trust and I am trying to figure out if we can work things out

[greengoldgrey]

I know this is long but I am completely lost on what to do and I need some advice.

 

 

I met this guy probably 10 years ago and we were just acquaintances at first. He grew up where I live now but he moved to the other side of the country and last October he wrote me and we started chatting. We got along really well and talking to him was my favourite part of my day. He came home for over a month in December and we stared seeing each other and it was great, we clicked and fit together and it felt different from any time I have ever been with someone.

 

 

I am in my early 30s so I have dated around/had enough boyfriends to have an idea of what works and doesn't. I liked him instantly and things just fit with us all the time. We met eachother's families and such and they all loved me and my family really liked him, it just worked.

 

 

..Except then he had to go home. Mind you in the back of my head (I told him this too) I was planning on moving near to where he is in a province he wants to eventually move to (British Columbia). Then he randomly decides to go to South America on a trip and invited me to join, I did for a month and it was one of the best trips of my life.

 

 

He came back to my province to visit family and we hung out and did the same thing and agreed to not see other people. I was happy about that but he was always weary of putting the boyfriend/girlfriend label on things because we weren't "real" and didn't have a real foundation and didn't really know our future. Fair enough in my opinion. He is a logical thinker and he has always been pessimistic about us doing distance because he has a really crazy work schedule (he works on camp sites) and apparently it gets in the way of his relationships.

 

 

Then things kinda get more serious when he is visiting (in a good way) and he mentioned me moving there a few times, I laughed it off at first but then said I would be up for it. Then he drunkenly almost tells me he loves me and then another time bring up our future while he is sober (marriage and babies a few times). I am over the moon at this point.

 

 

Before I get into this part I do want to say he is a genuinely nice and good guy, he just messed up. He has treated me really well other than this. So I book a trip to go see him (his idea) and then I notice about a month ago he was distant for a week. I assumed it was work but then when he never wrote me for a full day (usually he write me first when he gets up) I asked him what was wrong as he basically told me his ex was in town and came to him crying wanting to get back together. He told me he didn’t want to get back together with her but he did consider it and he thought it was unfair to keep it from me. He said the breakup messed him up a lot and he owed it to himself to make sure he still wasn't in love with her. FYI they were together for 5 years and broke up 3-4 years ago and have been in other relationships.

 

 

He also has said to me in the past their relationship wasn’t happy and she suffers from depression. But he did say that neither of them have found anything like what they had but he mostly attributes it to his work schedule. Also I know this girl from my childhood and she is known to kind of want what she can’t have and be competitive (which she has been with me in the past and she knew we were together). I also found out through a friend she tried to sleep with him but he shut her down when we were first dating and she said to a friend “he must be serious with (greengoldgrey) if he is turning ME down.” I was furious at her but never said anything because we're not close.

 

 

Anyway so I am really upset but I kind of think I can deal with this so far. I felt betrayed he hung out with her in secret but he said that it was late and I was gone to bed and it was an impromptu thing so he never had a chance to tell me. I was upset he kept it from me for a week but I think it was him avoiding stress. Then he brought up the fact they hung out twice in a row and I found that odd then it dawned on me that it sounded like a sleepover. I asked him and sure enough he said she slept over but he thought he told me that (he never). He said nothing happened and I know he isn’t lying, he isn’t a type guy that would do that. But she did sleep in his bed and they cuddled. He honestly didn't even think he did anything wrong until he saw how upset I was.

 

 

So technically I wasn’t cheated on but it was a huge betrayal of my trust. I was devastated. Couldn’t eat or sleep properly for a week almost. I thought I had a future with him, he was the first guy that talked about those things to me and I was planning on moving there. Not sure if I mentioned it but lately I was saying how I could move there after the next summer in 2018.

 

 

After this, he said he didn’t want to continue this now doing distance because breaking up felt like the right thing because he was struggling with the distance but he sees a future with us possibly down the road. When I told him I wouldn’t wait for him if he wouldn’t wait for me he said we should take time to think about it instead. It’s like he can’t commit but he doesn’t want to cut ties either. Then I came back and said I didn’t want to be with him but now I don’t know if I am making the right decision. I want to be with him more than anything and I am willing to forgive him but he will need to gain back my trust. I don’t know if he is willing to do what I need him to do in order to trust him again and go back to normal.

 

Also I ended up cancelling my flight but now I am not sure if I am just cutting things too quickly. Right now I feel like I am holding on to hope for our future and I wont move on if I don’t have closure. So I have conflicting feelings all the time.

 

 

He is actually a really good guy and has treated me like gold other than this. I think he was really confused and he just messed up so it makes it hard and I really have strong feelings for him so I want it to work. He was really upset when we talked and was crying so he knows he made a mistake. Help me

 

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TLDR: Distance (semi)SO did something inappropriate with ex. I am willing to forgive.

[MissCanuck]

Walk away from this, OP.

 

He's got too many feelings for his ex. 3-4 years after a breakup, it's a very bad sign that he's even thinking about seeing if he's "still in love" with her. He obviously is, to at least some extent, or he would not have dreamed of letting her stay over. I also would have a very hard time believing they slept in the same bed, cuddled, but did nothing else.

 

This isn't him just being stressed. This is him realizing he still wants her. Unfortunately, that means that you very much need to let him go.

[DancingFool]

Well...he is not a child, he kept it from you because he knew good and well it will upset you. Who wouldn't get upset?

 

Personally, what would bother me the most is not them cuddling but the fact that he was seriously entertaining the idea of getting back with her. At the same time, he didn't, so perhaps that is the final final closure and he is actually free to move forward with you for real? I don't know. I can see it both ways. I think he needs to show you that he is committed to making this work and is not going to be dragged down by his own defeatist attitudes. If he can't show that.....it won't work out for the two of you. Nothing more deadly than that kind of insecurity and self defeating attitude in an LDR. LDR's are hard enough when two people are fully committed and determined and stubborn about it. He sounds like constantly one foot out the door and unsure.

[greengoldgrey]

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Yeah it's weird but I just want to make this work, I don't know why I am so focused on doing that when he might not be.

[MissCanuck]

OP, he let another woman (and ex, no less) "cuddle" in bed with him. His boundaries are not good, even if they truly didn't get more physically intimate. She shouldn't have been staying over at all,let alone sharing a bed and getting that physically close. A man in a relationship needs to preserve his integrity and the integrity of his partnership. He completely dropped the ball on that, which makes him a poor candidate for a trusting, healthy union.

 

You probably still want to make this work because the pain is fresh and doesn't jive with the guy you thought you knew. You're still trying to make sense of his behaviour, and don't want to believe he was capable of that. Your desire to be with him, while seemingly irrational given the facts, is actually quite normal after a betrayal. However, I have a feeling that will subside in a little while and be replaced with anger. He didn't do anywhere near enough to respect you or your relationship. Ex waltzed in and right into his bed, and he was apparently happy to accommodate her. And then hid that from you. For me, there would be too many red flags to continue with this guy. I would prefer someone who displays much better judgment and a lot more respect.

[Hell_On_Heels]

I think you were wise to cancel your flight for now. You need some time to let the emotions out, and then see where you are at. Or, more honestly, to let your emotions catch up with your head. I believe you already know he's got commitment issues...and as wonderful as he may be, you can't ever really trust him to work on your relationship in the long run.

 

There's a great line from Fiddler On The Roof where the father says, "A bird may love a fish, but where will they make a home?" Oftentimes love isn't enough - we have to find someone compatible with us as well, meaning we need someone we love AND can make a home/life with. Neither the bird or the fish are wrong or bad. They simply can't make things work due to vast differences in their needs.

 

I say that because there is a lot of effort to rationalize his behavior. That's completely normal, we all do it when we've been betrayed. We play the "let's find a reason for this, and then it won't be a betrayal" game. We always lose that game, though. You already know this, too, because you have moments of complete clarity.

 

Give yourself time to let your heart accept what your mind already knows. You deserve to be loved as deeply and truly as you yourself love.