greengoldgrey Posted August 8, 2017 Share Posted August 8, 2017 I know this is long but I am completely lost on what to do and I need some advice. I met this guy probably 10 years ago and we were just acquaintances at first. He grew up where I live now but he moved to the other side of the country and last October he wrote me and we started chatting. We got along really well and talking to him was my favourite part of my day. He came home for over a month in December and we stared seeing each other and it was great, we clicked and fit together and it felt different from any time I have ever been with someone. I am in my early 30s so I have dated around/had enough boyfriends to have an idea of what works and doesn't. I liked him instantly and things just fit with us all the time. We met eachother's families and such and they all loved me and my family really liked him, it just worked. ..Except then he had to go home. Mind you in the back of my head (I told him this too) I was planning on moving near to where he is in a province he wants to eventually move to (British Columbia). Then he randomly decides to go to South America on a trip and invited me to join, I did for a month and it was one of the best trips of my life. He came back to my province to visit family and we hung out and did the same thing and agreed to not see other people. I was happy about that but he was always weary of putting the boyfriend/girlfriend label on things because we weren't "real" and didn't have a real foundation and didn't really know our future. Fair enough in my opinion. He is a logical thinker and he has always been pessimistic about us doing distance because he has a really crazy work schedule (he works on camp sites) and apparently it gets in the way of his relationships. Then things kinda get more serious when he is visiting (in a good way) and he mentioned me moving there a few times, I laughed it off at first but then said I would be up for it. Then he drunkenly almost tells me he loves me and then another time bring up our future while he is sober (marriage and babies a few times). I am over the moon at this point. Before I get into this part I do want to say he is a genuinely nice and good guy, he just messed up. He has treated me really well other than this. So I book a trip to go see him (his idea) and then I notice about a month ago he was distant for a week. I assumed it was work but then when he never wrote me for a full day (usually he write me first when he gets up) I asked him what was wrong as he basically told me his ex was in town and came to him crying wanting to get back together. He told me he didn’t want to get back together with her but he did consider it and he thought it was unfair to keep it from me. He said the breakup messed him up a lot and he owed it to himself to make sure he still wasn't in love with her. FYI they were together for 5 years and broke up 3-4 years ago and have been in other relationships. He also has said to me in the past their relationship wasn’t happy and she suffers from depression. But he did say that neither of them have found anything like what they had but he mostly attributes it to his work schedule. Also I know this girl from my childhood and she is known to kind of want what she can’t have and be competitive (which she has been with me in the past and she knew we were together). I also found out through a friend she tried to sleep with him but he shut her down when we were first dating and she said to a friend “he must be serious with (greengoldgrey) if he is turning ME down.” I was furious at her but never said anything because we're not close. Anyway so I am really upset but I kind of think I can deal with this so far. I felt betrayed he hung out with her in secret but he said that it was late and I was gone to bed and it was an impromptu thing so he never had a chance to tell me. I was upset he kept it from me for a week but I think it was him avoiding stress. Then he brought up the fact they hung out twice in a row and I found that odd then it dawned on me that it sounded like a sleepover. I asked him and sure enough he said she slept over but he thought he told me that (he never). He said nothing happened and I know he isn’t lying, he isn’t a type guy that would do that. But she did sleep in his bed and they cuddled. He honestly didn't even think he did anything wrong until he saw how upset I was. So technically I wasn’t cheated on but it was a huge betrayal of my trust. I was devastated. Couldn’t eat or sleep properly for a week almost. I thought I had a future with him, he was the first guy that talked about those things to me and I was planning on moving there. Not sure if I mentioned it but lately I was saying how I could move there after the next summer in 2018. After this, he said he didn’t want to continue this now doing distance because breaking up felt like the right thing because he was struggling with the distance but he sees a future with us possibly down the road. When I told him I wouldn’t wait for him if he wouldn’t wait for me he said we should take time to think about it instead. It’s like he can’t commit but he doesn’t want to cut ties either. Then I came back and said I didn’t want to be with him but now I don’t know if I am making the right decision. I want to be with him more than anything and I am willing to forgive him but he will need to gain back my trust. I don’t know if he is willing to do what I need him to do in order to trust him again and go back to normal. Also I ended up cancelling my flight but now I am not sure if I am just cutting things too quickly. Right now I feel like I am holding on to hope for our future and I wont move on if I don’t have closure. So I have conflicting feelings all the time. He is actually a really good guy and has treated me like gold other than this. I think he was really confused and he just messed up so it makes it hard and I really have strong feelings for him so I want it to work. He was really upset when we talked and was crying so he knows he made a mistake. Help me --- TLDR: Distance (semi)SO did something inappropriate with ex. I am willing to forgive. Link to comment
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