downhill.

[On The Road]

It's been hard lately. But im trying to deal with it. Isn't it funny how some of us pull away from the ones we love when something hurts?

 

One of my good friends tried to kill herself about 2-3 weeks ago. And this is going to sound so selfish, so yes i am aware of that, but she was the one that even when i did pull away from my closest friends i could always go and talk to her. she is one of those people that is just the easiest to talk to. But obviously i wasn't aware of her feelings. i mean, she talked to me, but not as easily as i did her. we aren't that close, but i have known her since i was 9. i feel horrible.

 

my plan was to basically pretend that it never happened. but i saw her on monday and she gave me a hug and that idea just went down the drain. its different now, because i know that i can't talk to her about my problems, the girl has enough to worry about. part of my plan was not to bug her and let her come to me if she needed to. i mean, she was in rehab for about a week and a few days and she had 6 stitches on her wrist. should this be affecting me as much as it is? maybe its that i am scared that she will never get over this. i have tried so hard in the past to help her, and maybe she is just too far gone that i can't help her. the worst part of it all was that i thought that over the past few months she was ok. and i feel bad that a few days before she did this i dumped my stupid problems on her. stupid stupid stupid. '

 

i am so glad she is ok, but now i have no idea how to act around her. I am scared that i will lose her, and i did tell her how worried i was when i found out. i almost threw up for goodness sakes.

 

not to mention that i have been having the worst thoughts myself. I am starting to plan a getaway on july 2nd (the day my biological mother whom i haven't seen or heard from in 11 years is coming.). It's better then physically harming myself... omg i can't believe that just came out. I can't disappoint my friends and family, but i need someone to talk to. and up until recently, that was my friend.

[DN]

Actually, you should ask her if you can tell her your problems. Sometimes dealing with other people's concerns puts your own into perspective. It will also make her feel that her life does have a value to others as she can help them with theirs. It may be therapeutic for her. But ask her first and gauge her reaction to know how to proceed.