Mixed signals from Ex - Help me move on.

[Rustler14]

Hi there,

 

This is my first post in an online forum. I really hope someone out there can offer me some help and guidance, perhaps through their own experience. This is quite a lengthy story so buckle up for the ride................................

 

Back in 2014 I met a great guy and formed a relationship (my first same sex relationship having previously led a straight life). We were together for 9 months and it was by far the best time of my life. We wanted the same things in life, stable relationship, house, secure careers etc, both of us had common goals and got on a like a house on fire. We never argued or fell out during our time together which is quite a rarity. It really was the match made in heaven and I don't say that lightly as we both thought this. However, my partner was struggling to deal with some family issues (wasn't out to all of the family) and decided to end our relationship, although at the time I didn't know about the family issues - he just said he couldn't carry on any more, as much as he wanted to and walked away from our relationship just like that with no explanation. I was absolutely gutted. Completely heartbroken as all our aspirations and dreams were shattered into a million pieces. I was left feeling awful and struggled to cope without him. When he left, he did say he wanted to remain in contact as friends which I did say I would have to think about as I didn't think I could remain friends with someone who I was head over heels in love with which he understood. He agreed to give me time to think it through. I was hurting.

 

After about 6/7 weeks of no contact and being in a complete state, I managed to string together a heart felt email which I sent to my ex. In short it contained my feelings of confusion, heartbreak and sadness at our split, I asked the reason for the split so that I could maybe have closure and try to move on. The email was pleasant and heartfelt and in no way angry or aimed at having a go - It was simply saying how sad the whole thing was...................He never responded. For the second time in a matter of months I was hurt. Perhaps more so with this lack of response. So many questions and no answers.

 

The next 2 years were spent stuck in a rut. No closure, no reason for the split. Constantly asking myself what went wrong, who was to blame, how could a wonderful relationship suddenly end with no reason. Was he having an affair, did the family stop the relationship, was it something I said, was it something I did, round and round in circles with no answers. I was exhausted. Completely drained and no further forward. I let this situation stop me from moving on with my life.

 

Then, out of the blue 2.5 years after we split, my ex emails to ask how I am. I was completely stunned and shocked to hear from him. I have to admit when I first read the email I was both filled with excitement and sadness. It was great to hear from him but I also felt anxious. For the next few months we sent each other several emails. His were of a genuine interest in my life, asking about my work, house etc as again we shared the same values and aspirations and I did the same too. The tone of his emails were reminiscing of the past and in those emails he admitted that the reason for the relationship ending was he couldn't handle the pressure he was facing from the family - ie: Maintaining a relationship whilst trying to keep it a secret from the family. I accepted this but did say he could have handled it better by talking to me about it rather than simply walk away from it. In relation to ignoring my email he said that he simply stuck his head in the sand, could not face dealing with it and tried to make it all go away by keeping busy. Again, I said this hurt me greatly and he apologised. We continued to talk on email which was lovely and eventually he asked if I would go for dinner or a drink. Why I asked myself? Is it to make amends? Is it to stay friends? Is it to make himself feel better for what he did? To make me feel better? I responded by saying it was a good idea but I need to be sure I can handle the situation as I still have feelings *important* so I asked for some time to think this through which he completely understood. Fast forward a month and I eventually get my head around that we may be able to go for a drink / coffee although inside I know this would kill me as I still had feelings (Most of my friends were saying do not meet as it will mess with your head). I got used to the idea that we could actually form a friendship and maybe we could actually meet up once in a while and not feel awkward if we met in the street. I send the email agreeing to meet...............He fails to respond again....... I am fuming. So I decide to ring him and discuss (first time in 3 years), he apologises and says he was busy as he's decided to leave the area soon to start a new job so was sorting that out. Whilst speaking to him on the phone, he agrees to meet me but I warn him that I had residual feelings from last time which I've not dealt with. He suggests that if it's going to cause problems then maybe best not meet to which I say no we need to do this as I need to have some closure at which point the bombshell arrives..............He tells me he's currently dating someone........I was stunned and taken aback by this. Literally speechless. I ended the call and agreed to meet still but I was left reeling, humiliated, I felt stupid and vulnerable. So many questions;

 

Why have you been contacting me whilst dating someone new?

Why have we exchanged a huge number of emails which have been both personal and reminiscing about the past?

You told me you missed what we had.

You said you dealt with the situation badly.

Why did you suggest we meet for dinner?

What are you after?

Why have you now hurt me again for the third time?

Did you not think to mention you are dating someone whilst emailing me?

Does that person know you've been in contact with me?

 

A few days later, he contacts me and cancels the meet up as he thinks it's unfair on any of us and believes we'd both come away from it feeling sad?! (the only person to feel sad is me as you appear to have moved on?) Initially I was angry as I wanted my closure but understood his view. I requested a phone call with him which he agreed.

 

During the phone call he confirmed the reason for the split as above, confirmed the reason why he didn't respond to the initial email as above and then said the reason he initially made contact with me on email after 2 years was to check I was ok. He said he would not have asked me to dinner/drink if he believed I still had feelings for him. He also confirmed he was moving away soon to start a new job. I asked him why he failed to mention he was dating someone new and he told me he didn’t feel it appropriate to drop it into the emails.

 

So, I'm now left in complete limbo.

 

I can't help thinking that he made contact with me because he still had feelings. Why would you send a tonne of emails talking about the good times we had together?

 

Is he still interested?

 

Why ask me out to dinner?

 

Does he have residual feelings too?

 

Why was he dating and emailing me?

 

If the situation has not changed with the family then why are you dating someone new?

 

Why are you dating someone new when your about to leave the area?

 

Are you running away from the family by moving area?

 

So many questions. Not many answers.

 

I appreciate it is very difficult for me to express the situation across in this forum as there's so much more detail and feeling behind this situation but I would appreciate any views/opinions/experiences which may help me move on from this. I am so hurt and confused and not for the first time. I'm not sure I can carry on with the emotional roller coaster. I want to cut all ties but for some reason I can't. I think I’m still in love with this guy, or am I in love with the idea of it?

I’d give anything to go back 3 years and be together again.

 

Please feel free to ask questions if it helps form your response.

 

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[IAmFCA]

This man is chaos.

 

It doesn't matter why. (i know it seems it does. hold that thought.)

 

First, accept that he is not your man, not the man for you.

 

Accept it! Why do zebras have stripes? Who knows!

 

As with zebras, his way serves some purpose FOR HIM. Its crap for you. And YOU are your first priority.

 

My questions are Why are you hung up on this man after two years? What purpose does it serve for you? Can you face the idea that you will find someone else, AFTER you are comfortable with yourself?

 

You do not need this man's validation. You do need your own. Spend your energy on your own self awareness. Accept your own stripes, whatever they are. Own your stripes. Love your stripes. Rock your stripes.

 

To heck with this drama queen who is in hiding with his fam. When he accepts himself and lives authentically, maybe he will be ready to resist their pressure and date like a grown up.

 

Be your own best advocate.

[sinigang]

Im so sorry, but he was just bored.

You can't really understand what I just said if you haven't been in both sides of the equation. I have. I string(strung?lol) someone along before. Im not proud of it but it gives me the knowledge to know if I am being given false hope, or making a fool of - just for the sake of that person's ego. Move on hon. Move on right now. If someone truly wants you, they'll be right there next to you or be on the phone with you. Be kind to yourself.

[jennylove]

Or he wanted some side booty

[crikket61]

The heart feels what the heart feels. Yours just happens to feel it more. The reason you struggle is because he was there when you found your love. You associate that with him. The truth is that he has made his choice and no excuse will make you feel better. His reasons are perhaps a bit selfish. The way he has treated you now is not the way your love can grow. He is making that clear. It hurts and it's unfair but you have unlocked a part of you that is priceless. Share that and you will find your reward. Wish him the best and love again. Your heart (feelings) will never be the same. That's not always a bad thing. Be thankful for the experience and be a better man for it.

[Hollyj]

This guy is a selfish, manipulative, disrespectful jerk. He is stringing you along as has NO intention of having anything with you. He does this for his ego. LOOK AT THE ACTIONS!!!!

 

You must listen to your friends: stay away from this guy. He is also not friend material, as he has shown you, over and over.

 

Please, get therapy, so that you can move on from this. Your closure, is that he is a selfsh jerk, and you deserve better. There is no future here!!!

[Hollyj]

Block and delete!

 

If you continue with this, you will only have yourself to blame.

[IAmFCA]

What I especially like about Crikket's post is that it accepts you and your feelings. So glad Crikket posted.

 

Many will be stern with you in an attempt to lend you some of their (our) strength. Crikket has it right.

 

It is okay that you have felt as you have, that you feel as you do. It is okay so long as you choose to feel that way and don't mind that the rest of your life, your happiness, your appreciation of yourself, is on hold.

 

You have all the power, if you don't give it away. Your power is yours. You have the right to treat yourself as you wish -- and the responsibility to treat yourself well.

 

None of us truly know his reasons. But a few of yours we might take a guess at. You will find his reasons and yours are the same, displayed in mirror images of each other.

 

You were new to a same sex relationship. He is hiding his sexual orientation for fear of judgment. It seems likely that you both are learning to accept your attraction to men, figure out how the homo piece fits with rest of you, the hetero past, the unwritten future. Figure out if you are the same or different because of it. Figure out if you are lovable as a gay man.

 

His way of dealing is to avoid attachments (after making/allowing others attach to him). Your way is to attach early and deeply, supplanting your approval of yourself with his approval of you.

 

Both approaches are ways to avoid truly intimate relationships. Your focus on him allows you to avoid focusing on yourself. Your attachment is a way to avoid being judged as a peer.

 

It is time for you to stand in the light. Test yourself. Accept defeat. Accept imperfection. Life is one long learning journey. If you were perfect, you'd have nothing to do.

 

Your journey departs from his. You must let him go if you are ever to find your own way.

[IAmFCA]

addendum

 

to my point about imperfection...

 

we each are perfect, by definition, because humanity is incapable of being with flaw. See each point of yours as a trait or a skill, not as bad or good.

 

Your bisexual experience gives you skills I don't have. My fwb does though and wishes I did too. You are good as you are, and lovable. Practice.

[Rustler14]

Thank you to everyone who has commented so far. I really appreciate you taking the time to read my lengthy post and offer a response. I have noticed a similar theme to all of the responses which I will take on board and will hopefully use to move myself on. Further comments/suggestions all welcome.

[Rustler14]

I just thought I'd send you a quick message to you all to say thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. Your posts have really helped me put things into perspective. It takes me a while to let things sink in but your posts have certainly resonated with me and I believe I now know what I need to do. Thanks again,