Officially giving up on finding love

[crickets99]

Hello,

 

im 28/F, bisexual but more into women then men and my whole dating life has been a complete failure. I've never officially had a boyfriend, just a few fwb situations and dated a couple of guys but they never went anywhere or turned into anything. Ive only been in 2 short term relationships with women which ended over one reason or the other and pretty much never worked out. Ive slept with 3 other women but eventually they all decided not to pursue anything further with me.

 

I guess im at the point now where im wrapping up my 20s and about to hit 30 soon, whilst i watch everyone around me my age get married, have kids, or are in happily long term relationships and it depresses me to no end. Ive taken almost a year off dating and reinvented myself. Lost a ton of weight, fixed up my appearance, focused on my goals and have done an excellent job at it. I then meet a woman who i instantly fell for, we had an amazing connection, lots in common and bonded great, had really fun dates & everything seemed to be going well and for once i felt like i might have a "winner" on my hands. Well turns out i was wrong. She messages me last night and tells me shes not ready for a relationship and doesnt see a future with me. Despite telling me when we first started talking that she was "open" to a relationship, flirted with me heaps on our dates, talked about having a future together etc and now this....im blown away. I dont know what i did to change her mind about me but im absolutely crushed about it. But i guess its my own fault for getting too attached to her and getting my hopes up.

 

This sort of situation happens to me time and time again and quite frankly im done with it. Whenever i think things are going well and there could be a possibility for a relationship i get shat on like this. So with this in mind, ive decided maybe im one of those unlucky people in life who are just meant to be single and relationships dont seem to be on the cards for me in this life time. To make matters worse, im a massive introvert and a homebody. I also get socially anxious when im out & about and this makes it difficult to meet people. But im in therapy for that.

 

I guess if i had to list all the things i dont do right when it comes to dating i would have to put it down to being too boring and not making moves on them incase they dont find me attractive. I dont have an interesting life, i work, pay my bills, see friends, im not really into parties and night clubs, and i go to the gym and on the odd occasion i might go to an event if i feel up to it. I also still live at home with my mom because of bad choices ive made in the past which seems to put a lot of people off. Ive tried dating sites/apps for the last 10 years and have gotten absolutely nowhere with them. Ive met a lot of people on there but again it never goes anywhere. It seems the only people attracted to me are the ones i dont find physically attractive. And if by chance one of the ones i do find attractive likes me, they never seem to fall for me and pretty much always friendzone me.

 

So now i just don't have the enthusiasm or the interest to put myself out there and try again. I cant be bothered jumping through peoples hoops and getting to know them, putting in effort only for them to turn around and say they dont feel the same way about me. Im totally over it and i dont find dating enjoyable at all. The pay off isn't worth it and im much better just being single, doing my own thing. Its just the loneliness and seeing couples out and about doing couples stuff and im not fortunate enough to experience what its really like.

 

Is there anyone else who feels the same way?? Id love to hear your thoughts or any advice you can give me because im just about done with it all.

[Keyman]

 

I guess im at the point now where im wrapping up my 20s and about to hit 30 soon, whilst i watch everyone around me my age get married, have kids, or are in happily long term relationships and it depresses me to no end. Ive taken almost a year off dating and reinvented myself.

 

So with this in mind, ive decided maybe im one of those unlucky people in life who are just meant to be single and relationships dont seem to be on the cards for me in this life time. To make matters worse, im a massive introvert and a homebody. I also get socially anxious when im out & about and this makes it difficult to meet people. But im in therapy for that.

 

.

 

Firstly, our society tells us that if we get into a relationship/marriage we have succeeded at life. That the only way we can be happy in our life is by achieving this black and white goal that society sets for us. Then people run around getting all depressed because they are the colour red and can't fit into this black and white architecture. And now we people who have decided not to pursue this goal are the unlucky ones? Honestly, having spent a lot of time on this site, I feel like I'm one of the lucky ones.

 

I am also sorry that your dating life has not gone so well. I reached a similar point many years ago and wondered why I was aiming for this goal that society had set me and wondering why I was always unhappy (whether in or out of a relationship). So I took the goal posts down and set myself a new goal. I was just going to be happy and get on and achieve goals that 'I' set for myself. Years later and I am happier than I have ever been, I've travelled, I've lived in different cultures, I've met amazing people, I've done things I never thought I would, I've written novels. Yes, I get lonely from time to time, but only rarely. Life is good.

 

I do see a challenge for you though as you come into your 30s and your body clock starts to step up its pace. But I applaud you for working hard on yourself and achieving personal goals. We all don't have to be in relationships or have children and by simply taking that off the life plan you might see a change in your overall happiness.

[hidden_kitten]

Crickets, I'm wrestling with this myself right now. Facing 30 next month. Got dumped a couple of years ago when I was adamant it was for the long haul/making a family. Haven't dated since. One guy seemed interested a few months ago but quickly backtracked for whatever reason.

 

The thought of "getting out there" again, setting up dating profiles just makes me shudder. However I distinctly remember going through a thought process in my head a year or so ago where I thought, what if I don't go down the route of chasing the elusive mr right and pop out lots of sprogs, just do what I wanted, and a weight lifted. The industry I wanted to work in (and put on hiatus so I could move for ex-boyf) isn't really conducive to having spare time/building a family but it still tugs at me.

 

Keyman articulates it much better then I do. The one thing I do wish for, is an off switch for crushes/sexual desire haha! That would make things a lot less painful