Should one prove he is worth respect?

[Rebeca]

Hi people

 

I posted several times before about my ex with whom I had a 2 years old relationship before he decided he wanted to break up with me. He then came back to me but after a fight, we broke up again. This happend one year ago. Two months ago we got back together because he wanted me back and now I am the one who 4 days ago broke up with him.

 

The reason being: he has no respect for me whatsoever when it comes to fights and several other aspects. He thinks he is always right, whereas I am always wrong therefore he rarely to never apologizes to me when I tell him something he did has hurt me or if I tell him that I don't like his behavior towards me. He is constantly complaining about my flaws and I don't believe I should feel like the worst person in the world in a relationship. Why would he be with me anyway if he thinks that badly of me?

 

Some of my flaws that he is complaining about are: I am often late at meetings, I tend to postpone them or cancel them an hour or two before, I don't keep some of my promises such as that I would try and change my clumsiness or that I would try and be less forgetful or careless with things, I am not a very social person, actually I am pretty shy and it's hard for me to talk to new people that's why I stay more in his presence at parties and this can be annoying to him sometimes, I get tired easily so I am a party pooper too, etc. He also "advised" me to read on some logic because I "obviously" lack it when we discuss our relationship problems or any other philosophical talk. He tells me that I have no logic or argumentative skills and that's why our fights and discussions don't flow swiftly and smoothly. He makes me think that I am a fool but the thing is, each time I show my conversations with him to my friends ( who are more than capable and intelligent people; some of them are studying medicine or programming or math at faculty), they confirm to me that he's the one complicated and with no logic and overly exaggerating and over reacting.

 

Look, I know I am not a perfect person and I have my flaws that I am aware of and that are being hard to change and that can get people annoyed, but he is exaggerating with so many of them and sometimes if not often times he is accusing me of ridiculous things that I certainly did not do, such as cheating on him. I gave him no reason to believe that. He would make up all these ridiculous reasons such as that my friends looked at him in a certain way when we went out and that means in his mind that they were surprised to see I am going out with him because I obviously have somebody else. Like what?

 

I feel that other times when something is bothering him about me but he can't complain, instead of telling me about it, he takes revenge on me.

 

He is so hard to deal with, I can't get him to make any compromise on his part. And he is always making me feeling so guilty.

 

When I try and confront him about it he tells me that I first must prove him that I am worth respect and then he would treat me like such.

 

I tried being empathetic, it did not work. I tried my best at changing my flaws but for him, I am not trying hard enough. I tried explaining to him that he can point out my mistakes without insulting me but he excuses himself telling me that he is not such a patience person and I am very annoying.

 

So I broke up with him. And then he accused me of cheating, lying to him and all the horrible things I know I would have never done to him.

 

Is he right that respect is earned? Do I deserve such a bad treatment because I can't change some of my flaws? Do I deserve so many false accusations ( with NO real and good proof) just because in his mind, I gave him those impressions? He tells me he can't trust me because according to him, if I don't keep my promise of changing my behavior, then I am not to be trusted therefore he can think the worst about me.

 

I am so hurting and I have contradicting feelings towards him. I do think he is right on some matters, but shouldn't he mostly accept me for who I am then try to change me? Is he manipulating me?

 

I had a weak moment and today I called him and we talked on the phone. He told me he would get together with me but he would not invest any time in me anymore because I must prove to him something until that. And I was almost agreeing with him however I wanted him to prove me something too and to work on it together. But he refused, as always, because he doesn't think he did any wrong. He always wants to do it on his terms.

 

What do you think? Sorry for my possible bad English, I am not a native speaker of it.

[LaHermes]

Rebeca. He is projecting!

 

He is so hard to deal with, I can't get him to make any compromise on his part. And he is always making me feeling so guilty.

 

When I try and confront him about it he tells me that I first must prove him that I am worth respect and then he would treat me like such.

 

I tried being empathetic, it did not work. I tried my best at changing my flaws but for him, I am not trying hard enough. I tried explaining to him that he can point out my mistakes without insulting me but he excuses himself telling me that he is not such a patience person and I am very annoying.

 

In actual fact he is being abusive.

 

More projection:

 

He also "advised" me to read on some logic because I "obviously" lack it when we discuss our relationship problems or any other philosophical talk.

 

You don't have to prove anything to anyone. Nor do you deserve bad treatment. Anyhow what is so GREAT about this offensive individual that you are so bent on being in a "relationship" with him. This is not the middle ages, OP, where you are the slave of some satrap, your lord and master, who can treat you as he pleases, and expects you and other underlings to kowtow to him.

 

Of course he is manipulating you!

 

What is so lovely and comfortable about this relationship that you wanted to beg to be taken back. Find your pride and self-worth.

 

Also, you are ONLY 19!!!

 

Enjoy your young years, and keep away from individuals like the one described.

[Rebeca]

I think I am so aware of my flaws and my insecurities, so self-conscious about them that I don't really trust myself so much. But I am not blind. And can very well see what are his mistakes.

 

I also love him deeply and he makes me feel great other times. I feel like I can learn from him in different areas.

 

It's so hard to cope without him. All this time we were broken up in the past ( nearly 10 months), I was trying to figure out his behavior in my mind with the help of past happenings and I still loved him.

 

It feels hard to accept that the one you love could be so mean and not understanding

[LaHermes]

Rebeca.

 

It is not his job to be your "lecturer" and drill sergeant.

 

Why is it so hard to cope on your own? You surely have some friend, relatives and then there is always the option of professional help to address your issues.

 

Everyone has flaws, of one kind or another, that doesn't mean one has to be berated and belittled about those.

 

I also love him deeply

 

This is a mystery. Also, it is not his job either to "make you feel great".

 

You must work on making yourself feel great, R.

[MissCanuck]

This guy is a jerk, and you are wasting your time with him.

 

Get rid of him for good, so you can find someone who respects you. He doesn't, at all. This isn't love.

[seanryder]

If someone doesn't respect you...they can never love you. Does he respect you? He's not a very nice guy, don't tolerate his garbage.