Cheated on GF Two Months Ago

[AtitAgain]

Quick break down.

 

I was married before for 2.5 years. Separated since September (I left). Was alone until end of February. Proposed living apart but still seeing each other - ex refused several times. In February I decided to move on.

 

In the end of February I started seeing a girl I met on Tinder (see my other post for details). Started an exclusive relationship with her.

 

From the middle of March onwards my ex-wife kept calling and texting me to see if I wanted to come over to her place to have sex. I refused several times. Eventually in the middle of April I agreed to it. I spent a Saturday at her place, had sex several times that day. Another time about a week later, I went over again to grab some mail, and it happened again. After that second time, I refused to let it happen again, and made it clear that this is now no longer an option, as I am in a relationship.

 

Since then I have not cheated on my GF at all, and have no intentions of doing so. I am happy in my relationship. I do feel somewhat bad for what happened, but have decided to not tell my GF, as I fear it will just be a source of pain to her, and cause us to lose what we have. I had never cheated on anyone before... and don't plan on doing it again. I love my GF, and what I did was extremely unfair to her...

 

Thoughts?

[Annia]

You're in no way ready to have another relationship so soon after separating from your ex wife and it shows... I think.

[yonderkthx]

I'm probably endorsing an unpopular opinion here by saying: it's not absolutely imperative you need to tell her. I think, because you cheated during the development of the new relationship that only just started in February, it's not as severe or obligatory than the alternative scenario where you're 1, 2 years in, with so much invested, and you've met someone new. Two, three months into a relationship where the boundaries aren't so clear, and the direction mostly uncertain...I feel it's a little more forgivable.

 

However, only you can decide how much those two spats weigh on your conscience. If you find yourself settling on thoughts of your ex-wife still, then tell your girlfriend. Feeling "somewhat bad" about it is one thing; it's another to be in a moral quandary over it.

 

Either decision--to withhold, to tell--will hurt your girlfriend immensely. Whether she can trust you after telling her / finding out is something that's probably going to be out of your control. If she can't trust you, it's pretty much over. Dwell on those consequences and decide wisely. Best of luck, this one's tough.

[AtitAgain]

I'm probably endorsing an unpopular opinion here by saying: it's not absolutely imperative you need to tell her. I think, because you cheated during the development of the new relationship that only just started in February, it's not as severe or obligatory than the alternative scenario where you're 1, 2 years in, with so much invested, and you've met someone new. Two, three months into a relationship where the boundaries aren't so clear, and the direction mostly uncertain...I feel it's a little more forgivable.

 

The one thing that kind of gets to me, is that I was the one who told her from early on. "If you are going to be with me, then it is just me. I am not saying that you need to commit to anything, but I am not open to us seeing other people at the same time". And as far as I know she has stuck to this, and has been nothing but very kind and loving to me... so yeah that kind of sucks, feels hypocritical.

 

Besides that though, I am not in any moral crisis. I know what I did. I know I don't plan on doing it again. I did not do it because something is lacking in my relationship. I don't have feelings for my ex, but can't deny that I am still attracted to her. It was a bit of a mix of a power trip mixed with physical lust (I was rejected sexually a lot in my marriage... so to have it pretty much begged off me... power trip).

 

I just can't see any benefit from telling my girl. I can live with this, I don't feel like I caused her any harm... for some reason it would have felt worse to me if I had gone after some other woman for sex, instead of giving in to my ex.

[MissCanuck]

You really should not be in a relationship right now, OP. You are clearly not committed.

 

And despite what you think, you are lacking something in your relationship: respect and honesty and true investment.

 

My suggestion is that you break up with your girlfriend so that you can be single for a good while. Get divorced. Date around, sleep around, go nuts. But now is not the time for commitment, as you've proved to yourself.

 

You are also running the risk your girlfriend will find out anyway. You are being naive to think that it could never get back to her.

[Annia]

Another additional point but that is usually disregarded in situations like this: I'm hoping that you used a condom... cheating can jeopardize people's health when they are careless and the saddest is that the cheated person can't usually have say in this.

[AtitAgain]

Another additional point but that is usually disregarded in situations like this: I'm hoping that you used a condom... cheating can jeopardize people's health when they are careless and the saddest is that the cheated person can't usually have say in this.

 

I can assure you that neither myself or my ex are at any risk of STD's / Pregnancy. And my current GF (unless she herself has slept around - which I doubt), is also at no risk.

[AtitAgain]

You really should not be in a relationship right now, OP. You are clearly not committed.

 

And despite what you think, you are lacking something in your relationship: respect and honesty and true investment.

 

My suggestion is that you break up with your girlfriend so that you can be single for a good while. Get divorced. Date around, sleep around, go nuts. But now is not the time for commitment, as you've proved to yourself.

 

You are also running the risk your girlfriend will find out anyway. You are being naive to think that it could never get back to her.

 

These are all valid points that I have thought about. Originally when I decided to move on I was not planning on getting in a relationship. I just wanted to have some fun.... but I am not really the "go nuts" type of guy... Even though sometimes I wish I was.

 

And yes, there is definitely a chance that my ex could tell my gf (facebook is a ), to get back at me, due to how the divorce plays out or whatever else. This is out of my control though, and I don't see the point of losing sleep over it... can't do anything about it. Besides that I let my ex know that it is not in her best interest to do so...

[MissCanuck]

These are all valid points that I have thought about. Originally when I decided to move on I was not planning on getting in a relationship. I just wanted to have some fun.... but I am not really the "go nuts" type of guy... Even though sometimes I wish I was.

 

And yes, there is definitely a chance that my ex could tell my gf (facebook is a ), to get back at me, due to how the divorce plays out or whatever else. This is out of my control though, and I don't see the point of losing sleep over it... can't do anything about it. Besides that I let my ex know that it is not in her best interest to do so...

 

Actually, it's in your best interest that she doesn't do so. I can't see what your ex-wife would really stand to lose. You're already not together, and it's not as though her moral compass functions well either.

 

Anyway, the point you need to think about is that you obviously are not in a position to be committing to anyone. From here on out, your relationship with your girlfriend is based on a lie.

[Annia]

May I say that you say that you know this won't happen again, but you don't seem to be taking lots of responsibility about what happened nor feel much guilt about it which are two focal points to not repeat cheating. And even if you don't cheat again, you're forgetting that you just got out of a marriage (if you are even yet divorced) and everything is still fresh and that might make you not acting in a committed way in other ways besides cheating. A person can be non committal through other more subtle ways.

 

Also when people rebound so fast and get into relationships too strong too soon after the previous one, it might happen that feelings go away fast as well. I've seen it happen and it's not fair for the person who is the rebound. You owe it to your new girlfriend to take care of her feelings and be respectful the best way you can.

[AtitAgain]

Actually, it's in your best interest that she doesn't do so. I can't see what your ex-wife would really stand to lose. You're already not together, and it's not as though her moral compass functions well either.

 

Anyway, the point you need to think about is that you obviously are not in a position to be committing to anyone. From here on out, your relationship with your girlfriend is based on a lie.

 

Its not in her best interest because up to this point I am being more than reasonable in how our divorce and division of assets plays out. If she goes out of her way to cause problems for me though, that is where my cooperation ends. What would she get out of this, besides maybe the thrill of causing a problem for somebody else? Anyway... like I said I can't control her or what she does. If she does this though, she would be doing both her and I a great dis-service.

 

In a way you are right, the relationship at the moment has a lie hidden in it. But I don't agree that it is based on a lie. My feelings for my gf are not based on what I did with my ex. Besides this issue (saying like it is a small thing... I am aware that it is not), I have been a great BF to her.

[AtitAgain]

May I say that you say that you know this won't happen again, but you don't seem to be taking lots of responsibility about what happened nor feel much guilt about it which are two focal points to not repeat cheating.

 

Also when people rebound so fast and get into relationships too strong too soon after the previous one, it might happen that feelings go away fast as well.

 

Fair enough. Like I said, I am probably not feeling as bad about this as maybe I should...

 

That is also fair. I have a lot in common with my gf, and love her. I don't think this will be an issue. However, it might very well happen this way, and I could break her heart. Should I give up on a relationship where we are both happy, because of "ifs" though? ... hmmm ... I don't think it is the best way to go given the circumstances.

[mustlovedogs]

You don't love her. If you did, you wouldn't have cheated (let alone numerous times) AND you would feel bad.

 

You are rebounding and shouldn't be in a relationship right now.

[AtitAgain]

You don't love her. If you did, you wouldn't have cheated (let alone numerous times) AND you would feel bad.

 

You are rebounding and shouldn't be in a relationship right now.

 

It was twice - two months into knowing her. I do feel bad, I just don't feel awful, like my world is going to end. I should probably feel worse than what I do... I don't know why, but the fact that it was with my ex wife makes me feel not as bad about it... which is messed up...

[mustlovedogs]

It was twice - two months into knowing her. I do feel bad, I just don't feel awful, like my world is going to end. I should probably feel worse than what I do... I don't know why, but the fact that it was with my ex wife makes me feel not as bad about it... which is messed up...

 

And you're trying to defend why it's ok.

 

It was more than twice, FYI. I count every instance of sex as a time you could have said no.

 

Break up with her and BE SINGLE.

[AtitAgain]

And you're trying to defend why it's ok.

 

It was more than twice, FYI. I count every instance of sex as a time you could have said no.

 

Break up with her and BE SINGLE.

 

I am not trying to defend anything. It was not okay, it was unfair to my GF, and just a bad idea overall. It was wrong, but for some reason I don't feel as bad about it as I probably should...

 

hey, maybe I am an entitled bastard. I have no plans of ever doing it again though. I never cheated in anyone in the past and no intentions of doing it again. It is weird to me, I think that I should feel worse than I do...

[HeartGoesOn]

How long have you been divorced?

[AtitAgain]

Not divorced yet. Separated since September 1st. In Canada unless you have been separated for a year, the only way to get a divorce is either by proof of "violence/cruelty", or by adultery.

 

In my case, since I am in a new relationship I am open to apply for a divorce at any time. Ex and I are still negotiating our division of assets though.

[mustlovedogs]

Honestly I bet the courts wouldn't allow a divorce in your case (of a relationship) because you cheated on her with your ex.

[AtitAgain]

Honestly I bet the courts wouldn't allow a divorce in your case (of a relationship) because you cheated on her with your ex.

 

Huh??? I am saying that I am not divorced from my ex yet. I am still legally married. However, since there has been adultery (I slept with another person), both my ex and I are free to apply for a divorce at any time.

[mustlovedogs]

Huh??? I am saying that I am not divorced from my ex yet. I am still legally married. However, since there has been adultery (I slept with another person), both my ex and I are free to apply for a divorce at any time.

 

Yes. I get that.

 

I'm saying the judge, if he learned you slept with your ex wife (or whatever you call her), may not grant the immediate divorce because it was done while you were "in a relationship"

 

Perhaps your ex did this to hold you to the fire so you can't get divorced.

[HeartGoesOn]

Not to sound harsh, but how does entering a "new relationship" work when you're still married?

[AtitAgain]

Hmm, never thought of that, could be right.

 

In any case, I doubt that I would be applying for divorce before September since we are still negotiating. I don't want to have to get lawyers involved, etc... or at least keep it to the minimum required. Come September 1st, it won't matter... 1YR separation rule kicks in.

[AtitAgain]

Not to sound harsh, but how does entering a "new relationship" work when you're still married?

 

Well... you start seeing someone. You tell them that you are separated, since when you have been separated (which I did). Explain that you will be getting divorced, but are still in the process of working it out. I have been very clear about these things.

 

I live my life as if I am not married... though legally I am. Maybe this is why I don't feel as bad about what I did. It's just messed up though. If I had a friend in my situation I would think that he is a piece of scum for not feeling bad about sleeping with his ex...

[mustlovedogs]

Perhaps you don't feel bad because you still have feelings.