Cheated on GF Two Months Ago

[HeartGoesOn]

^

To each their own. However, this sounds like complicated mess that could be avoided simply by slowing down.

 

Your call...

[AtitAgain]

^

To each their own. However, this sounds like complicated mess that could be avoided simply by slowing down.

 

Your call...

 

I really did not plan on starting a relationship... I was just done and wanted to move on. Went out with my girl just looking to date casually and have some fun, and then... well here we are.

 

[WombatShadow]

I really did not plan on starting a relationship... I was just done and wanted to move on. Went out with my girl just looking to date casually and have some fun, and then... well here we are.

 

 

That's pretty much the definition of a rebound. You wanted to move on, so you "moved on" to the nearest available person, thinking it would be just casual and brief. Then you remembered how good it feels to have access to someone who adores on you and who's just there for you, and you let yourself slide into the feelings of the relationship instead of the feelings for your date/girlfriend. You're still stuck at least somewhat on your ex-wife, and you need to come clean to your girlfriend. She deserves at least that from you.

[AtitAgain]

I guess we both rebounded on each other lol. She also was recently out of a 2 year relationship just prior to meeting me.

 

The issue I have with coming clean is that I simply can't imagine any positive outcome from it. What good would it do? The math just does not compute.

[WombatShadow]

I guess we both rebounded on each other lol. She also was recently out of a 2 year relationship just prior to meeting me.

 

The issue I have with coming clean is that I simply can't imagine any positive outcome from it. What good would it do? The math just does not compute.

 

What?!

 

It would let your girlfriend know the truth! It would let her know what kind of person you are, and regardless of your other qualities you, sir, are now a cheater. You say with such certainty that you're never going to cheat again, but how about keeping secrets and lying? If you have any feelings for this woman at all, why would you continue to lie to her about something that is definitely a big deal? If you come clean now, it's going to be a lot prettier than if it comes out a few years down the road and a lot less painful for her.

 

Whether it's good for you to tell her or not is questionable. I'd say it is, because your main reasoning behind your ex not telling her is that you'll mess around with the divorce process if she does. What happens when you two are totally and legally finished, huh? When she doesn't have to worry about you holding her property or money hostage? She finally gets to tell your girlfriend the whole stinkin' truth with no repercussions, that's what. Also, if you continue to keep lying like this you're going down a slippery slope of morality. One lie leads to more leads to more.

[AtitAgain]

Yep. I totally get your point. Thanks, will think about it.

[kang98]

You really should not be in a relationship right now, OP. You are clearly not committed.

 

And despite what you think, you are lacking something in your relationship: respect and honesty and true investment.

 

My suggestion is that you break up with your girlfriend so that you can be single for a good while. Get divorced. Date around, sleep around, go nuts. But now is not the time for commitment, as you've proved to yourself.

 

You are also running the risk your girlfriend will find out anyway. You are being naive to think that it could never get back to her.

 

I was in a long term relationship for five years. In the last year, I went to go visit him and attend a special event with him. On my second day there, a received a message on Facebook from a "friend" of his. She didn't say anything, she just sent me pictures of them together. He had been cheating on me for the last three months. He told the girl that he had no intention of leaving me, and would never tell me of the affair. He explained that it had an expiration date since he would be coming home that year. Well she was angry that he kept it a secret and decided to tell me herself. So, you never know what your ex may do. She was probably jealous once you got involved again, and used sex to hang on to you in a sense. I don't know her, but you never know what may happen with that secret. I can honestly tell you that it killed me that he didn't tell me himself. Just something to think about...

[EternalOptimis]

It doesn't matter if you're with her two months or two days. You cheated. Worse, " I was the one who told her from early on. "If you are going to be with me, then it is just me. I am not saying that you need to commit to anything, but I am not open to us seeing other people at the same time", so there is really no ambiguity there. You violated her trust.

If you don't tell her, you're doing again what you did in cheating; putting self-interest first.

You need to tell her, or risk building what may well be a good relationship, on a lie.

The ONLY exception to this rule is if you're leaving her immediately, in which case it can be argued you're protecting her from further hurt.

[lostandhurt]

You are using this new woman as a rebound to make yourself feel better just like you used your ex for sex.

 

You are not divorced, cheated on your new girl and are supposedly in love after a few months when you haven't even finished off your last relationship?

 

On top of that you are lying to the new girl by omission. I wonder how long it will take for your ex to get pissed off at you one day and tell the new girl about your little rendezvous?

 

This isn't what anyone would call a good foundation to start a relationship on that is for sure.

 

Not sure why you posted this thread because it is pretty obvious you are going to hide your cheating and just go along like nothing happened.

 

Good luck and make sure to keep your ex happy lest she spills the beans...

 

Lost

[AtitAgain]

Well that will be the day when things get interesting. Time to start taking drama classes

 

On a serious note. Like I have said before, I can't control what my ex does or doesn't do. If she chooses to take that route, I will just have to deal with it. Maybe I will lose the relationship I have with this girl, and I don't blame her if she chose to kick me to the curb. I would prefer that things don't proceed in that manner, but, it is what it is.

 

I posted because I wanted to hear opinions on the matter. From previous experience I have heard of people that value knowing/honesty 100%, regardless of consequences, and others who prefer not to know, so long as their partner is a great partner to them. I have never been in this type of situation before, and wanted insight from people who have been (either cheated on, or have cheated).

 

I won't go out of my way to keep my ex happy... the day you grovel to get someone to play along is the day you lose your independence and become a slave. What she does is up to her.

[mustlovedogs]

I don't know if you're trying to be stoic but your apathy is somewhat concerning to me.

 

You weren't concerned about hurting your girlfriend or your ex. Your ex will be hurt because she probably misses you, and your girlfriend because you cheated.

 

You don't care if your ex blackmails you, either, and hurts your girlfriend in the process.

 

You also don't seem to care that you cheated - something I personally consider to be the worst thing you can do in a relationship, next to abuse.

 

I just sense apathy. Does that bother you?

[AtitAgain]

I am concerned about hurting my girlfriend, that is why I don't want her to know, and also off course because I might lose her/what we have.

 

My ex, no, not concerned about hurting her. We both knew what we were doing. She wanted sex, and nothing but sex. Regardless if there are feelings there, neither of us want a relationship with the other. We have already crossed that road. There is still a lot of physical attraction there and "familiarity", which is what led to this, but that is where it ends.

 

Its not that I don't care if she blackmails me, I just refuse to be blackmailed. She has told me that she does not see any benefit in going after my girlfriend to tell her, and I have told her that if she did I would also stop being cooperative... I can't stop her, why allow her to blackmail me? If she truly started blackmailing me, I would probably just tell my girl myself.

 

Now, here you have a point. I don't feel as bad as I think I should, and I don't understand why. I agree with you, cheating is awful, but I don't feel particularly bad about it... doesn't make sense to me. Maybe I have become a complete donkeyhole over the years and not even realized it.

 

Maybe the marriage going down to ruins, the depression that I went through in the process and now feeling free to do whatever I want has somehow screwed up with my way of thinking/emotions/morals? Its possible.

[Longview01]

I'm generally concerned that you literally don't seem to care about hurting this girl you are seeing

[ch504]

I am concerned about hurting my girlfriend, that is why I don't want her to know, and also off course because I might lose her/what we have.

 

Now, here you have a point. I don't feel as bad as I think I should, and I don't understand why. I agree with you, cheating is awful, but I don't feel particularly bad about it... doesn't make sense to me. Maybe I have become a complete donkeyhole over the years and not even realized it.

 

Maybe the marriage going down to ruins, the depression that I went through in the process and now feeling free to do whatever I want has somehow screwed up with my way of thinking/emotions/morals? Its possible.

 

Yeah I think you have a point. Relationships going -up can mess with your head. I think I completely lost my sense of myself in mine, so when I did cheat (I didn't realise that's what it was at first), it didn't feel wrong. Hell, I'd never cheated in my life, yet in my relationship I got accused of it 100 times or more. If anything, I finally felt like I deserved how she had treated me the whole time we were together. Now that's not a healthy way to be... and I see that. But as it was happening, not easy to see at all.

 

I heard a rule of thumb... the number of years you are in a relationship is the number of months you need to be single to get over it. I think you could probably double that number of months to be on the safe side.

 

Something else you said I thought was interesting... that you'd made your GF promise that if you were together, it was to be exclusive. I'm not sure what that means, but it feels "weighty". I mean... I think most people in the world assume that if you're now seeing someone, you're exclusive. Sure, you might acknowledge the fact, but it felt like you had the need to hammer it home. I may have mis-read into this... just an observation.

[boltnrun]

I would suggest you consider how you would feel if, months down the road, your girlfriend confesses she cheated on you. Or worse, you found out from someone else.

[mustlovedogs]

@ch504 I heard you need half the time you were in the relationship. In my case, that was true.

[AtitAgain]

Well... lo and behold.... my divorce was filed on the 20th. On the 21st my ex reached out to my gf and told her everything... Don't know if she will be able to move past this or not... so not worth it. To see her eyes just fill up with tears... worst sight ever...

[boltnrun]

Well, hopefully you've learned not to lie and deceive in order to get what you want. Because you're the one who put those tears in her eyes, not the ex you cheated on her with.

[AtitAgain]

Yes I realize that. Just am extremely sad. Right before Xmas too, awful timing... I hate seeing her cry... and I could literally see her heart breaking in her eyes... as she questioned over and over why I ruined what we have... that it was perfect.. etc.... Just... if I ever could take something back, this was it.

[bluecastle]

I agree with those saying you need more space than you're admitting to yourself. Sadly, I say this from experience. When I got into my last relationship, I was still mightily hung up on my ex of 2.5 years. Because of this, I tried to keep things cool and casual with my new gf—telling her I needed to go slow, that I wasn't ready to label it, all while being well aware that her feelings were developing on a much faster scale.

 

Anyhow, about 5 months in I ended up sleeping with my ex. A one time thing. I rationalized it and compartmentalized it much the way you did: I realized it meant nothing, I cut it off, and became really devoted to my new gf. We were together another 2.5 years.

 

And much of that time was fantastic—in ways the best relationship I'd ever had. But, even though she didn't know what happened, she always doubted my level of commitment, was the more anxious of the two in the relationship, and because of this we never quite built trust, that most critical ingredient to sustaining a relationship.

 

Flash foward to last year: she got severely depressed out of nowhere, really detached, and as she came to hate the world she came to really hate the way the relationship started. She had so much resentment—it was like a dormant volcano erupting. Whatever I tried to do to show her how much I loved her failed. And what happened? She ended up cheating on me—twice—and lying about it. In other words, I got a taste of my own medicine and it stung.

 

Post break up, when I learned what she did I confessed what I did. The talks were good and hard, but of course the relationship at that point was just nuclear fallout. The lesson I learned from all of this is to just be fully honest with where I am in life—to myself, so I can be honest with others. Right now you're not doing that, and I can promise you your new gf can sense it. It's a wobbly platform on which to sustain love, and you don't know when the winds of life are going to blow it.

 

If you really love her and are meant to be together, you'll reconnect after some space. Trying to burry this won't serve either of you in the long run.

[AtitAgain]

Well... now she called me and broke up with me. Blocked me on Whatsapp, asked me to move out etc... .... I expected that this would happen, but damn does it suck...

 

I deserve it though... so... yeah...