shessofly Posted June 24, 2017 Share Posted June 24, 2017 You're probably right.. I just feel that it might help if we parted in a final and loving manner... I already know her reasons.. she doesn't love me and doesn't want a future with me. There are subdivisions of all that but that's the important take away as everything else could be worked on. Her daughter used to call me dad.. and the last time I saw her was reading her a story before bed. I got the love is gone and doesn't see a future from this post. Either way the outcome is the same. She doesn't want to be in this relationship. She doesn't love you or see a future but the important take away is everything else can be worked on? The denial is strong in this post. Please don't call anymore. Work on acceptance. That is your closure. Link to comment
shessofly Posted June 24, 2017 Share Posted June 24, 2017 Glad you are getting help for your depression. There are plenty of fish in the sea. You will get through this. Link to comment
Tomthumb88 Posted June 24, 2017 Author Share Posted June 24, 2017 She told me that she can't be in a relationship because of her personal issues. This was leading me to hold onto hope so recently I've been telling myself that she doesn't love or see a future with me.. because I think it must be true or she would accept my help Link to comment
Tomthumb88 Posted June 24, 2017 Author Share Posted June 24, 2017 I'm not going to reach out.. I'm also going to ignore her if she reaches out, at least for now. Link to comment
Tomthumb88 Posted June 26, 2017 Author Share Posted June 26, 2017 I'd unfriended her in Facebook before I started real NC but refriended her when it seems things were changing. Should I unfriend her again? I'm not feeling compelled to look at her pics like I was before but I fear the day when someone else appears will again set me back Link to comment
eidetic Posted June 27, 2017 Share Posted June 27, 2017 I'm late to your thread, but there's a child involved in my situation too. I watched him grow up from 8 to almost 18, and loved him like my own -- and my own loved him too. For whatever this is worth, I was invited to see him graduate HS this year, and because of the chasm between me and his father, I declined. I also purchased a perfect compound gift for this event, but because of the chasm between me and his father, I still have not sent it. I'm not sure whether I should. I don't know if it was pathetic of me to put this gift together, or if it was just beautiful and the right and best thing to give. So I'm not giving it, not yet. Maybe not at all. And that feels pretty bad? But not as bad as sending it and having it be a negative talking point, or a reason for anyone to now break no contact and reopen wounds. I used to be a closure person. But I don't think we can do closure with a loved one when the hurt is still so fresh. It's a tangle when children are involved, but having been that child once, I'll suggest that if you hold your peace to yourself and continue to love that child even from a far distance and silently, without contact or goodbyes, the child may someday grow into a young adult who seeks you out. Know that your time with the child was important. The love we bestow on the very young often does stick, for life, even if in time the details are forgotten. Some details will never be forgotten. This one may grow up with a favorite book and never really sure why the book is so beloved. It will be beloved, because of you. Don't think you will be forgotten. That age is very impressionable, and fond. And don't diminish or contrarily overestimate the impact of your time -- children also have to move forward, after someone is gone. It's the mother's responsibility to handle the child's questions or confusion or grieving *well*, and I hope she will. Just know that if the bond between you and the child was good, then you were an angel for a special time in that young person's life. It is a blessing, and you were lucky to have *so loved* a child that was not your own blood. In my experience, it's rare, so I mean it: what you experienced was a blessing, to you both. What if you write a card or letter to the child -- either the current age, or some slightly future age, and put it away for safekeeping for now? Link to comment
Baowtadow Posted June 27, 2017 Share Posted June 27, 2017 Has anyone met up for closure? Did it help to say goodbye in person? What did you discuss? In my case there is a kid (4) involved that I'd like to see one last time.. should I? I did it. A couple weeks ago I convinced her to meet me at the park to have the closure talk. In this meeting, I was able to have the first face to face conversation with her in 3 months. All other talks have been through text during LC. From this meeting this is what I gained: - She spoke to me civilly. She couldn't be a b to me in person like she was over text - She admitted that some of the random reasons she cited were BS and said them just cause - She opened up more as to why things didn't work out between us, personality wise - She confirmed that she's been seeing her classmate (which made EVERYTHING make sense) I left that meeting happy to have had that talk. There was no more mystery. Everything made sense. All the random small issues that she NEVER brought up during our relationship but cited as reasons for the breakup were all BS. Yea, I'm sure she had her dislikes because no one is perfect but the real reason was she wanted to see what was going on with a new guy. Did it hurt? Yep. But am I aimlessly trying to make sense of the situation anymore? Nope. I spent 4 months doing that and now I've never felt so inclined to maintain hard NC forever. She can have all the space she needs now that I know her "I just want to be alone because I like being alone" reason was a load of BS. I honestly wish I didn't wait as long to have this meeting. I tried to do the strategic LC thing but it never worked. Now I know why. But we live and we learn. Good luck to you, sir. Link to comment
Tomthumb88 Posted June 27, 2017 Author Share Posted June 27, 2017 I decided to just continue NC.. if she reaches out I might suggest it again but I'm not sure Link to comment
Tomthumb88 Posted July 1, 2017 Author Share Posted July 1, 2017 So.. almost 2 weeks NC And I accepted a job around 3 hours from here. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted July 1, 2017 Share Posted July 1, 2017 So.. almost 2 weeks NC And I accepted a job around 3 hours from here. That's great! I moved several hundred miles away from my ex when I kept doing things that were counterproductive to getting over being dumped (social media stalking, pathetically hanging around his friends and family, doing late night and early morning drive-bys, going places I knew he'd be, sending him blank texts...the list goes on and on). Moving was the best thing I could have done. Today the guy means nothing to me. Link to comment
Anna Bell Posted July 1, 2017 Share Posted July 1, 2017 That's great! I moved several hundred miles away from my ex when I kept doing things that were counterproductive to getting over being dumped (social media stalking, pathetically hanging around his friends and family, doing late night and early morning drive-bys, going places I knew he'd be, sending him blank texts...the list goes on and on). Moving was the best thing I could have done. Today the guy means nothing to me. You experienced, the most importantly you learned. You are offering the most valuable help to others. You're my inspiration. Wish not long after, I would be able to say: he means nothing to me. Link to comment
Anna Bell Posted July 1, 2017 Share Posted July 1, 2017 So.. almost 2 weeks NC And I accepted a job around 3 hours from here. You've been doing well, keep going! You're not far from the end of the tunnel now. Link to comment
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