To those out there hurting - remember who YOU are

[hopeparis]

Hello guys,

I just had a moment of epiphany that I wanted to share with you, with the hope that it will help you go through whatever you're dealing with right now.

 

Today's been very painful. Very, very, painful, and I know a lot of you are going through this insane, heartbreaking rollercoaster of memories, disappointment, anger and self-doubt. I feel you.

 

After an excruciating day, I felt relief for a very brief moment.

It was like I was this third party looking at the situation. Actually, I think I was for a moment 100% in touch with who I truly am inside.

 

I realized we are MORE than what's happening to us. We are MORE than a relationship. We are MORE than memories, and we are MORE than these overwhelming feelings. We are, and that is enough.

I think it's really important to remember that we were happy, independent individuals before we even met this person.

You have your own identity, and nothing can deprive your from that. Experiences are what you put on top of it - they are not the essence of who you are. And I think this is the key to heal, move on, and be happy again.

We haven't disappeared. Our soul is still here. I know it doesn't seem like it sometimes, but you are still whole. You are not broken, nor brokenhearted. You are transforming.

 

We had a vision of our own before this person, although it seems they have stained everything. But we can clean ourselves. We have the ability to do that, and we all do.

We were before, we are now, and we will be again. No matter who enters your life, and who chooses to leave. You'll always be standing.

Remember who you are and what you bring to the table. You have a good heart - you were able to love unconditionally. Not everyone can.

You just loved the wrong person, and that's too bad for THEM, not for you. When you are in a situation where you gave your all and it still wasn't enough, you need to recognize that it doesn't mean you were not enough. Sometimes people can't take this kind of love. Some get scared. Some will always think the grass is greener.

But that's ok, because most of you know deep inside that you gave that person healthy, consistent love. You gave your all, and you are not lacking.

At the end of the day, they chose to walk away. It's their loss. It's not your job to make them see who you are. The only thing you need to do is make YOURSELF realize that you deserve nothing less than unconditional love, trust, and respect. Give it to yourself.

 

"This, too, shall pass"

[Rustysuit]

thanks for the kind words.

 

I've been struggling. My gf of 9 months dumped me (not out of the blue) 3 weeks ago and I'm 100% sure I was the best I could be. I won't bother with details because I know I'm biased...but I knew very early on that she wasn't emotionally stable. She has been mistreated all her life by guys (she's chubby now, but was very fat a couple of years ago - doesnt matter to me, I loved her with all my heart - but that's to put things in perspective).

 

So what do I reason?

She just needs someone to love her right and unconditionally. Someone that shows her that she can really be loved. There's no way this can go wrong, right?

 

Well, not really. Not saying I was perfect, but I really did everything I could. Simply wasn't enough. Red flags from the beginning of the relationship I just ignored because "I loved her" and my mantra is "if you love someone, nothing should stay in front of you." So i'd swallow my pride and forgive everything she said/did. This was very early on the relationship. She'd say things without considering my feelings and I would try to explain to her how words can hurt. It felt like I was teaching her how to love and be loved, really. 9 months go by and she ocasionally acts up. I endure all of it because I'm kinda used to it by now and I know that sometimes she just needs her space and time to figure things out.

 

Things get out of hand one time. She goes radio silence on me for 3 days after days of barely talking to me. I finally tell her "it's obvious something is wrong. Either you have some issue with me or it's something else and I'm your punching bag. WHatever it is, sort it out and know that I'll be here. Love you." I'd always do this. I'd always say "I'll be here. Love you." She goes 3 days and then finally she hits me up. Apologizes for being the worst gf ever, etc. I calmly ask her "do you still love me?" she says "yes"

 

I repeat my mantra to her "as long as we love each other, we can get over everything." Things are great. We make plans for a romantic trip and leave the next day. We spend 3 amazing days. Sex is great (never was a problem and I think that's one of the only things that held her on to me for so long".

 

After the trip, we come back and everything looks great...for about 3 days, Then the cold shoulder messages begin and her acting up is creeping on again. I finally say to myself "this is too soon after we have a romantic trip. Something must be really wrong."

 

I spark the conversation about how she feels and tell her to be honest.

She goes on a rampage of things she doesn't like about me that I did or do (some of which were a lie).

 

I tell her "Just admit you don't feel the same anymore. There's no shame in that."

She says "I admit"

 

We break up on good terms. No insults, no blaming. She wishes me well, etc. I told her that I hope she realizes she's wrong and that I love her (this is my thing).

We been NC since then.

I have no idea what she's doing or how she's doing. She could be happy or sad. I simply don't know.

 

What I do know though, is that I gave it my all. I gave it my best shot. I learnt a lot from my last relationship before her and I grew with it (I had been single by choice for some years cause I had to work on some issues and didn't want to hurt anyone).

I kept my dignity (didn't beg every or cried or whatever), told her what she meant to me, but that I understood that feelings are feelings.

 

I now still worry about what I could've done differently.

Maybe I was too "nice" (I know people dont believe that actually can be too nice) in my whole "love heals all" thing, but I know always stood up for myself when it counted and I never chased her like a lost puppy.

 

I love her to death, but I know this is for the best. In my mind she simply isn't emotionally available or ready for long term relationship, but I don't know. It could be another guy, or simply she confused her emotions for love.

 

Anyway, it hurts like hell, but as I said...I couldn't have been better. I refused being a punching bag, stood up for myself when it counted and I was forgiving when I saw true remorse.

 

We parted with her saying "you were the best boyfriend I ever had and that she never loved anyone like she loved me." This can be her way of letting me down easily, but I - choose to - truly believe those words.

 

It's still a learning experience for me. I now know that you can't heal someone who doesn't want/can't be healed. I know now that love doesn't conquer all. I know that sometimes you'll love someone with all your heart and being and sometimes you won't be loved back. And that's okay. Everything is okay, because I know I can love and I know I have a lot to offer and that one day I'll find someone who truly deserves the kind of love I'm willing to give in a relationship.

 

As for her and what caused the B/U the falling out of love thing, only she knows and I don't care.

 

All this just to say "Good post" and it kinda spoke to me.

 

edit: dunno if it matters but she was the one who "asked" if we could be boyfriend/girlfriend (seems kinda silly, but I loved it) and she told me "I love you" first. I never was too clingy or needy of her and I think I gave her what I thought she needed. She knew I loved her. She truly did. She can leave this relationship and be proud to say she was loved once, but simply couldn't love back.

 

I'm very honest with myself and others (I can't lie. Really, I can't).

[hopeparis]

Hi Rustysuit,

Thank you for your beautiful message. It really hit home.

It's funny because I feel like our situations are very much alike.

My ex had practically no relationship with his mother for years (she left the house), and I was his first serious relationship.

He's older than me and we're in the beginning of our 20s. Although I'm younger, I feel like I also had to "teach" him how to love in a healthy way, and to feel comfortable in a stable relationship - and with someone who's stable. He's also the one who wanted us to be together when we met 3 years ago. The one who said I love you. He then got scared around 6 months and started being very distant. He had doubts about his feelings and left me.

We got back together a year later. I was hesitant but he said he had changed, that he didn't know how to handle his feelings back then, that he was scared to commit.

Fast forward 7 months and he had "doubts" again about wanting to be in a relationship and about his feelings. Just like you, no communication. He needed "space" and "could not invest now". This lasted a few weeks until I couldn't take it anymore and I left him. I had no choice.

 

I believe these people will never be able to "handle" real love. Like you, I was extremely understanding, told him that no matter what happened we could work it out, that I accepted him entirely, him and his need for space. I lasted in this limbo for a few weeks. I was miserable, crying myself to sleep and it seemed he couldn't care less.

 

What I realized is that as long as we LET people act this way with us, as long as we leave the door open for someone who's checked out of the relationship emotionally, this will happen to us, over and over again.

I think I just understood after this 2nd breakup that there is a difference between what we thought we were giving - aka unconditional love - and being a doormat.

It's very hard to accept, but this has to do with our own self esteem. The moment the person stops reciprocating, and still, we keep pushing, this love shifts into a lack of self-esteem.

People need boundaries. They need for us to show them our worth. They need to understand that a relationship is 50/50.

We can't keep giving to someone who doesn't give back. No matter how much it hurts. For me, it has been 12 days since our break up and 12 days of NC, and I feel like I'm reaching the peek of pain / feelings of abandonment and betrayal. Although I know I made the right decision.

 

I understood that we can't "fix" people. People don't really change. The only way they do is if they truly want to, and obviously neither your ex nor mine truly wanted to, or thought they could.

 

It sucks. But sometimes they act this way - flee from love - because they KNOW deep inside that they can't open up to that level in a long term relationship. The first 6 months are amazing - that's why we get hooked- and they seem so raw, so real. It seems like it's meant to be. But once again, it feels that way because we feel good about connecting with someone who has "gone through stuff". So we give our all. And one day, they realize it's not meant for them. That they "need to be alone".

It's one of the hardest things to accept, because it doesn't add up.

But one thing I've learned is when someone shows you who they are, trust them the 1st time.

I didn't, and got heartbroken twice.

They will never change.

 

In the mean time, we need to protect ourselves. That unconditional love we give so easily is precious. It doesn't mean we should stop giving it - I think we should, it's a great power; but we should stop when the other person doesn't reciprocate.

 

Anyways, your story really hit home. You managed to express a lot of the things that I felt in a very precise way. Thank you for that. I feel understood.

[DancingFool]

Just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to share and to write such a beautiful, heartfelt, articulate message to all those who are hurting out there.

 

Truly a post that needs to be bookmarked because too often we all get so consumed with loss and pain that we forget that we were whole and good before that person came into our lives and were whole all along and will continue to be whole. Pain does pass, life goes on, and the sun will still shine tomorrow. All we need to do is embrace the warmth.

[Rustysuit]

Hi, Hopeparis

 

I totally understand where you're coming from and believe me, this is a discussion I had many times over (friends, family, etc.). This unconditional love. I believe in it. I still believe in it and I know I'm right in giving it my all. I never want to NOT give it my all to someone I love and I believe both you and I have so much to offer in a relationship that it's absurd.

 

The line between "doormat" and "unconditional love" is as thin as the other person makes it.

I'll never apologize for "loving too much" and I can only hope that the next girl I'll date will value that.

 

It's true what you said though, we need to set boundaries and stand up for ourselves. I tried to do it, but in the end I would just say "she just needs someone who can be there for her" and forgive the outbursts.

 

I agree that it seems we truly share a similar story. My ex was very self absorbed, had a poor relationship with her parents and ALWAYS put herself first. It didn't matter to me because I can ignore everything as long as I know (or they say) that they love me.

 

For me, she was just a little broken inside and that me loving her would be enough for her to see the wonders of the world and how real love can conquer everything.

I don't lack self esteem though...I think. It's just part of my rationalization and ability to forgive.

 

I'd convince myself that she still loved me and that it wasn't worth to put our relationship in jeopardy over some "little things". These little things are, of course, all red flags.

 

Getting a bit too personal now, I'll give an example. She has a poor relationship with her parents and would blame that and the bullying of her being fat on her traumas, etc.

Well, my dad left us when I was 6 or 7 and I was also bullied for being poor and dressing like a homeless kid, yet, I'm much more balanced than she is.

 

It really is complicated loving someone like this, but we did. I don't think we hold on for lack of self esteem, but rather on an overwhelming feeling that "love is worth it". And it is. This was just bad luck.

 

I agree that we should stop when the other party doesn't feel the same way, but I'd also rationalize this. "No one is perfect" "I can live with this" etc.

Big mistake. Any relationship needs 50/50, yes and all the red flags were there since the beginning, but love kinda blinds us and, lets face it, nothing is black and white.

 

I finally had enough and sparked the B/U conversation. I'll never know what went through her mind. It could be her personal insecurities, not being able to handle "real love", could be lack of attraction, a case of the GIGS, etc. but I can go to sleep with my head up high knowing I gave it my all and then some. So should you.

[LaHermes]

Bad idea, Rusty.

 

"I'll never apologize for "loving too much"

 

It is one thing to give one's very best, to love, but loving too much is an enmeshment and is pathological.

[Rustysuit]

I try not to get caught up on definitions when it comes to it.

 

I didn't mean to love too much in a sick way, more like in a way that you believe that it can all work out as long as you love each other (I really believe in this).

[LaHermes]

Love is not enough, Rusty.

 

And yes, definitions are most useful.

 

People believe in a lot of things, but love does not conquer all. Healthy boundaries, always, healthy love, always.

[hopeparis]

@Rustysuit, I understand. I've also always been someone who believes in true, unconditional love, and I still am. That's why I took him back. I thought he was the love of my life, and like you, that as long as we had this strong bond, we would be fine.

Maybe it was a wrong choice of words - what I meant is that we DO deserve more, and should act like it. But now that we have, now that we stood up for ourselves, I believe things will get better.

I'm an optimist and I believe that the good you do will end up coming back to you, in some way, some day.

Love is never wasted.

We will one day be with someone who gives back everything - and even more. It doesn't mean now hurts less, but it means that we shouldn't give up on love, and most importantly, not give up on ourselves.

It will all come back around. You will heal. We all will.

 

I believe the key is to take it one day at a time, until each day becomes lighter. One day, we'll be free again. We can do it ☺️

[hopeparis]

@DancingFool, I'm so happy my post helped you in some way.

I think it's important to empower each other. We hurt, but we will heal. As you said, we have that power within. We just have to believe in ourselves because we're sooooo much stronger than we think.

During my 1st breakup, I was so broken that I had suicidal thoughts for months. Breathing was hard. Getting out of bed felt like the end of the world. I have sever anxiety, and it got the best of me. After 6 months, I healed when I thought I would never be able to. Our bodies and minds are strong. If only we knew how to free them.

[Rustysuit]

Love is not enough, Rusty.

 

And yes, definitions are most useful.

 

People believe in a lot of things, but love does not conquer all. Healthy boundaries, always, healthy love, always.

 

I was naive and even kind of arrogant in thinking that love could be enough. That MY love would be enough.

I think I always knew that it wasn't, but I was blinded by emotions. Still am, probably.

[LaHermes]

This is the essence of Dancing's post IMO:

 

"we all get so consumed with loss and pain that we forget that we were whole and good before that person came into our lives and were whole all along and will continue to be whole"

 

Unconditional love (aka martyrdom) is not the way to go with such persons who "come into our lives".

[LaHermes]

YOUR love yes, Rusty. Love is good, love is kind.

 

But don't call it unconditional love or some such cliché.

[Rustysuit]

@Rustysuit, I understand. I've also always been someone who believes in true, unconditional love, and I still am. That's why I took him back. I thought he was the love of my life, and like you, that as long as we had this strong bond, we would be fine.

Maybe it was a wrong choice of words - what I meant is that we DO deserve more, and should act like it. But now that we have, now that we stood up for ourselves, I believe things will get better.

I'm an optimist and I believe that the good you do will end up coming back to you, in some way, some day.

Love is never wasted.

We will one day be with someone who gives back everything - and even more. It doesn't mean now hurts less, but it means that we shouldn't give up on love, and most importantly, not give up on ourselves.

It will all come back around. You will heal. We all will.

 

I believe the key is to take it one day at a time, until each day becomes lighter. One day, we'll be free again. We can do it ☺️

 

I know how that feels, but people can grow up and actually end up changing. I hate that this happened to you twice with the same guy, because I think I would do the same. I'd take her back in a heartbeat if I believed she truly changed and grew up.

 

I know cynics will say "people don't change", but they do. Because I did. My first "real" relationship was an eye opener for me and my faults. I spent 4 years single with the occasional fling "finding" myself. Even now, all I can think of is what I can do better next time.

 

Maybe I'll hold back a bit next time and try to get to know the person better instead of believing in an instant connection right away. Maybe next time if I notice the girl isn't emotionally stable, I'll pull back.

I'm still drawing my conclusions from this (it hasn't been a month), but as long as I know I'm a better, stronger person for it, all I can do is say thanks for the experience, even if it hurts not having her at my side when I wake up or not being able to share good news with her (which I have a lot of and it kills me not being able to tell her).

 

Anyway, one day, one tear at a time.

It'll get better.

 

My first heartbreak was a thousand times worst than this (according to my mother) and we get better at it. Dunno if it's the same with you, but I'm definitely hurting, but I'm also not thinking it's the end of the world like I did with my first real GF.

[Rustysuit]

YOUR love yes, Rusty. Love is good, love is kind.

 

But don't call it unconditional love or some such cliché.

 

Well, context does matter a bit...I'm very emotional atm and I can't find the time to use the "right" words sometimes.

Hope you understand and stop nitpicking the words we're using.

 

If I say "unconditional", I don't mean I'll accept everything (as I didn't and we ended up broken up - even if months too late). It's just a way of saying I have the ability to really believe in another person, in relationships and love in general.

[hopeparis]

@Rustysuit

I think they can, but only if they DEEPLY want to and actually do everything they can to.

I think he did want to change, and our rekindled relationship was amazing up until a few months ago, but I think he got comfortable. He did evolve, but he didn't fundamentally change. Maybe it was too soon?

He's my first boyfriend and my first love, that's why it hurts so much. I would say it hurts half as much as the 1st time, but it's still hard as it's the same person.

I thought "he's my first love, he's the love of my life" the first time, and the second time I thought "he came back and is my first love, this time it will work because this MUST mean he's actually the love of my life". So this has been very difficult. I'm trying to be positive and take the fact that he abandoned twice as validation that he is not right for me, but I do feel very "betrayed" if that makes sense.

I will never fully understand why he acted like this twice. All I know is I deserve better than someone who's unsure.

All I can do is hope for a better future.

I believe life is cyclical.

We will get through this.

[LaHermes]

Hey Rusty.

 

"stop nitpicking the words we're using.

"

 

I can only go by what you write. I am not a mindreader (yet!). We only have the written word on here, on a screen. I can't see you in real time. So, if you write something, that is all I have got to go on. Are you with me?

 

I have no way of knowing whether you are emotional or not. Again, all I have before me is a screen and your words on it.

 

So, go easy there.....

[Rustysuit]

@Rustysuit

I think they can, but only if they DEEPLY want to and actually do everything they can to.

I think he did want to change, and our rekindled relationship was amazing up until a few months ago, but I think he got comfortable. He did evolve, but he didn't fundamentally change. Maybe it was too soon?

He's my first boyfriend and my first love, that's why it hurts so much. I would say it hurts half as much as the 1st time, but it's still hard as it's the same person.

I thought "he's my first love, he's the love of my life" the first time, and the second time I thought "he came back and is my first love, this time it will work because this MUST mean he's actually the love of my life". So this has been very difficult. I'm trying to be positive and take the fact that he abandoned twice as validation that he is not right for me, but I do feel very "betrayed" if that makes sense.

I will never fully understand why he acted like this twice. All I know is I deserve better than someone who's unsure.

All I can do is hope for a better future.

I believe life is cyclical.

We will get through this.

 

That really sucks and I'm so sorry this happened to you twice.

Don't think it's your fault for trying and give it another chance. If it wasn't really an abusive relationship in any way, I believe in second chances.

As you said, you learnt your lesson now and won't be a third, right?

 

Stay strong

[hopeparis]

@Rustysuit It wasn't abusive.

It's ok. At least I have no regrets and now, I learned my lesson.

Thank you so much for your support

I hope you will heal as fast as possible too. We're all in this together.

 

By the way, there's this guy, Ralph Smart, who I've been watching for years. He's a psychologist.

His words are very healing and it helps a lot. If you want to check it out, it's Infinite Waters on YouTube

[Rustysuit]

Hey Rusty.

 

"stop nitpicking the words we're using.

"

 

I can only go by what you write. I am not a mindreader (yet!). We only have the written word on here, on a screen. I can't see you in real time. So, if you write something, that is all I have got to go on. Are you with me?

 

I have no way of knowing whether you are emotional or not. Again, all I have before me is a screen and your words on it.

 

So, go easy there.....

 

Regardless, that's all you did

[LaHermes]

Then make yourself clear, Rusty. I don't nitpick. And I can't see you or read your mind.

[Rustysuit]

Then make yourself clear, Rusty. I don't nitpick. And I can't see you or read your mind.

 

Maybe one day, I'll have all the definitions and concepts memorized so you won't feel the need to correct them, but today is not that today it seems.

 

I understood exactly what Paris said when she said "unconditional love" and I think you should have too...but that's just my opinion ofc

[LaHermes]

Calm down Rusty. You are in no position to tell me what I "should" or should not think or do.

 

As I said, I can't read your mind.

 

You seemed so sweet. Have I touched a nerve there.....

[hopeparis]

Please no arguing here ?

This was really not the point of this post... This was supposed to give people hope and make them feel heard, not fight.

[LaHermes]

No one is "fighting" here Hope. At least I am not.

Maybe you should tell Rusty to get off his high horse.