Crappy dating experiences have set me back...

[ShannonM10]

Hi there, I have a long ass story and I have posted numerous times on here about the struggle I am having being replaced by my ex of 5 years, how he is engaged to her 11 months after we broke up but randomly called me a bunch 5 months ago late at night. I had the will power not to answer. I still struggle on and off but have way better days then before. My problem is, that I have had some good and bad dating experiences....ones with potential and others that are meh. I am in no rush, cause I know I am still somewhat damaged from the betrayal, and my self confidence took a huge hit, especially because the girl he is with was a huge downgrade. The other day I was talking to this guy on bumble, he was attractive, witty and smart, then BAMB,...sends me a genital pic! Like are you KIDDING ME???? I deleted him instantly. I know that this is bound to happen on dating apps, but it blows me away..and then makes me go down a path of anger and hurt all over again.

I start to think, why the hell am I dealing with this , while my ex is ENGAGED to the FIRST chick that hit on him BEFORE WE WERE EVEN BROKEN UP!! I know I shouldn't compare at all, as I have no idea what there life is like and it cant be that great if he called me a while ago after the engagement. But still, I know life isn't fair, but how do I stop comparing? Do I just remind myself that hes no prize? That I obviously have standards whereas he/she does not? How do I stop myself from imagining that they are super happy and in love while I am single and failing at meeting a quality person. I am attractive, athletic, great job, own my own house (thanks to my ex) and have a lot to offer. I don't want to compare...I want to stop these thoughts, I try techniques, I go to counseling, Im sick of feeling like a victim and am trying not to....how do I switch the focus off him and her?

I have dated very attractive men since and had fun, I know I can get other men. But when things like that happen I am envious of how easy it was for my ex to just slide into another relationship and not have to be alone and see what else is out there, it was so easy and convenient for him, whereas I feel like I have had dud after dud and have struggled for the better part of a year and a half. Someone please tell me this is normal and in time I really wont compare anymore.

[hopeparis]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine your pain.

My key advice here would be : REDEFINE YOUR STANDARD.

 

I think you have to realize that although he is in a new relationship, this does not mean that he is "happier" than you are. The world "relationship" can cover a myriad of realities. You don't know what's happening in their couple, and to be honest, it doesn't seem to be a very healthy - or permanent - situation regarding the circumstances.

Karma has a strange way of taking care of these situations, so don't worry about that.

 

I think the first thing to acknowledge is that YOU took the time to properly heal, which I think is brave and crucial. He didn't, and in my opinion, that shows YOUR strength. It will pay off in the long run. As you said, I think you have higher standards than him, especially seeing the way he started entertaining this girl (or letting her entertain him) while you were still a couple. I know it sounds cliché, but you DO DESERVE BETTER. Although your dating experiences didn't satisfy you, what he did to you and still does by calling you is as bad - just in another way.

 

The only thing you can do right now is to try not to focus on him by not trying to get any information on their relationship, if you can do that. Write a list of all the things you felt hurt you, and why, how he disappointed you. Then write a list of all the things you are looking for in a healthy, loving relationship and compare. This helps me a lot right now.

Dating apps in general are pretty disappointing. I've done that too, and it's 99% of the time about sex. I wouldn't use them.

Instead, try to go out as much as you can in "healthy" places. Try to expand your social circle. Join new group activities for example, hang out at places like coffee shops, the library, with a good book. This is where you'll meet most people who possibly share the same values as you.

 

By meeting new, interesting people, you'll compare at first - but only to see the qualities that your ex doesn't have. And at one point, you'll stop comparing, because either you find someone else or not in the near future, you'll have a higher standard to compare every man to.

[SooSad33]

1) It all takes time.

2) Is normal to feel this jilted as they can move on so fast

3) Lessen expectations re: dating sites. So often failures. I;ve been on them over 5 yrs. Longest relationship to date was 5 mos. Rest have been awful

 

Time... is what it takes to heal. Meanwhile.. any way to NOT know of what THEY are doing? If you're following some how, stop.

 

But.. another concern is you're admitting your emotions being still so haywire.. because of everything.

I highly suggest you keep working on YOU at this time. Not feel a 'need' to be involved again.. yet. Or that can spill over into the next relation- when YOU are hardly ready...

[Jibralta]

Someone please tell me this is normal and in time I really wont compare anymore.

 

Yes, absolutely. It is normal. I wish I knew how to make it stop, cause lord knows I've gotten stuck in that rut. But it does go away in time. It just takes time. Things will get better. You will be ok.