Naggy or is it me?

[Hax1s]

So here is some background about myself. I am 28 years old. I work 12 hour shifts in a factory. Before that construction. I am a veteran and was out of the service before I met her. I am working on losing weight (and doing well , only 20 more lbs for my goal) to reenlist.

 

So here is my problem. I want to start by saying I love her. We have been together 5 years and have a 2 year old son and she has a daughter with someone else who is also amazing. My little family doesnt live like kings, I feel that I work my ass off in a job that i cant ing stand to be able to afford the house we rent for 975, utilities seperate. She works part time in retail. When I am home I like to relax and unwind from work. I try my best and I feel despite getting on constantly there I am still one of the better employs. Only because I am mentally not capable of living with myself for doing halfassed work or not trying my best despite being constantly told to do things others dont like doing because I dont to the people there.

 

Basically I come home try to relax, dont get me wrong I do handle things around the house, I do not consider myself lazy whatsoever. I mow the lawn, I watch my son, I clean the house, dishes every now and then and cook dinner every now and then. Sometimes laundry, just bought a new washer so no more laundromat trips and now its easer.

 

She used to live in a trailer with her ex and from what ive gathered it was a very dirty place. She had given up with him. I feel that she has trouble organizing or cleaning because she is not used to it. Her parents are very nice and also very clean people but I feel that we were brought up in two different worlds. She loves money and having/doing things like most women, which I don't mind. But I don't care for money because my parents were emotionally gone and would throw money at me instead of being mentally present. After they split my dad didnt have much and my mom was all but rich. My dad lived simple and humbly wasnt the cleanest. He was also barely in my life physically but when he decided to show up, he was mentally checked in. So from very early on I learned the only thing money is good for after Im dead and gone is what I can leave my children. Yes my stepdaughter is mine, idc what she says, her dad is a bare minimum father and a piece of work.

I value little things, new socks and doing things with my small family, even if what we are doing isnt interesting seeing them happy keeps me interested.

 

Anyhow. I can't stand how much i am nagged. She even makes it a point to say things like "do you not just like doing anything" and the facts are its because I dont drop what I am doing at the moment she wants me to do. Now if she is engaged in her attempt at cleaning "she just shoves into cupboards and stuff doesnt throw stuff out or organize" and needs me to lift something than ill help. But if she is sitting on the couch talking about things that need to get done than most likely Ill do it when i get around to it. Most of the time I follow up but her lists of things to do get so huge that i tend to forget some things.

 

Now, here are some examples. we bought the new washer and she needed the laundry room cleaned because it was packed with stuff from just moving. For some reason it falls on me to move everything to the basement and the attic, even though she is perfectly capable of helping as well. Today I mowed the lawn, picked up dog out back weed eated, took my son to a playground with the dog. Came home and I am about to do the dishes and set on my task of moving the laundry stuff. When she texted me (she takes my car because she works when im home, i work when shes home so we dont need a sitter) asking me to find her debit card in her car. I said I will later because its pouring out and honestly i had other stuff to do that didnt involve being outside in the rain. She replied with " do you just not like doing anything" now i didnt reply. I try to avoid arguing and if i did reply with what i wanted to say she wouldnt like it. I am fed up quite honestly with her. She is an adult and cant pick up after herself. I used to at the beginning pick up the whole house, sweep mop wipe down counters and organize. But give it a week and a tornado hits the house. I got sick of it and rarely ever pick up the house and if i do its just picking up my sons toys or after myself. She cant stand it when i tell her why i dont help her. She cant accept the fact that it IS her, and when she looks at the house and notices its her dishes left out and her random buys from stores on the dining room table (that we dont need, I have thrown so much out that has gone unnoticed) she gets mad. She has every excuse, " Because i clean on my days off." my response is " why dont you pick up after yourself and put stuff away and youll spend less time cleaning and more time with us and doing things you want to do" Her response "I can't do that because I have to watch our son." or "I was tired and that stuff was left out because ill take care of it tomorrow" which sometimes it does and sometimes a week goes buy. She constantly tells me what to do, and if i dont do it in a timely fashion there is an argument. I work 3 day weekends for 12 hours everyday and some days i come home and instead of sleeping, I am doing what she tells me until about 4pm , than when she wants to go out shopping and im sleeping in the car she gets mad that i wasnt interested and I was simply tired.

 

I am sick of being the breadwinner and coming home to not only do my fair share, but also what she asks of me on her time. I told her im fed up with her bull. That im human, and i will do it when i do it, and if she fails to see all that i actually do around here its on her. If she would start picking her up and show me she is capable of putting things away where they belong. I wouldnt mind cleaning the house again, because right now, there is so much just around and so many cupboards and drawers with useless i cant find the time to organize any of it, and I am worried that if i spend a few days cleaning everything to my standard it will just be ruined with in the week as usual. Ive tread putting my foot down and telling her if i clean the house the way i wanna do it, promise me you wont destroy it in a week. She gets pissed because she knows it will be. But still wants me to help. I am a firm believer of less is more and she clearly isnt. the little figurines she buys or shell save containers instead of throwing them out that we never end up using for anything. Shell bring home stuff her job has thrown out claiming she wants to do something artsy with it and it never happens. She buys xmas presents birthday and gifts so we have them for her family parties that have been here for 3 years now. I am sick of it. I just want to not live like dirtbags and get her to start picking up after herself so if i clean i know the place will stay nice and I can keep up with it daily or when im not working.

 

I will be relaxing and she will stand in the doorway giving me a list of things she wants done. Nope. I dont tell her what to do. I dont even tell her she has to try and clean, cause quite frankly I feel its not my place to order her around. She is human and an adult. I dont force her to do anything because if she doesnt i end up doing it eventually.

 

She finds things that dont need to be done right away and claims it needs to get done. when in all reality there are more important things. Some days I feel like i can do everything there is to do around here and she will still find more for me to do. Its not rewarding, she doesnt get in a better mood if i do it, and nor is it appreciated that i did it in any way, shape or form because it was simple just something that needed to be done anyhow.

 

If anything i just need a way to talk to her that gets her to see it from my point of view. Something to trick her mind into seeing what i go through with her nagging and not picking up after herself. Do i just go into WW3 with her and just not pick up after myself and then order her around until she cant stand me? because i feel that will do more harm then good. Ive already tried talking to her about it, but she lists off excuses. She acts like taking care of our son is hard, when i do it too. I try to understand everyone is built differently, maybe she cant handle taking care of him and doing other things. Idk.

 

Orrrr...

Maybe I am wrong about all this and it is my fault. I always try to question myself first, when people get mad at me, I search within myself to find what I may have done wrong and how what i did could justify them being angry at me. But when i do it with her I find nothing. I can only see me being a sarcastic to her lately cause im getting fed up with it but even then she sometimes finds it funny.

[abitbroken]

This is what i would do if i were you.

 

1) Hire a cleaning person to come every other week for 2 hours to do the heavy cleaning - the tile floors, bathrooms, kitchen and ceiling fans. it might be $50 every other week or maybe less. It is cheaper than couples therapy

 

2) Your son is two and your pseudo step daughter is older. When you spend time with them - take charge on them cleaning up after themselves. Two year olds are very good at playing the game of tossing all the socks in a bin or blocks in a bin, etc and they love to be praised for helping. 2 year olds can sweep a child sized broom. They may not be very productive but they are learning to "help" The daughter,....how old is she? If she is 4 or 5 or older, she can start making her own bed. It doesn't have to be perfect.

 

3) your wife bolts out the door to go shopping because she needs a break form the kids very likely. Get a babysitter one night or afternoon a week or at least every other and go out on a date.

 

4) Do you have smartphones? Agree with your wife if she thinks of something she needs help with during the day when you get home, text it to you at work when she thinks about it and agree ahead of time that you will help her with one or two things when you come home to help her out. They could be she is doing it just to be heard - and some of it may be she can't do them because she's not tall enough or strong enough, etc. . or its just something she can't do with a 2 year old under foot. Agree ahead of time that you will only do those things when you had a chance to change your clothes, etc.

 

5) Look forward to relaxing with your wife. Instead of coming home and plopping on the sofa - agree that once the 2 year old is sleeping that its relax time - no honey do lists unless its selecting a movie to watch.

 

6) Enlist the whole family with yardwork. Give out jobs. You mow the lawn, but there might be other tasks the wife and kids can get involved with, like choosing flowers, choosing low maintenance plants, etc that you don't have to trim or water - the daughter can pick up sticks so they don't get into the lawnmower, etc.

 

If you do these things, maybe it gives you a better homelife. 12 hour shifts are no walk in the park, but working part time and taking care of the fort, and two kids (with one being a toddler) is not leisure time either.

[Careerchoice]

Anyone can see that you are doing most and she's doing hardly anything. She doesn't respect you. You haven't done enough to keep/earn her respect. You let her get away with too much.

 

I dont tell her what to do. I dont even tell her she has to try and clean, cause quite frankly I feel its not my place to order her around. She is human and an adult. I dont force her to do anything because if she doesnt i end up doing it eventually.

 

If you keep doing this, why wouldn't she keep reacting this way? Anybody reading this would tell you that you are doing way too much and she is doing way too little. It's up to you to stop this cycle and that means you're going to have to stick up for yourself and tell her what needs to be done. You can't have two head coaches on this team, it's not working. Someone has to be the head coach.

 

If anything i just need a way to talk to her that gets her to see it from my point of view. Something to trick her mind into seeing what i go through with her nagging and not picking up after herself. Do i just go into WW3 with her and just not pick up after myself and then order her around until she cant stand me? because i feel that will do more harm then good. Ive already tried talking to her about it, but she lists off excuses. She acts like taking care of our son is hard, when i do it too. I try to understand everyone is built differently, maybe she cant handle taking care of him and doing other things.

 

That passive-aggressive tactic won't work. It's going to come down to an ultimatum. Either she sees your point of view or you have to leave her. There's no other magic you can work to get her to see your point of view. She needs to know you're for real in your conviction and for that to happen, you have to be for real about it.

[Careerchoice]

1) Hire a cleaning person to come every other week for 2 hours to do the heavy cleaning - the tile floors, bathrooms, kitchen and ceiling fans. it might be $50 every other week or maybe less. It is cheaper than couples therapy

 

Or demand that your partner does her fair share otherwise you'll leave.

 

take charge on them cleaning up after themselves.

 

Or take charge on your partner to do her fair share.

 

3) your wife bolts out the door to go shopping because she needs a break form the kids very likely.

 

Or maybe she's taking advantage of the situation and lazy?

 

4) Do you have smartphones? Agree with your wife if she thinks of something she needs help with during the day when you get home, text it to you at work when she thinks about it and agree ahead of time that you will help her with one or two things when you come home to help her out. They could be she is doing it just to be heard - and some of it may be she can't do them because she's not tall enough or strong enough, etc. . or its just something she can't do with a 2 year old under foot. Agree ahead of time that you will only do those things when you had a chance to change your clothes, etc.

 

Or maybe she's too lazy to do it herself?

 

5) Look forward to relaxing with your wife. Instead of coming home and plopping on the sofa - agree that once the 2 year old is sleeping that its relax time - no honey do lists unless its selecting a movie to watch.

 

Totally avoids the core issue - lack of respect from his partner.

 

If you do these things, maybe it gives you a better homelife. 12 hour shifts are no walk in the park, but working part time and taking care of the fort, and two kids (with one being a toddler) is not leisure time either.

 

It sounds like she's taking too much leisure time.

[RainyCoast]

okay i didn't get through all of it, but i am adding a suggestion, because she either deliberately refuses to acknowledge her own mess, or really just doesn't see it objectively and has a problem with organisation.

 

get a huge-a$$ noticeboard. download something like task tracker or make an excell table. in it, enter everything on her list of things for you to do. add all the stuff you know needs doing. put the things that are done every day on separate tables, the weekly ones on a separate one, the "when we get to it" and non-urgent stuff that can be done when one has 10 minutes (cleaning out a clutter drawer for example) on separate ones.

 

pin that shyte to your noticeboard. in the left column, sign your name when you've done something. go through the list once a day and just tick off stuff you've done.

 

she works part-time, and even with kids on her hands she can do the bare minimum like picking up after herself.

 

prioritize, the both of you. will you settle for cluttered drawers and cabinets as long as bathrooms/bedrooms/counters are okay from a sanitary perspective? when i have a hard time keeping up with stuff, i tell myself those are the only three areas that need to be cleaned, the rest can wait. having a dog, my non-negotiable is to vacuum and mop a few times a day because he is damn hairy- you having kids there will be other non-negotiables and they can contribute to those getting done.

 

it needs to be staring her in the face that her junk is being left unattended to. when she then says but i can't because of...., reiterate you've done more than your share, so whatever her reason for not keeping up, it doesn't mean you should do it for her either.

 

let the lawn get a little neglected if you have to. let the basement look disorganized for a while if you have to. tend to the stuff that can't wait.

 

abit is right, the kids aren't babies and she can have them cooperate when at home.

 

if you are both at home on the weekends, engage the entire family in cleaning before lunch. each person tackles one room.

 

also, i am somewhat twisted, so when people frequently leave crap lying around for me to pick up, i have a habit of dumping it on some of their spots that they frequently and gladly occupy: their pillow (moldy bananas need naps too), their laptop (no gaming before cleaning), their car (at last if they hate sorting through it they can dump it in the trash on their way to the mall). worked for me.

[RainyCoast]

Do i just go into WW3 with her and just not pick up after myself and then order her around until she cant stand me?

No. continue to do what you think is fitting for you to do. do not do the extra work she demands you to do. nothing more than a "Nope" is needed. to get her crap out of the way, dump it where she can't ignore it.

 

counseling.