Jealousy and lack of self worth is making me suicidal 😢

[Anonemo]

Hey..

Me and my boyfriend are so in love with each other but its a long distance relationship. He cares for me in every way possible.. But my jealous behavior wont stop spoiling moments between us..

I get jealoused easily even when i know nothing is wrong. I get upset.. stop taking hid calls and he just tries to get to me through these walls i create..

Yesterday, i did the worst thing any girl could do. I got jealoused of some kids he was playing with. I was texting about that to a friend.. and sent his photograph playing with the kids to him instead of that friend accidentally. I wrote : i hate this kid.. and since when they became BFF??? (because he had a BFF sticker there)

 

He saw it rightaway before i could unsend it on the instagram DMs. He went like "She's just a 4 year old baby! and things like "How can you get threatened by a baby?".

 

You guys have no idea how much that statement shook me 😢😢😭 I love kids. I have always loved kids. I like seeing him play with kids because that makes me feel like one day he's gonna have babies and how warm of a father he'd be.. But what i did was horrible. I cried so bad on the call. He kept on comforting me but i know deep down he'd be thinking im a complete even though he used to respect me so much before this happened.

 

I have no idea how to maintain the grace and poise after this.. I feel so ashamed, i feel like he will never feel the same way about me again.

 

I have lost confidence in my self. Im an anti social person without friends. My career is being ignored too. I think of killing myself at times Im a good for nothing idiot..

 

I dont even have friends who can atleast guide me.. There is only one and she's always busy. I cant bother her always, also she is groing distant since she has an amazing bf now.

 

Please, i beg you guys. Help me. I dont know what to do. I have lost all sense of respect for myself and im sure he thinks of me the same way too. I keep on doing bad stuff because of my jealous behavior and repent it later, whereas he notices how bad of a person i really am.

[Capricorn3]

I can only advise professional help - counselling/therapy.