Cannot find a way to solve the problem

[L2pl]

Hello

 

I will try to describe my situation and maybe I will find new ideas or ways of thinking about my problem.

 

Basically, I have a problem with letting people close to me. I don't have many friends, almost none to be honest. I do have a fantastic partner. I took a chance with him and opened myself up to him. We have had fantastic highs and terrible lows together. I love him beyond words.

 

What hurts me is the fact that if we ever break up then he will find another partner. This hurts me and it makes me question his love. I know he loves me, but i don't understand the notion of love in that case. If you love somebody then you are supposed to be with them forever. It hurts to be replaced.

Same with friends, I don't like to get close to people because of the fear of being abandoned.

 

My problem is that i cannot find a way out of such thinking. My head understands that this is not the way to go. Even if we did break up with my partner, there would be somebody else to love me. But my heart cannot stand this thought. I feel so vulnerable that at times I cry about it.

 

I was trying to think about my childhood. Maybe there was something that created such feelings and now I carry them with me. Weird thing is that I cannot think of any particular event that could have set on such feelings. That's why I am worries. I don't want to ruin my current relationship. I want to feel stress free and I want to make new friends as I am often lonely and I am not expecting my partner to fill my needs.

 

I was a lonely child. I had a close friend but she moved to another town and from then on I was alone. I have lost contact with most of the friends I have made in a similar way in the course of my life. Maybe that is the reason? Maybe not.

 

I want to feel stress free. I feel alright in other aspects of my life. I am confident that I can find a job and earn money. But when it comes to human interaction then I feel scared that people will abandon me. My parents are happily married, so no problems there as well.

 

Any ideas how to tackle this issue? The main problem is that I keep people at a distance. I am ok with meeting new people, it's like I am wearing a mask.

 

Has anybody felt this way? How to tackle this problem? I want a richer life with happy relationships.

 

Thank you.

[shessofly]

I think you are going to need the assistance of a counselor to help you understand the "why" and then give you some tools to manage your thoughts. It is going to take time and consistency on your part to overcome this behavior.

[abitbroken]

What hurts me is the fact that if we ever break up then he will find another partner. This hurts me and it makes me question his love. I know he loves me, but i don't understand the notion of love in that case. If you love somebody then you are supposed to be with them forever. It hurts to be replaced.

 

you are confusing romantic love with familial love or love of humankind. A love a grandchild feels for a grandparent or a parent feels for a child should be forever. The love someone feels for a romantic partner is felt while they are in a relationship with that person. If the couple decides to part - it hurts for a time, but then both people develop romantic love for someone else. And so it goes. Until one gets married - then one experiences romantic love plus commitment.

 

 

Unless you are talking about the love that a grandparent feels for their grandchild, for example, love is not always forever