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Feeling unsure about my relationship


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Hi guys.

I’m currently feeling unsure about my relationship for mainly four reasons.

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 8 months.


1) During the last two months, he’s put on weight and I feel as though I’m not as attracted to him compared to when we first started dating. He has always had narrow shoulders but wide thighs, hips and buttocks, as opposed to the average male’s “v-shape”. Yet he was in reasonably good shape when we first starting dating so none of that fazed me.


However for the past few months, he hasn’t been going to the gym regularly at all because of a wrist injury and his demanding job that he started since January. He also eats a somewhat high-carb diet. Now he has a belly, huge butt and his hips are really wide. It’s really gross. I even dread eating with him because I can’t help but stare at his huge belly and think all that food is just going to add to his already excess weight.


I was brought up in a household where fitness is really valued. My mum and I gym together and have always eaten healthy food. Unfortunately, my mum has also always placed a LOT of emphasis on looks. She’s even said in the past that wide hips on a guy are a turn off. Her superficial nature is something I’ve grown up with my entire life and as much as I hate it, I think it has partly rubbed off onto me.


I feel extremely bad for sounding so vain. He is a wonderful person but the truth is I’m less attracted to him now because of his weight gain. He is sensitive so I’m not sure how I should voice my concern without hurting him.


2) I also struggle with low self-esteem. For as long as I can remember, my mum has always been quite critical of me. I know she only wants the best for me but her criticisms from my marks to my weight have definitely affected how I see myself.


I’ve been in and out of depression since 2013 particularly due to not doing well at all in my university entrance exams, despite going to one of the best high schools in my state. Flunking my exams were due to a variety of factors- I chose the wrong subjects (I chose mainly sciences when I should’ve done humanities), didn’t like my school at all (it was extremely competitive) and had trouble making friends. I know that I really disappointed my mum who single-handedly brought me up, had huge hopes for me (she was hoping I study either Medicine or Dentistry) and gave up a lot in life to give me the best possible.


Anyway, I ended up studying a language-oriented degree which didn’t require a high mark because I realised I had a knack for learning languages- I learnt to read and write my mother tongue by myself. Following my exchange semester abroad, I realised that I wanted to study law. Although I thoroughly enjoy law now, I feel less than my peers who studied at much more prestigious universities compared to mine which is very average. At 22, most of them have graduated and are working while I still have two more years of study left. I’ve also had trouble forming lasting friendships because I don’t think I’m worthy and as a result, have distanced myself from so many people.


My boyfriend also went to one of the top high schools in our state, went on to study medicine and is now a doctor. He is definitely smarter, extroverted, has a solid group of friends even from high school and is liked by everyone (someone even told me that he’s a great guy and was shocked he was dating me!!). I often wonder what he saw in me since I’m the complete opposite-I’m nowhere near as smart, I’m definitely an introvert, I don’t talk to anyone from high school and I don’t have a group of friends (rather a few friends here and there from different circles) and I don’t think I’m liked by all because I tend to gradually stop talking to people.


Since I’m definitely ashamed of my past and I know for a fact that my boyfriend will probably judge me, I have been lying to my him about my education- he has no idea about my first language degree but thinks I got a great mark like he did and have been studying law since finishing high school. How can I possibly tell him that I too went to one of the best schools in our state but got a relatively low mark, could only study a stupid language degree and have just started studying law, 3 years since I finished high school?!!


As our relationship is progressing, I feel as though the truth will eventually come out. Since he’s a doctor, he doesn’t really know much about law so I’ve managed to bluff about things and he hasn’t picked up on anything suspicious. However, three of his best friends are lawyers and he’s always like “they want to meet you” or “they asked where my lawyer-to-be girlfriend is”. Every girl in a relationship looks forward to meeting her boyfriend’s friends but not me. If I ever meet his lawyer friends, they’ll ask me law-related stuff which would require me to lie. They all think (including my boyfriend) I’m in my fourth year of law but the truth is I’ll only be starting my second year next semester!


I’m already contemplating on not going to his friend’s party in two weeks. Just thinking about it makes me incredibly nervous and sick to my stomach- I haven’t met any of his friends and like I said, I’m introverted, can’t make small talk without feeling awkward and I freeze up in huge crowds. Also, if I go I’ll have to do my research beforehand as to how to pretend to be a fourth year law student since I know his lawyer friends will ask me what fourth year law subjects I’m studying, which law firms I’ve worked at to get experience (normally by 4th or 5th year, law students have a lot of work experience but I have very little), what the assessments are like or even which area of law I want to specialise in as they all think my degree is coming to end. I doubt I can pull off this charade.


I feel like a terrible liar and trust me, it bugs me every day but my boyfriend can’t find out. I bet that if he knew who I actually was, he wouldn’t have asked me out in the first place.


3) I’m also not sure if my boyfriend is a rebound. I was seeing a guy casually for about two months prior to beginning a relationship with my boyfriend. I ended it with the other guy because he was a typical commitment-phobic **** boy- he never took me on proper dates (most of our “dates” were in his car), hardly texted/called me in between dates, and when we did see each other, he basically only ever wanted to hook up (in his car). At one point, I told him that I can’t do the whole casual thing and wanted something more serious to which he said he couldn’t.


He also was flirting and chatting constantly with another girl behind my back which hurt me a lot. She is definitely much prettier than I am and knowing this crippled my already low self-esteem even more. I can’t help but think that he spoke to her more because she’s stunning (literally every guy knows of her) which hurt me a lot. Since breaking up with him, I think about him a lot and stalk his Facebook almost every day. I think he crosses my mind a lot because he really hurt me and my ego was bruised. Also, I'm not sure if I still like him because like they say, we always want what we can’t have.


It’s weird but I can’t stop comparing my boyfriend to him. Although my boyfriend is more caring, considerate, makes the effort to text/call and actually takes me on proper dates, I can’t stop comparing him to the guy I was seeing. I compare mainly their looks- the guy before was 6’2 and had a much better physique whereas my boyfriend is 5’10 and is chubby. I sometimes even imagine getting back with the first guy and wonder whether breaking up with him was the right thing to do since he tried to talk to me a few months later after we broke up. I was angry and told him to piss off. He hasn’t texted ever since he found out that I’m dating my boyfriend through their mutual friends. Why am I comparing them when my boyfriend is a much better person?!


4) Apart from the comparisons, I think my boyfriend and I rushed into our relationship too soon. We met on Tinder, four months after I broke up with the first guy and dated each other only for 2 weeks till he brought up the exclusive talk. Soon after that, he started calling me his girlfriend. I even slept with him within a month which is something I’d normally never do. I regret not taking the time to get to know him better before agreeing to be his girlfriend and sleeping with him but in retrospect, I think I wanted to get over the first guy really badly.


I’m also a terrible over thinker and I’m not sure if all these anxiety and doubt issues are because of my over-thinking and making issues out of nothing. But one thing is for sure- my boyfriend definitely deserves better than me because as you can probably tell, I’m a mess. I have to definitely talk to him about how I'm feeling but I don’t know how to. I haven’t even been talking to him properly and he’s picked up on it. Now he’s being distant but neither of us has mentioned anything. Maybe I can continue being distant so he can dump me instead? I’m scared of hurting him but at the same time, I don’t want to fake my way through this relationship.


Please give me your opinions and how I should address the four issues!


Sorry for the essay but I have no one to confide in and I'm really torn as to what to do. So if you could please take the time to read through this all, I would really really appreciate it. Thank you

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I find it funny that your first complaint was that your boyfriend doesn't care about his appearance as much as you. That you came from a family that set a high expectation on appearances. And that somehow a doctor who hurt his wrist and has a thriving social life with a strong network of friends can't find time to workout all the time.


Your next issue was that you have low confidence because you can from a judgemental household. Do you not see the relation between the two?


You started a relationship and obviously aren't over your previous "boyfriend". You started a new relationship with a lie that you said would have probably prevented it from starting.


You should not be in a relationship with anyone in your current state. You need some time to grow up.

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Your tuition will cover therapy. You would do well to get yourself into that which will hopefully help you out of your current sate of mind (likely due to your upbringing) and with your low self-worth. Ask yourself why you needed to lie about what year of law school you are in?

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