Getting ignored and blown off by friend.. is friendship worth trying for?

[River1015]

So I met a friend five years ago through default because I'm close friends with her half sisters. We grew close these past few years because we liked the same things - hiking, yoga and smoking weed. She was even a bridesmaid in my wedding last year. Anyway let's cut to New Year's 2017. I decided to quit smoking weed altogether as a New Year's resolution. I don't have anything against smoking marijuana. But for me, it was a psychological addiction and it was substance abuse. It was to the point where I was smoking all day long and this went on for years. Anyway, I spend New Year's Eve with her and we drank wine and laughed. I thought it went fine. She smokes a lot of weed, all day every day and has for the past 10 years. Hanging out with her while she was high and I wasn't was fine, to me anyway. I didn't hear from her again until late February when I asked her to go on a hike with me. When we finally hung out, it wasn't the same. We went on the hike and she was quick to be done with it. Now it's June and I haven't seen her since. She found out her mom got cancer and I called her to talk about it with her. But every time after that she doesn't respond to my texts or DMs. She will send short or annoyed texts whenever I ask about her mom, who I love and have had many meaningful moments with.

 

Anyway, the only time she has contacted me was to get a ride to the airport or to use my SUV for moving. I couldn't give her a ride to the airport or loan my SUV because I was out of town. But I would have. Two weeks ago I asked if she wanted to have a sleepover and do henna - things that we usually like to do together. No response. I tried again last week and asked if she wanted to grab a beer at a local brewery nearby. It was Saturday and I texted her at 1 pm. To my surprise, she responded immediately and said that she wouldn't be available until dinner because she had a guest at her house. So we decided to do dinner and drinks with her guest. I texted her again around 5:30 pm for dinner plans but she said that she decided to go to a yoga class from 8-9 pm (no invite to me) and if I would meet up with her and her guest after. I finally get a text at 10:30 pm saying that they are going to a wine bar. I was already asleep and woke up to the text the next morning. I felt a little annoyed that she kind of left me hanging. I'm trying to figure out why things have changed between us. She has other friends who she still hangs out with, but they all smoke marijuana. Could it really be the fact that I don't smoke marijuana anymore? Or is it that I'm sober enough finally to notice her flaky ways? I guess my question is.. should I still try to be friends with her? When does it come to the point where I stop asking her to hangout? I'm tired of being ignored and getting blown off. Since I'm writing this, I already have one foot out the door on this friendship.

[j.man]

She found out her mom got cancer and I called her to talk about it with her. But every time after that she doesn't respond to my texts or DMs. She will send short or annoyed texts whenever I ask about her mom, who I love and have had many meaningful moments with.

Okay, well first and foremost, I'd cut this out. Doesn't really matter how many Hallmark moments you've had with her mother, she's her mother and she's free to cope with the situation by talking as much or as little about it as she wants. Stop inquiring.

 

As far as the rest of it goes, I think you're making it a bit too much of a production in your head. Yeah, it sucks she didn't let you know the dinner wouldn't happen until closer to dinner time and she let you know last minute about the drinks, but that's the tone she's set. Personally, if I liked hanging out with her, I'd just accept that seeing her is going to be more of a sporadic and spontaneous thing and I'd find other friends for more structured stuff. Never really felt a need to officially stop being friends or to make any sort of declaration about it. Just scale back your expectations.

[Starlight925]

How did you tell her you were going to quit smoking weed?

 

It could very well be that she just wants to hang out with others who smoke. Even though you don't have a problem with it, for her, it's what she has most in common with these people.

 

She could, subconsciously, feel that you're "one-bettering" her by quitting. I'm sure that you didn't stand on a high horse about it, but she might very well feel that way.

 

I'd back off, and see if and where this evolves back into a friendship.

[River1015]

As far as the rest of it goes, I think you're making it a bit too much of a production in your head.

 

This is literally what I needed to hear. I know I get wound up tight about this sort of stuff.

[River1015]

How did you tell her you were going to quit smoking weed?

 

It could very well be that she just wants to hang out with others who smoke. Even though you don't have a problem with it, for her, it's what she has most in common with these people.

 

She could, subconsciously, feel that you're "one-bettering" her by quitting. I'm sure that you didn't stand on a high horse about it, but she might very well feel that way.

 

I'd back off, and see if and where this evolves back into a friendship.

 

Ya know, this could be it. About six months before I quit, I told my friends that I felt that I had an addiction and they laughed at the time. When I told her that I decided to quit, she said 'that's good, I know how you felt about it.' And that's really it. I didn't force her to quit but maybe it forced her to view her own problems with the smoking. Thanks for the advice.

[River1015]

Okay, well first and foremost, I'd cut this out. Doesn't really matter how many Hallmark moments you've had with her mother, she's her mother and she's free to cope with the situation by talking as much or as little about it as she wants. Stop inquiring.

 

Also I only inquired one time after that phone call. Her shortness to that inquiry made me know that I shouldn't ask again. Sorry my wording made it seem like I had asked often.

[Starlight925]

I think you inquired about her mother in a caring way, and I'm sure she appreciated it.

 

I honestly think that your quitting caused her to put up a mirror to herself, and realize two things: one, that she isn't "addicted" like you seem to be, so she'd rather still hang with people who smoke. And two, that you think you're "better" than she is by quitting. Neither of these things are true, but I do think that this is what she probably thinks. Plus, she honestly just likes hanging with people who smoke, do a yoga class, smoke some more, go for a hike, smoke some more. Notice, smoke is between every single activity, and you just can't do that with her.

 

Find some new friends who are into a healthy lifestyle, like you seem to be. You'll be amazed at how many there are.

[Bunney]

If the only reasons that a "friend" contacted me in a timespan of 6 months were because she needed something from me (my car, or a ride to the airport) you could be damn sure I'd no longer consider her a friend. Leave her be - obviously the only way she can connect with someone is when they are weed addicts, too. Pretty sad if you ask me. Bottom line is whenever your relationship with someone becomes entirely one-sided, whether its a platonic or romantic one, it's no longer a relationship worth trying and fighting for.

[PattiCakes]

I generally don't invest time into others who don't invest time into me. Since I've started living my life this way, I've been really happy and I'm surrounded by people who I know really value me and my time. I equally value them as well. Those are my friends. I think what you have now with this person is and acquaintance or someone you used to know. Generally speaking, people out grow each other. You may have grown since you quit getting high, maybe she hasn't.